RAQQA, SYRIA — Citing a growing number of westerners who have joined the ranks of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS), representatives of the terror group told reporters their successful recruitment campaign was successful due to relaxed grooming standards and a liberal tattoo policy.
“Our secret is having little to no standards whatsoever,” said ISIS recruiter Winston Al Noob. “Our grooming and hygiene standards are nonexistent and you can pretty much have a tattoo on your taint and we wouldn’t care. We’ll practically let any turd off the street join. We also save a bundle on soap.”
In recruiting images posted on social media sites, ISIS seems to understand its target audience quite well.
“Rebellious? Discontent? Ready to do something different with your life? Thinking of joining the military? Well ISIS has a message for you: ‘Screw that! How about joining an outfit that gets to kick ass!’ reads one image, which was found on Instagram under the hashtag #JihadOfOne.
“Join ISIS, Conquer The World,” reads a propaganda poster inside a local ISIS recruiting office in France. Sources confirmed that ISIS knows potential recruits have other options, but they have come up with clever ways to undermine recruiters of competing military services.
“No one is forced to wear those silly reflective belts. We want the world to know we are decidedly unsafe,” said recruiter Omar Abu al-Twitter, a social media specialist. “Many of our fighters haven’t worn glow belts since they were members of the Sons of Iraq.”
Discipline and conduct aren’t an issue within the group’s ranks either, as recruits won’t have to deal with restrictive codes of conduct like their western counterparts.
“Western armies like to say things like ‘kill babies.’ We actually do it,” said Al Noob. “Urinating on dead bodies and puppy killing are so JV. As a matter of fact, violent desecration of people is a requirement for promotion in ISIS. Western ‘core values’ and notions of martial discipline aren’t our concern. You can keep your hands in your pockets all day long as long as your fingers are on the trigger of your suicide vest.”
There are little to no eligibility requirements to enlist in ISIS. Age, education, and national origin are of no consequence to the burgeoning caliphate.
“Background checks, smackground checks,” said Al Noob. “We don’t care if you’re a psychiatrist, a debutant, or a failed rap artist. Hell, most of the time we recruit American kids who just want to piss off their parents.”
Potential ISIS recruits are given a sense of belonging and community through various recruiting functions before they are shipped off to Syria. Events like the “Bring Your Own Scimitar” party have proved popular. Other potential candidates are drawn by the prospect of furthering their education through ISIS’ Post 9/11 Jihad Bill.
Those interested in joining ISIS are urged to contact their local FBI field office. Applicants are encouraged to include updated contact information and current grid coordinates.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.