CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – Private First Class Chad Slater is struggling with a momentous life decision bearing untold consequences, as sources say he has repeatedly alternated between a solid black polo and his boot camp company t-shirt in front of the mirror of his barracks room, in freshly-creased khaki trousers and military-issued leather shoes.
Depending on whether or not he properly utilizes Operational Risk Management and exercises basic fashion etiquette, Slater could either reap the sweet fruit of conquest or face the shameful emasculation of female rejection.
“Chastity says she really likes a sensitive guy who will listen to her,” Slater said indecisively. “I think I’m going to go with the polo.”
“Well, if you’re going to go with the polo, at least pop your collar to show that you’re both chic and edgy,” suggested Private First Class Nick Howard, Slater’s faithful battle buddy and future Eskimo brother.
“Nah, dawg, you gotta wear the boot camp shirt!” interjected Slater’s roommate, Pfc. Angel Morales. “Show her that you’re badass, esé, know what I’m saying?”
“It does have a skull on it,” conceded Howard.
“God, I’m so torn!” cried Slater in exasperation. “And what do you think she wanted with all of these GI Bill pamphlets?”
“Have you considered wearing a Tapout shirt?” asked Howard in earnest. “Jacobs said he wore one last weekend with a flat brim hat and got laid.”
“Are you serious?” Slater said, wide-eyed and interest piqued. “All I have is this Affliction shirt, but I guess it’ll do.”
At press time, sources reported that Slater came home before midnight and tearfully masturbated in utter frustration.
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