Connect with us

News

Mattis Named CEO Of ‘Soldiers Without Borders’ Non-Profit

Published

on

general mattis

JAKARTA — Retired U.S. Marine Gen. James Mattis was named CEO of the non-profit “Soldiers Without Borders” in a small press conference at the Windsor Hotel, the organization announced Friday.

Mattis was the right fit for the top leadership slot, explained co-founder Ramzi ban Baladar, because of the organization’s focus on hiring military veterans to conduct its work.

“It only makes sense,” said ban Baladar to a group of reporters after the conference ended. “There are lots of ‘Without Borders’ organizations. Doctors, Lawyers, Reporters. What we realized was, what about those soldiers whose war ended, who no longer have the opportunity to carry out their beloved profession? Under the guidance of General Mattis, Soldiers Without Borders will allow those veterans to once again visit decisive, remorseless peace on needy and deserving recipients around the globe.”

Mattis did not comment or take questions after the announcement. He moved immediately into the organization’s headquarters in a high-rise in Jakarta, overlooking the port where SWB’s “mother ships” float awaiting his orders to depart and administer peace to regions in chaos. Areas under consideration include the Malaysian Straits, the Horn of Africa, the Black Sea and Florida. His orders should be issued by the end of next week.

Funding for maintenance of the ships and living expenses for SWB personnel comes from generous charitable donations by anonymous parties.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) took the opportunity of the announcement to introduce a bill in the US Senate awarding Soldiers Without Borders a “general letter of marque,” which will allow the organization to render peace to pirates and warlords on its own authority, and recoup expenses using a system of asset seizure.

Reached for comment, Soldiers Without Borders volunteers were ecstatic at the opportunity to bestow social justice upon the world’s eligible beneficiaries.

“This is, like, the best thing that has happened to me since I got out [of the military],” said former infantry Staff. Sgt. Brandon Mabry, in the bow of one of the SWB mother ships as he waited with other volunteers for orders. “There is only one thing in my life I’ve been both good at, and passionate about: delivering final harmony where it is needed most.”

Mabry said other charitable organizations he wanted to volunteer with, such as Blackwater, were run out of business by “busybody bureaucrats.”

But this NGO won’t be vulnerable to [stuff] like that, Mabry said, “because we are truly multinational and funded anonymously.”

Advice

Duffel Blog guide to safe for work porn sites

Published

on

Feeling a little lonely while you do your shift at the duty desk? Pulling night watch in the motor pool and feeling a bit amorous? Or has it just been awhile since you got your ashes hauled or your clam slammed?

Well, we hate to break it to you (if you didn’t already know), but most units use network settings to prevent you from visiting porn sites at work. We can’t help you convince those busybody nerds at IT that it’s only natural for a good soldier to beat his meat or flick her bean once in awhile, but we can point you in the right direction to enjoy some good-enough-for-now porn at sites the filter software doesn’t block!

Workout and diet sites

You’ve got a job that requires you to be fit and healthy, so it’s only logical that you’d be allowed to visit sites for exercise programs like Crossfit, P90X, and the like. Many of these sites don’t just have pictures of hotties doing exercises in very little clothing, but also feature message boards where users can post before/after pics. You can find a lot of real and almost nudity in this treasure trove. Ditto with websites for diets like Atkins or Whole30.

Tattoo enthusiasts

If you’re running a tattoo parlor or magazine, you need a website to get your work seen by prospective customers. And you can’t show skin art without showing skin. If that intricate linework is coincidentally close to a nipple or dong, that’s not your fault, right? You gotta show those boobie tats, otherwise where is the spice in life?

Plastic surgery and breast cancer survivor groups

This is a fantastic way to get quite an eyeful, as plastic surgeons offer photographic proof of their good work. You’re not looking at porn—you’re doing research for your health! Just remember, if you print any of the pictures for later use, don’t leave them lying around in the printer tray.

The girls who need bigger tits because they’re not pulling in the dick they thought they would are one thing. But there’s also the girls who have booby cancer, and have had boob jobs because they got their real ones chopped off. It’s an empowering thing. You are helping cancer survivors celebrate their journey by looking at their tits!

Fashion

Lots of aspiring models and designers put their portfolio up for no charge, hoping to attract work. What morons. They also compete to be the most eye-catching, and nothing catches the eye like a nipple or butt artfully arranged to look like it’s accidental. Of such things glory is made. And jizz.

Art and photography

Deviant Art isn’t just for deviants! It’s also for people who want a socially-acceptable way to look at naked stuff while at work. This is the most well known, but there are legions of websites dedicated to “art” that are really just pictures or drawings of people in various states of undress. Deviant Art even has an “erotica” category right in the navigation bar! It couldn’t be easier! “Boss, it isn’t porn, it’s art!” you’ll be able to say as you gesture with your monocle and polish your spats.  And he won’t be able to say anything because you’re so fuckin’ fancy.

So get out there and start beating or flicking, you sexy bastards!  They can’t say anything about these SFW porn sites!

Continue Reading

News

Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

Published

on

PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

Continue Reading

Army

Badge hunter to become latest Army badge

Published

on

JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. — The U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command announced the most recent attempt at Army retention today — another badge.

The Army says the badge-hunter badge will distinguish the service, citing the successes of historic organizations like the Boy Scouts of America, the restaurant Chotchkie’s from the movie Office Space, and Mattel’s line of never-ending Barbie accessories.

Public Affairs Officer Maj. John Wagner called it “the mother of all badges,” in a press briefing.

“We aim to have the most on our uniforms,” Wagner said. “We see it as an opportunity considering the new pinks and greens uniform is coming out. Look at Marine uniforms. Almost nothing. It’s terrible. How are they able to measure their self-worth if they can’t have forty pieces of fabric and shiny metal to wear to every banquet?”

The badge aims to recognize Soldiers who endlessly pursue awards and schools, often going months without being seen in their units.

“We aren’t ready to unveil what it looks like.” Wagner said. “But what we are allowed to say is it’s epic. The size of a baby’s head. Maybe the size of a tea plate.”

The badge hunter is only available to individuals with over 50 percent school time to service ratios. Positive evaluations are not a prerequisite, and a minimum of four badges must already adorn a Soldier’s uniform prior to applying for the badge.

No other requirements are known. Only badge hunters themselves know the true path to attaining the shiny piece of metal.

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

NCIS sting: Marines bribe officials for acceptance into University of Phoenix, Strayer University

Published

on

The Naval Criminal Investigation Service announced today the indictment of several Marines accused of bribing college officials for admission to some of the nation’s top online diploma mills.

“These bribes deprived veterans, other service members and average American dupes the chance to get ahead,” NCIS Agent Tom Malloy told reporters. “They prevented the opportunity for hard working people to advance careers through an esteemed and rigorous education.”

NCIS opened its investigation after a Camp Lejeune unit education officer dropped an envelope stuffed with one and five dollar bills and an application to Strayer University written in crayon. A civilian contractor turned the envelope over to NCIS, igniting a scandal that involved multiple Marine Corps bases, according to Malloy.

“In most instances, an education officer took half of the money and sent the rest to the university official,” Malloy said.

The University of Phoenix, Capella University, and Grand Canyon University were also implicated in the scandal. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller expressed shock at the alleged scheme.

“Marines are taught to use black pens on official documents,” Neller said. “Crayons are strictly for consumption.”

NCIS agents believe junior enlisted Marines hatched the plan when looking to enroll in classes that coincided with field day formations. Education officers insisted the Marines would need extra help in enrolling in these for-profit colleges. The education officers earned between $5 and $6 per application for a total of over $500,000 in bribes, according to NCIS.

“I was a little confused when I was approached with a bribe for admission the first time,” an admissions officer for Phoenix University said. “I mean, we’ll enroll anyone with a line of credit or access to tuition assistance money. I took the bribe of course. It only had a few dollars covered in grease and glitter that probably came from a local strip club.”

It is still unclear if the universities will expel the students involved. Most will remain enrolled until their payment checks clear.

Continue Reading

Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

Published

on

professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

Continue Reading

Army

Major forced to go to morning PT spontaneously combusts

Published

on

Fort Bragg, N.C. — An Army major met a disastrous end when he was forced to attend morning PT formation for the first time in seven years, sources confirmed today.

Maj. Eric Hindenburg burst into a ball of fire the moment the battalion commander called the unit to attention.

“We couldn’t tell if it was the sun coming up or one of the joes lighting more fireworks or what. I’ve seen some strange things before, but I’ve never actually seen a major at PT formation,” Sgt. Mark Tunguska told reporters.

Famous for delegating nearly all responsibility, sitting in eight hours worth of meetings a day, and a near universal acceptance of the dad bod, majors have long been an acceptable and simultaneously disdained reality the Army has sustained to keep the wheels of the machine coasting forward.

“Major Hindenburg was … well, come to think of it, he was sort of like all the other majors I’ve ever met. Uh, he was a guy. I guess that’s the only thing I remember about him,” continued Tunguska.

Fellow majors reacted with shock and remorse. Maj. John Morrison, the battalion operations officer, buckled and wept at the news of Hindenberg’s demise.

“Oh, the humanity!” he cried.

The battalion’s majors scheduled a vigil to take place tonight at the local Waffle House.

Hindenburg is survived by ten cats, air stream, and fridge full of micro brews in his garage.

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

134 percent of Marines arrested in nationwide ASVAB cheating scam

Published

on

marine at computer

Federal officials charged thousands of active duty Marines, including several prominent recruiters, today in what the Justice Department says was a costly $5 scheme to cheat ASVAB testing standards.

Nine gazillion Marines allegedly paid a strange man in a trench coat who said he would fabricate test scores and organize bribes to help men and women gain acceptance into the highly regarded service.

“We’re talking about pure dishonesty and rampant fraud — completely fake test scores, fake MEPS physical exams, and bribed officials with meet and greets with Jim Mattis,” Blake Strathman, a U.S. Marine Corp Recruitment Oversight official said at a news conference.

Strathman said Marines “paid from up to $5 to a whole box of crayons” to try to ensure that their scores went above the required 32 to enter the service. The accused allegedly sent bribes to associates controlled by a Virginia man named Dan Shaw in return for securing passing scores on the ASVAB as well as for spreading rumors that they are very strong and mean.

Shaw also presented his clients as elite killers, Strathman said.

“In some cases, Shaw helped Marine applicants take staged photographs of them engaged in Spartan races and intense paintball competitions,” he said. “Other times, Shaw and his connections used stock photos of famous wartime battles and photoshopped the face of the applicant onto the picture and submitted them to recruiters.”

Strathman was asked if he has 250 fake photoshopped pictures and 175 bribes, how many pictures and bribes does he have in all

“SEVEN! No wait. If you carry the two and subtract the 5, you end up with $35 dollars and a 2 strippers with dragon tattoos! Did I win?” he responded.

A total of one thousand million have been charged in the recruitment scheme, according to Marine Corps officials. More than twenty zillion people in multiple states were taken into custody Wednesday as part of “Operation No Impact, No Idea,” said Jake Pugh, special agent in charge of the Marine’s Investigation division.

Continue Reading

Air Force

Parents bribe service academies to not accept their children’s applications

Published

on

naval academy annapolis

WEST POINT — As a string of high-profile college bribery scandals come to light, the FBI has also uncovered that affluent parents are covertly paying service academy admissions to reject applications coming from their children, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t want my child to suffer through a service academy either,” says chief investigator Gary Burkmire. “But there’s a right way and a wrong way for your kids to get ahead in life, and helping them avoid a subpar education through lies and crime is not the way to do it.”

Parents with children in service academies are outraged.

“So I, a poor single mother, have to watch my son go to West Point while rich parents have the privilege of seeing their kids amount to something in life?” asks Sheila Jones. “The wealthy elite really are evil.”

Burkmire has emphasized that the bribes were done without the knowledge of the children.

“Let’s make sure not to blame the kids here,” he told reporters. “Many of them were bright enough to be able to avoid a military education all on their own, but their parents didn’t have enough faith and made things worse.”

In some instances, the fraud even included paying up to $500,000 for an impostor to show up to the child’s Candidate Fitness Test and fail for them.

The legal repercussions of the scandal fall somewhat on the youth, despite the crimes originating with their parents.

“Unfortunately, regardless of qualifications, all applicants involved in the bribery scandal have been admitted to the service academy of their choice, and must report on the first day of school,” says Burkmire. “I hate to see this kind of thing, but it’s what happens when you mess with the system.”

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Advertisement

Trending