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WHITE HOUSE: Not Enough US Citizens In ISIS To Make Air Strikes Worthwhile

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BAGHDAD, Iraq — The United States rejected a formal request for manned and unmanned air support from Iraqi Prime Minister Nour al-Maliki last month to combat militants since intelligence reports found an insufficient number of American citizens were present to justify such strikes, Duffel Blog has learned.

“It’s not that we don’t want to help,” said Gen. Robert Caslen, who was recalled from his current position as West Point Commandant to handle the discussions with Maliki due to his experience and relationship with him, from when Caslen was director of the Office of Security and Cooperation-Iraq from 2011 to 2013. “It’s just that the proper criteria have not been met by Iraq and we have to abide by those strict rules.”

Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIS), an al Qaeda-inspired terrorist group, seized Tikrit early this week and are within 100 miles of the capital city of Baghdad. This follows the fall of Mosul late last week, and Ramadi and Fallujah over the last few months.

“The President has made it clear in the past,” said Caslen, pausing to adjust the pants of his uniform — easily seven feet too long for him and gathered around his ankles as if they were designed by Prince on mescaline. “We only use targeted strikes against groups of American citizens who have not been tried or convicted of any crime. That and Pakistani weddings. And the President has binders full of targets that he will approve personally before we can greenlight a strike.”

Caslen suggested that Maliki invite Pakistanis to hold weddings and other celebratory gatherings in the immediate vicinity of rebel strongholds and units.

“We constantly have drones circling, set to auto-engage Pakistani weddings and Americans the president personally disagrees with, so we wouldn’t even need to take off our green eyeshades and press the SMITE button,” he concluded.

At press time, Maliki had extended all-expenses-paid invitations to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter to “thank them for their steadfast support of the Iraq war,” but it was unclear whether they would attend.

Dick Scuttlebutt is a graduate of SAMS and a veteran of the War on Women. He won the coveted Weeping Mushroom Medal for his actions at Two Points Ridge. His Twitter feed @DickScuttlebutt was voted "best" by your sister. You can send hate mail to [email protected] Or buy his book here: http://tinyurl.com/kdeeg6p

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Taliban shadow government recognized by United Nations for anti-corruption drive

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HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN — The United Nations has awarded its prestigious Public Service Award to the Taliban Shadow Government of Helmand Province to commemorate their widespread, successful efforts to root out corruption since re-assuming control of the province in 2015.

“Although the United Nations is a cabal of apostates and dogs,” a Taliban spokesman said in a statement. “Even infidels may sometimes applaud our application of the principles of Shariah as uncompromising and heroic.”

He added that the decapitated heads of former corrupt government officials have been placed on display on pikes around the province to “maintain our momentum in this effort to ensure good governance for all the Afghan people.”

Recent surveys conducted by the Asia Foundation discovered that Helmand is the least corrupt province in Afghanistan by far. Only 2% of Afghans living in Helmand reported paying a bribe in the last year, compared to more than 60% of Afghans across the country. The Taliban have achieved this through what the UN press release termed its “uncompromising application of traditional justice principles, which are suited to local cultural conditions.”

The US government’s Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction recently identified Helmand as a “rare success story” in Afghanistan, although US and Afghan government forces abandoned the province three years ago.

Tadamichi Yamamoto, the head of the UN Assistance Mission in Afghanistan, said this represents a great step forward for the people of Helmand.

“Just 10 years ago, this province was a humanitarian disaster area,” he told assembled reporters haling from as far away as Iran, Pakistan and Norway at a press conference. “Girls studying in schools were being massacred. Local tribal leaders were shamelessly stealing international aid as it flowed in. Now there are no girls schools and no one is really sending any aid to steal. Depending on how you read those numbers, its really an overall net plus.”

The UN Public Service Award is an annual award that showcases the institutional contribution made by public servants to enhance the role, professionalism, image and visibility of the public service. As part of the award, the Taliban will receive a cash award of $300,000 to support local development projects. A spokesman said they will use the money to build a new stadium to hold executions in, and if there is any money left over, to buy goats.

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ISIS soldier uploads YouTube rant about ‘stolen martyrdom’ from cab of VBIED

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ERBIL, Kurdistan Region – ISIS soldier Ibraheem Lakdim has uploaded a video to his YouTube channel about ‘stolen martyrdom’ from the cab of a truck that was wired with 250 lbs of explosives, sources confirmed today.

“What up, everybody? It’s your boy, BreadnButtah69. I’m sitting here waiting for them to finish wiring my truck up, so I thought I’d holler at you for a minute about stolen martyrdom,” Lakdim said in the opening seconds of the video.

“I know a lotta ya’ll have opinions on this issue, but hear me out,” he added before launching into a 15 minute monologue with digressions on why liberal Muslims are whiny, which brand of hummus was complicit in a media war on Ramadan, and why flat brim turbans should be banned under Sharia law.

In one portion, Lakdim took issue with notions of free speech, which he says have been used in defense of stolen martyrdom.

“The thing of it is, they talk about free speech,” he said. “Oh, free speech this, free speech that, like they should be allowed to just walk around talking about how they blew up six infidels in 2014 or whatever. But, you know what? I’m about to blow myself up right now. I’m not out here talking about it,” he said, according to a transcript of the video, which now has over 2 million views.

Commenters on Lakdim’s page were overwhelmingly supportive. Even famed ISIS YouTuber PaRaD1cEAwAiTz, with whom Lakdim had a brief spat earlier this year over competing claims about which man’s beard is longer, chimed in, commenting, “grow a pair shitbird fakes ,,, we earned it with blood. i did 10 years ,,, blew myself up 3 times ,,, i dont talk about it cuz theres no need ,,,,, real martyrs know[.]”

This was not Lakdim’s first brush with internet celebrity. In 2015, The New York Times reported on Lakdim’s YouTube channel after his audition for the WWE went viral. According to the article, Lakdim broke his leg when he jumped from a roof wearing a barbed wire hijab onto another man who was laying on a table. The video was viewed over 11 million times.

Videos about stolen martyrdom are part of a larger global trend of soldiers and veterans venting their frustrations on YouTube, according to Pentagon researcher Laurie Postrel.

“Oh, this is a classic example of a trend we’ve been trying to contain in the West for years,” she said. “Some idiot sits in the cab of a truck and just starts repeating conservative talking points about whatever culture-war issue is in the news cycle at the moment. We’ve long feared that terrorists would start emulating it because it’s cheap and effective. I mean, amazingly, people really do watch this crap.”

Later that day, it was reported that four Iraqi soldiers had posted selfies taken with Lakdim after he was detained at a checkpoint in eastern Kurdistan, where his explosives failed to detonate.

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Kampai! Pentagon releases sushi MRE

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OKINAWA, Japan — In the wake of the much heralded success of the new pizza MRE, the Department of Defense has decided to produce a fresh-from-the-sea sushi meal with a shelf-life of three years.

The sushi meal will include a California roll packed with Almost Real Crab, rice crackers, sour plums, and tofu cookies. The condiment pouch will include soy sauce, imitation wasabi and green tea powder.

“We thought this move would really highlight the talents of our Asian and Pacific Islander service members,” said Pentagon spokesman John Sellers, while wearing a ninja costume and Hawaiian shirt. “The troops are gonna love it!”

Distribution will begin at bases in the Asia-Pacific theater for service members who want to enjoy the local cuisine while out in the field. But reactions to the announcement were mixed.

“Dude, I am stationed in Korea. They HATE Japanese stuff here, and the cartons have pics of Mt. Fuji and the Japanese flag on them. The MREs will never even make it through customs,” said Army Sgt. Ron West.

“Wow, I can’t wait to spend the night in the sweltering jungles of Okinawa and eat fish that has been sitting in a hot shipping container for a month,” said Marine Gunnery Sgt. Christine Worthington. “Maybe I can wash it down with a lukewarm cup of reconstituted milk tea.”

At press time, production was held up by a lingering odor problem with the packaging but that is expected to be resolved with the arrival of a pallet of miniature Febreeze cans.

Duffel Blog writer W.T. Door contributed to this article.

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Trump Tower opens in Pyongyang

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PYONGYANG — A Trump Tower has opened in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, in what is being hailed as a breakthrough after a historic meeting between President Donald Trump and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un.

It is the first Western hotel to open in the secretive country, which is often called the “Hermit Kingdom.”

“You know, they tell me this is the finest hotel in, literally, all of Asia. You can’t beat it. And it serves the most delicious tacos,” Trump told reporters. “Highly recommended for journalists when they go to cover the denuclearization of North Korea!”

Kim, who was standing next to Trump, said nothing and smiled.

The new franchise was rapidly constructed inside the existing Ryugyong Hotel, a massive 1,000-foot tall glass pyramid that sits in the heart of Pyongyang. The hotel was empty until recently, although it has been under construction for more than thirty years. Foreigners nicknamed the empty building the “Hotel of Doom.”

Sources say Trump has had his eyes on the building since construction originally started in 1987. “Donald heard these Koreans were building a hotel that was going to be the seventh tallest building in the world,” one of Trump’s friends from the 1980s, who also worked in real estate, said. “And then someone told him that, you know, Kim Il-sung, the North Korean leader, slept on a bed of women. Maybe you’ve heard this, he used a bunch of naked women as a mattress. Specially selected from all across the country. Every tin-pot dictator has a pleasure brigade or two but, this was something else. And ever since then I think the Donald has always wanted to break in to the North Korean market.”

The Trump Organization, however, had no assets in Korea until recently. After Chinese President Xi Jinping met Chairman Kim in person for the first time in March, Chinese investors provided seed capital and assistance getting government approval for the new Pyongyang franchise. It was approved and built in record time.

At press time, the White House did not respond to a request for further comment, although South Korean President Moon Jae-in applauded the move and said he looked forward to eating tacos with Chairman Kim. Meanwhile, The Trump Organization declared that the new Trump Tower Pyongyang would be “the finest mixed-use real-estate venture in the world,” according to a written statement. “It will be a hotel, apartments, even a burger joint. You can’t wait.”

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Trump, Kim agree to historic summit as long as McDonald’s brings back McRib sandwich

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WASHINGTON — Although there have been questions over whether an upcoming summit between the top leaders of the United States and North Korea would take place, officials from both countries say their meeting in Singapore will go forward as long as McDonald’s brings back the McRib sandwich, sources confirmed today.

“The McRib essentially represents the flavors of both nations — a beacon of hope,” said Army Maj. Trevor Senseman, a ‘Korea expert’ who hid on the peninsula for several years hooking up with Korean girls and trying to avoid a deployment to Afghanistan.

“It’s the perfect symbol of harmony when you think about it. Grilled ribs, or galbi, is a favorite Korean dish, and nothing is more American than barbecue sauce.”

Rumors about joint interest in the sandwich emerged after Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met North Korean leader Kim Jogn-un earlier this year in Pyongyang. In a classified conversation that leaked just like everything else in this administration, Pompeo was rumored to have been laying out steps both leaders could take to ensure a relaunch of the delectable McDonald’s dish.

Critics note, however, that it would mean Trump was conspiring with a North Korean dictator.

“This collusion is an absolute outrage,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), the House Minority Leader with known ties to Burger King. “If two world leaders are scripting threats to strong-arm the release of a sandwich inferior to the BK Rodeo Burger, they ought to be impeached.”

A McDonald’s spokesperson refused to confirm or deny whether or not they were engaged in official discussions to bring back the McRib, but assured reporters that they remain committed to satisfying their customers all around the world, preferably in an atmosphere relatively free from nuclear fallout.

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Great Leader Kim Jong-un sheds honored tears of joy over robust economy

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Note: This story was originally published in KCNA-DB, a joint media venture between Duffel Blog and Korean Central News Agency.

PYONGYANG, Korea — A video circulating amongst Koreans aligned with the American Imperialists shows Supreme Leader and Eternal General Secretary of the Party Kim Jong Un crying tears of joy at the glory of the Juche Spirit.

American Imperialist sympathizers, who should be reported to the wonderful State Security Department for superb education in the marvels of communism, have claimed the video shows the Guiding Star of the 21st Century weeping over a so-called “terrible economy and enduring food shortage.” This is clearly Western capitalist propaganda meant to damage the strong bonds forged between the Korean people in the name of liberation.

“It is clear we have enough food,” said Kim Ki-Nam, Vice Chairman for Honorable and True Propaganda. “Any food shortages in a particular area are due to local citizens not embracing the Juche ideal. These people should be found and reported.”

When asked by our reporters about the “terrible economy” claims, those reporters were replaced and this author was told, “The economy is the best economy in the world. Sanctions from the West are obviously an imperialist plot to hinder the greatness of the Korean economy and the Korean people, but they are so far unsuccessful thanks to the enduring skill and wisdom of the Dear Leader.”

Claims that the video show the Supreme Leader panicking about his tenuous grip on power and the worsening state of the economy in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea are lies and deception. Our Great Leader, Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship, will crush them as our economy continues to thrive.

Please remember to distribute this paper to your fellow Koreans, not because, as the American Imperialists claim, we cannot afford additional paper and ink, but because sharing knowledge and literature is the heart of our glorious Socialist paradise.

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Trump replaces Kim with Trump on redesigned peace talks challenge coin

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WASHINGTON — The White House Communications Agency says it will melt down the hundreds of commemorative coins it had minted earlier this week for a US-North Korea peace summit and re-press them to feature President Donald Trump facing off with President Donald Trump.

The decision to change the design of the coin came hours after the cancellation of the anticipated summit between President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un that was scheduled to happen in Singapore next month.

The coins, originally featuring Trump on the left with an American flag backdrop and opposite North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un on the right with the North Korean flag behind, will now be re-pressed from the originals to feature President Trump’s side mirrored and replacing Kim on the right.

“The order came straight from the top,” Col. Chad Raduege told reporters. “The President wanted us to re-press the coins and have them signify what he called a ‘colossal, massive victory for diplomacy and the United States foreign policy.'”

Other changes to the coin include:

  • The removal of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea opposite of United States of America, and is replaced instead with United States of America for a second time.
  • The replacing of Kim Jong-un’s name with Donald Trump so as the right side of the coin now reads ‘Supreme Leader D.J. Trump’ instead.
  • The addition of ‘No’ in front of Peace Talks on the top of the coin.
  • The changing of the Korean script below peace talks now says ‘The Art of the Deal,’ a reference to the book Trump cowrote in 1987 with journalist Tony Schwartz.

The cancellation of the summit came after Trump expressed anger and frustration over comments by a top-ranking North Korean official who described Vice President Mike Pence as “ignorant and stupid.” Pence, who has locked himself inside of his room since Wednesday after hearing the comments on Fox News, could not be reached for comment.

“The president plans to use the coins to coax the vice president out of his room, and present all of them to him to make him feel better at a ceremony this Friday at the his favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said.

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White House mints challenge coin to commemorate upcoming failed US-North Korea peace summit

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THE WHITE HOUSE — The Trump administration has minted several hundred military challenge coins to hand out to service members and dignitaries on the Korean peninsula to commemorate the upcoming failure of its US-North Korea peace summit, sources confirmed today.

The White House Communications Agency on Monday released photos of the coins, which feature President Donald Trump and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un facing each other over text of “Peace Talks” — a reference to a summit between the two leaders set to take place in Singapore that will break down in “spectacular” fashion, according to defense officials.

“It will be the biggest and most beautiful failed peace negotiation of all time,” Trump told reporters. “Way better than Obama, let me tell you. Believe me.”

The historic meeting between the two leaders is currently in the final planning stages, senior White House officials said. Among the topics Trump and Kim are set to discuss is their taste in women, who has better hair, whether The Walking Dead is any good this season, and if time allows, nuclear disarmament.

In various emails and press statements, The White House in the past week has boasted of what it has called an “incredibly historic and successful failure” to come, which it says will demonstrate President Trump’s dealmaking skill and ability to project an image of success amid an objectively crushing defeat.

According to officials, the coins for the summit are to be distributed to a lucky few that are close to the negotiation, soldiers providing security, and former NBA basketball player Dennis Rodman, who will be the master of ceremonies and jello wrestling referee during the meeting.

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