CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Multiple sources confirmed that Marine Cpl. Ryan Biggs — with a previously unblemished five year Marine Corps career and a large tattoo on his back reading “Death Before Dishonor” — is now a total hypocrite after he committed a dishonorable offense earlier this week.
Biggs, previously assigned to Task Force Belleau Wood, previously boasted of a spotless tenure in the Corps, including a storied history of international philandering and adultery, merciless bullying, frequent bouts of public belligerence, and the drunken operation of motor vehicles.
However, Biggs’ honor now stands impugned after a botched attempt to smuggle weapons back from Afghanistan, sources told reporters.
“What a dishonorable shitbag,” said Biggs’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Howard Bowles, who is pending non-judicial punishment for his fourth DUI. “We just didn’t see this one coming.”
“This is low, even for him,” said Cpl. Jeffrey Haynes, a personnel clerk who has nearly finished his foolproof master plan to murder, dismember and dispose of Biggs after being routinely victimized over the course of an entire tour in Okinawa. “Plus, there are much better ways to smuggle an AK-47 than shoving it into your seabag and claiming it’s a replica.”
Fellow Marines reported that Biggs would oftentimes take off his shirt with no provocation or regard for his surroundings, puff out his “lats” and direct all attention to his tattoo. The sprawling ink canvas, which features a skull, flowers, and a scroll, was lauded by peers as “really fucking original” and praised for “encompassing the subtle nuances of enlisted service in a way [Private First Class] White’s ‘Superman’ tattoo never could.”
Now, the once-acclaimed work of body art is nothing more than a permanent and shameful stain, drawing ire and derision from those who used to consider Biggs “a huge douche with glaring insecurities, but still a pretty fun guy to get plastered with.”
“He should just get that damn thing lasered off,” said Lance Cpl. Rob Jennings, coughing uncontrollably in between hits of synthetic marijuana. “And then, fucking kill himself. Arms smuggling? Goddamn spineless, immoral heathen.”
“I’m just so ashamed of him,” cried Biggs’ wife of seven months, Sara, who regularly cheats on him with the night manager at the local Denny’s. “Now I have his ignoble spawn festering inside of me. I should just get an abortion.”
Cpl. Bruce Puttman has struggled with the ignominy befallen Biggs, who was his best man.
“I didn’t think we’d get much closer after two combat deployments together, but when I found out that he was nailing my wife behind my back for over a year, I knew we had a bond that couldn’t be broken,” said Puttman, who still hasn’t told Biggs that Sara is actually carrying his child.
“Think you know somebody,” he ruefully added.
At press time, Biggs’ commanding officer, Col. Patrick Schubert, was reportedly combing through the Manual for Courts Martial, looking for a way to have Biggs summarily executed, “to put us all out of our goddamn misery.”
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