CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Military Police were called to base housing early Tuesday morning, after a Spartan-worshipping Marine threw his “defective” eight-year old son off a nearby cliff after his son was unable to carry a hoplite shield.
“I told the little helot to either come back with his shield or on it,” Captain Linus Kurgus shouted as he was being bundled into a police car. Kurgus has also been relieved of his command of Fox Company, 2nd Battalion 6th Marines, pending an investigation.
While Kurgus’ superiors have disavowed any prior knowledge of his aggressive behavior, sources say his obsession with the Spartans was well-known around Camp Lejeune.
While members of his unit say his command laughed off his demand for a no-shave chit to grow a beard, they grew more concerned after he was arrested for showing up to a Spartan Race completely naked, save his tunic.
His commanding officer, Lt. Col. Lyle Sander, later issued him a formal rebuke after discovering that Kurgus was ignoring required Marine Corps training and instead concentrating on teaching his company how to properly march in a phalanx.
The battalion’s Family Readiness Officer also reported being cornered in her office by Kurgus, who described an “outlandish plan” to enslave all his neighbors in nearby Jacksonville and force them to support the battalion by farming.
The incident has also shed a spotlight on the Marine Corps’ fanatical and increasingly unhealthy obsession with the ancient Greek civilization, which has slowly permeated Marine culture, culminating in the recent series of 300 movies.
Fortunately, most Marines are about as knowledgeable on Spartan history as they are their own, and Spartan culture is just something to slap on a motivational t-shirt or give a half-assed class about.
What set Kurgus apart was both his detailed knowledge of Spartan history and single-minded obsession to live his life by it.
According to his family, Kurgus knew he wanted to be a Spartan ever since he first saw the movie The 300 Spartans, about the Battle of Thermopylae, as a small boy. Shortly after, he was banned from his Boy Scout troop after nearly beating several boys to death.
However, the pederastic relationship which he established with his Scoutmaster would plant the seeds for his later Sparta-oriented career in the Marine Corps.
As he grew older, novels like Gates of Fire only fed what people considered a minor eccentricity. Although his in-laws were alarmed when he kidnapped his wife and shaved her head the day before their wedding, his wife was even more disturbed when she discovered that her husband solely indulged in anal sex.
Officials at Camp Lejeune say that Capt. Kurgus will most likely face either non-judicial punishment, or a public flogging in Holcomb Circle.