WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprising foreign policy change, U.S. officials have announced a new Middle Eastern strategy of attempting to deliberately destabilize the region in hopes that the plan will backfire, Duffel Blog has learned.
Secretary of State John Kerry described the new ‘Hail Mary’ plan at a State Department briefing earlier this morning.
“After careful analysis, we have concluded that the only thing our previous Middle Eastern policies have in common is failure,” Kerry said. “Therefore, we’ve decided that we’re going to attempt to destabilize the Middle East as much as possible in the hope that this plan will fail as well.”
Kerry then announced that the United States had formally recognized Palestine as an independent state, but was also in the process of shipping tanks and helicopter gunships to Israeli settlers. When asked why the arms were not being shipped to the Israeli Army, Kerry explained that it had been labeled a terrorist organization as part of the sweeping initiative. Other elements of the plan will include trucking Shiites into traditionally Sunni areas and vice versa, supplying weapons grade plutonium to Iran, and providing fully assembled suitcase-sized nuclear weapons to any state or armed group that wants them.
Kerry then turned over the briefing to Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel to discuss some of the plan’s military aspects.
“As we speak, cruise missiles are in the air targeting the Wailing Wall, Dome of the Rock, Church of the Holy Sepulchre, and Al Aqsa Mosque,” said Hagel. “In order to prevent any of them from being rebuilt, the entire Temple Mount will be resettled with tigers displaced by habitat loss. We debated using lions, but decided that a non-indigenous predator would cause greater instability.”
“Close behind the wave of missiles, 200,000 American soldiers and Marines are now en route to the Middle East. They have not been briefed on their strategic objectives, because there are none. They do not even know their destinations, which are being drawn from top hats by their pilots while in the air. This will likely cause at least some of the planes to conduct crash landings due to lack of fuel, which we hope will only add to the chaos.”
“In addition to our efforts on the ground, our C-130s are already crisscrossing the region air-dropping containers at random. Some are full of millions of dollars. Others are full of weapons and ammunition. Others are full of peanut brittle. Even we cannot say with certainty which is which.”
Delivery of the briefing coincided with related announcements from agencies representing every element of US national power, including not only diplomacy and defense, but also intelligence and business, suggesting a level of coordination previously unseen from the Obama administration’s foreign policy team. While the Central Intelligence Agency’s role in the new strategy has not been publicized, public speculation as to their possible role, ranging from assassinating the Saudi royal family to contaminating every well between Cairo and Muscat with LSD, has already contributed to disorder regardless of what their actual role might be.
Kerry elaborated on the plan’s unprecedented integration of soft power.
“In keeping with this administration’s belief that problems cannot be solved with military power alone, we will also leverage our economic and informational advantages. For example, we will have rooms of cartoonists from every nation drawing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad seven days a week, and our media will cover them around the clock while intermittently flashing the word “kill” on the TV screen. We are also in close conference with music industry executives regarding whether it might be possible to divide Middle Eastern music with some sort of violent and artificial East Coast-West Coast style feud.”
In response to questions regarding his level of confidence that the plan would inevitably fail, Kerry referred press to newly appointed Ambassador at Large Paul Bremer. Bremer apparently took the post after a joint appeal from George W. Bush and Barack Obama, who implored him that his country needed him to come out of retirement for one final mission. Bremer described himself as optimistic, and well prepared for the challenging work ahead.
“Looking at the bigger picture, I have compiled tribal, ethnic, religious, and resource map overlays of the region, and I am pleased to report that I have created a new set of proposed borders to impose upon the area that will create lethal sectarian tensions with no historical antecedents. The borders follow no natural boundaries and have no logical shape. Whenever possible, I placed the borders to run through the middle of people’s houses.”
“This is the job I was born to do,” concluded Bremer.
In response to the announcement, House Republicans have denounced the plan as certain to succeed.
Duffel Blog writer G-Had contributed to this article.