WASHINGTON, DC — A genie imprisoned by former 82nd Airborne deputy commander and champion hot dog eater Lt. Col. Jeffrey Sinclair has reported it is eagerly awaiting his master’s third and final wish.
“My master, glorious sahib that he is, has used up two of his allotted three wishes,” the genie said from inside the brass lamp where he was discovered several years ago. “I have provided the many women which he, peace and blessings be upon, sought to have carnal relations with, and then have convinced the military qadis to drop all the charges against him.”
The genie, an ancient being created by Allah in the sands of the desert out of fire and smoke, was eagerly anticipating his pending freedom after being imprisoned in the lamp for several hundred years as a Ramadan joke.
Sinclair, a less-ancient being created in the halls of the Pentagon out of wind and bullshit, is also eagerly anticipating his pending freedom after being fined $20,000 and demoted two ranks for raping one of his subordinate officers. He has also been stripped of his current billet as the Army’s sexual assault mascot.
As punishment, Sinclair will be forced to accept over $5000 a month in retirement benefits from the U.S. government and will be confined to only the smallest six-figure contracting jobs.
Speaking to Duffel Blog reporters, the genie said he was not surprised at Sinclair’s second wish to have all the charges against him dropped, since second wishes are usually used to try and cancel out the first.
He was, however, impressed with the thoroughness of the general’s first wish.
“My wise master insisted that the women of his relations all be compulsive liars,” the genie admitted, “for even if he were caught with their murdered bodies in the back of his Humvee, the UCMJ would probably conclude that the word of a decorated 28-year general officer was worth more than some lying dead slut.”
Lt. Col. Sinclair refused to comment for this article, saying he only wished we would stop writing.