BOX ELDER, S.D. — The Ellsworth Air Force Base barber shop sees its fair share of regulars, but none may be as young or excited to be there as one chief master sergeant’s son, sources confirmed this morning.
“Most of my fellow Chiefs brag about how they overrule their wives and drag their sons to the base barber for routine regulation haircuts,” Chief Master Sgt. Dave Dawson told reporters. ”But little Dudley here, he hops right in the chair and says ‘give me the usual Moe’ like he’s already in the Air Force. I am truly blessed.”
Indeed, sources confirmed that 8-year-old Dudley Dawson is absolutely dying to be dragged to the barber by his father so he can sit down and get a $9 high-and-tight haircut, which junior airmen around the base will no doubt believe to be the result of blatant child abuse.
Unfortunately, buzz cuts are not all the rage at school these days. Still, Dudley told reporters his only goal in life — especially at this pivotal young age — is to stick out like a sore thumb in school and be branded a dweeb by social superiors, like Tyler and Brad, the two bullies who live down the street from him. As if having the name Dudley is not enough, sources confirmed the pathetic little shit indeed loves getting those stupid high-and-tight haircuts, despite being thrown into lockers as a direct result.
“That’ll make sure I develop just the right amount of an inferiority complex to get ahead in life,” Dudley said, also suggesting that he’ll probably have to do something drastic like join the military to prove his worth as an adult. “And it’ll all be thanks to this awesome haircut. Thanks, Dad!”
Daisy Dawson, Dave’s wife and 28th Bomb Wing Spouse of the Year, says her son can have whatever hair style he wants.
“The other wives ask why I let my husband make little Dudley get that military haircut, but I tell them he just wants to be like his Dad. His older brother Chad has hair past his shoulders,” she said. “Although I worry about him and his friends drinking, doing drugs, and having sex. Maybe those haircuts really do help our young men stay away from things they should not be doing.”
At press time, sources in the base barber shop confirmed it’s only a matter of time before little Dudley joins Junior ROTC and cements his status as the biggest dork on base.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.