Norfolk, VA — The deck department’s leading petty officer onboard USS Mesa Verde (LPD-19) was proud to announce that everyone in berthing managed to shower and do their laundry without having to be told, sources confirmed this morning.
“I can’t believe it!” said Boatswain’s Mate First Class Dan Nagle. “35 people in the berthing, and they’ve all mastered a task done by most 12-year-olds. This is a proud day for deck department.”
According to sources, the Mesa Verde’s deck department is full of of training school dropouts, screw-ups, and sailors who don’t know how to use a paintbrush.
“Considering the type of people in deck it’s no surprise they don’t know how to use a screwdriver,” Nagle added. “I had to spend weeks teaching them how to clean their bodies, but now that they do, I feel like a proud father watching his son ride a bicycle for the first time.”
Telling reporters that he was glad he didn’t have to watch anyone shower anymore, Seaman Richard Pound explained how this incredible turn of events transpired:
“We had to put people on ordered showers and someone had to watch them. They thought it was completely normal, like you always have someone stare at you while you’re naked. Sometimes Harris would make eye contact and get a chubby.”
The greatest step forward in berthing cleanliness, Pound added, was when Seaman John Harnis was given a dishonorable discharge. Harnis was known to go a month between showers and his laundry was so “vile” that the supply department refused to wash it.
“It was like night and day,” Pound said. “I didn’t know he was kicked until I walked into the berthing. I couldn’t smell him so I knew he was gone.”
Nagle said although he was proud of his gains, there is still a lot of work to be done. “My next challenge,” he said, “is to teach grown men how to flush the toilet.”