WASHINGTON, D.C. — Football’s growing controversy over the use of the name “Washington Redskins” came to a screeching halt after the U.S. Army massacred the entire team, then promptly confiscated all its land and property, sources confirmed Monday.
Elements of the 7th Cavalry Regiment, airlifted in on UH-60 Black Hawks, fast-roped into FedEx Field in the great history, tradition and legacy of that regiment, shooting down stadium security guards before turning their guns on the players and owners who were there for a routine preseason meeting.
As the troopers stormed the stadium, Redskins wide receiver Santana Moss was discussing the naming controversy with reporters, saying, “I hope the best for it because I feel like, as a Redskin–” before a Staff Sergeant shouted, “He’s a redskin! Get him!” and dropped him with a well-aimed shot to the torso.
7th Cavalry then took formal possession of FedEx Field, renaming it to Fort Freedom.
1st Cavalry Division commander Brig. Gen. Michael Bills has pronounced the operation “an outstanding success” despite some negative publicity after one of the unit’s supporting AH-64 Apache helicopters blew up a local Buffalo Wild Wings to deny food to the enemy. Bills also claimed that several widely-circulated photos, allegedly showing troopers wearing pilfered Redskins memorabilia and collectibles on their belts, were actually of volunteer militia recruited from the Dallas Cowboys.
Some human rights groups have objected to the Army’s subsequent forced prostitution of the Redskins’ cheerleader squad, but Bills explained that they need the money “so they don’t starve in their tepees come winter.” Authorities also grew concerned after a large crowd of protesting fans had to disperse following a totally unexpected outbreak of smallpox.
The 7th Cavalry has announced plans to compensate owner Dan Snyder’s grieving family with some plastic beads and a bottle of whiskey.
“On the one hand, we could have left the Redskins in place and tried to teach them the ways of modern society,” said Secretary of the Army John McHugh. “On the other hand, God created this great stadium, and it should be given to the San Francisco 49ers, who can make more productive use of it.”
McHugh has suggested the Army may expand the operation to target the normally-peaceful Kansas City Chiefs and forcibly remove them to an appropriate stadium in Oklahoma or Arizona.
None of the other services have decided whether to join the Army’s operation yet. Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos was unavailable for comment, and an aide referred us to a note on his door which read: “Gone to fight the Florida State Seminoles. Will be back when the season is over.”
The surviving Redskins are expected to launch a legal claim on their right to FedEx Field, which they have occupied since 1997, when the land was purchased via solemn treaty by businessman Jack Kent Cooke over the protests of local chief Gov. William Donald Schaeffer.
Interestingly, the land seems to have originally been owned by a corporation called Nacotchtank, which claims the land was never actually sold.