NASHVILLE — An Engineer Corps soldier keeps introducing himself as Explosive Ordnance Disposal to ladies in the bars and nightclubs around Second Avenue, sources confirmed Friday night.
Staff Sgt. Jonathan Myers, an engineer in the 101st Airborne Division at Fort Campbell, has not been to EOD school, is not a bomb technician, and has never defused an IED or conducted large-scale ordnance demolition. But that hasn’t stopped him from capitalizing on the glory and prestige that the EOD corps has accumulated in the last few years of the Global War on Terror.
“Oh yeah, babe,” Myers shouted to three young female Vanderbilt psychology majors, over the blare of the music in UV, a Nashville nightclub. “Remember that movie ‘The Hurt Locker’ and how awesome it was? That’s my job.”
Myers then went on to recount several instances of “defusing bombs,” as sources confirmed the ladies’ panties began to slowly drop as they became more impressed. In reality, Myers’ platoon-mates said, these situations consisted solely of him sitting terrified in the back of a Buffalo, ineptly prodding at suspicious roadside garbage with the clawed hydraulic arm.
In precisely zero of these situations did Myers actually render safe an explosive hazard or save any lives, Duffel Blog learned through anonymous sources. Myers, however, has maintained that he is a bomb technician.
“Saying that I’m not a bomb guy just because I haven’t been to EOD school is stupid,” Myers said bitterly outside of McFadden’s Friday night, as the aforementioned women left in the company of actual bomb technicians from 184th EOD Battalion. “Everybody knows that EOD will become part of Engineer corps sooner or later anyway. Hell, they’re already teaching that in Army schools, so it’s going to happen soon.”
“So those stupid EOD techs need to just recognize, and stop poaching my tail,” he added, before heading home to cry and masturbate to ATP 4-32 until he fell asleep.
For emphasis, he kicked the bumper of his F-350, which bore a “US ARMY BOMB DISPOSAL” sticker on the rear window. Myers then added that he was a graduate of the “Blow In Place Academy” in Kuwait, which certifies Engineers to colossally fuck up counter-IED operations.
Reached for comment, EOD Technicians worldwide laughed until tears of hilarity had soaked their usual Friday civilian attire, and nearly spilled their lunchtime beers.