LANGLEY, Va. — In response to Edward Snowden’s assertion that he was a spy for the U.S. government, the CIA has not only confirmed it, but added that Snowden was one of their top assassins.
CIA Director John Brennan made the revelation as part of a larger program by the U.S. government to declassify and release all the e-mails sent by Snowden during his time as a government technician and highly-trained killer.
“Snowden was our most lethal operative,” Brennan told reporters. “Sure by day he just pretended to be an inept and pretentious systems administrator but at night Snowden, or ‘Agent Qwerty’ as he was known in the department, was part of our covert MD-5 program.”
According to Brennan, Snowden was secretly recruited by the CIA in 2004, straight out of his National Guard basic training where he had enlisted as a Special Forces recruit.
“The Guard totally didn’t know what to do with him. They wanted to have him creeping through the swamps of Florida looking for drug-runners,” Brennan explained. “We had him doing HALO jumps into Colombia to poison top Cartel leaders which — thanks to his fluency in Spanish and 25 other languages — he was able to pull off.”
The recently released documents go into even further detail, showing how Snowden received highly-specialized training in diving, parachuting, high-speed driving, flying a jetpack, baccarat, and disarmament of live nuclear weapons. They also explain Snowden’s covert posting to Hawaii under the alias “Sex Machine Ed” as part of a covert campaign to, in Snowden’s words, “Control-Alt-Delete some motherfuckers in the face.”
Among the most startling revelations is that one of Snowden’s estimated 352 confirmed kills was none other than Osama bin Laden.
“We had to make up the whole SEAL raid to protect our sources,” Brennan explained. “The simple truth is that Edward infiltrated the bin Laden compound by pretending to be a member of the Best Buy Geek Squad, then caved bin Laden’s head in with a keyboard.”
When asked why Snowden had gone to Russia, Brennan said, “I can’t go into details right just yet, but as Edward likes to say: ‘If anything in this life is certain, if Game of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that you can kill anyone.'”
Brennan’s revelations were aired on the television channel Russia Today, in the middle of a live interview involving both Snowden and Russian President Vladimir Putin. As the flabbergasted host read out the announcement, Snowden turned to Putin, whispered, “You were my target the whole time,” and shoved an ice pick through Putin’s skull.
Snowden then dove out a nearby window, somersaulted to the pavement, and vanished down an alley.