New Private Eager To Join US Army's 'Socialist Paradise'
FORT POLK, La. — Spurred by the prospect of solid communal living, subsidized health care, and a guaranteed job, newly-graduated Pvt. Bronson Alcott extolled the virtues of the U.S. Army's socialist paradise, sources confirmed today.
"I can hardly wait to get started," gushed Alcott, as he boarded the bus for the airport from his graduation at Fort Polk, La. to begin his six-year commitment to the glorious revolution. "I have been committed to the cause since before I could walk."
Still, the Burlington, Vt. native confided to Duffel Blog that his parents were initially skeptical of his decision to enlist.
"My parents were actually red diaper babies," Alcott said. "At first, mother and father were repulsed by my decision to join the vast military industrial complex, but when I explained the total interdependency of soldier and system, they saw that I had not lost my mind."
Alcott praised the U.S. military as being "ahead of its time," as sources confirmed he had recently experienced the Ar…
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