YOUR BASE — Sources confirmed your sociopathic, completely worthless non-commissioned officer (NCO) who makes your life a living hell has a wife and kids who love him while you’re going to die alone.
“That E-6 who is a horrible person who you have no respect for,” said Private First Class Dwayne Robertson, “He actually has a family. It’s hard to believe, and there’s someone for everyone, but you’ll probably never know because you’re sitting on base all the time.”
According to two high-level sources, Staff Sgt. Timothy Edwards not only convinced a woman to go on a date with him, but eventually got her to marry him and father a child who — contrary to what you may have thought — was not the spawn of Satan. It’s amazing that a woman wants to spend her life with a horrible person like Edwards while you’re a completely nice guy who can’t get a date with anyone, sources told reporters.
Sources also revealed that Edwards shows his wife love and compassion, emotions you thought he was unable to feel. Further, he also does not threaten to beat his wife or children, saving those threats only for the soldiers under his command.
According to senior Pentagon officials, Edwards is spending his Friday night with his wife and kids while you’re sitting in your barracks room playing video games, drinking Steel Reserve, and wondering what happened to your life. “Tomorrow he’s going to take his family out to the park and have a great time while you’ll spend the day drinking by yourself,” one official said under condition of anonymity, as he was not authorized to speak on how much of a worthless waste of a human being you really are.
Meanwhile, other sources said you’re never going to get laid while spending your weekends watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls. In frank interviews with Duffel Blog reporters, sources confirmed you should get out sometimes and explore the city you’re stationed in. They say there are fun things to do in town and women who are DTF.
At press time, Daniel McMillan, an expert on military affairs, told Duffel Blog those sources were actually wrong. “It’s not worth even trying to get laid, girls around here don’t like military guys,” he said.
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