BRUSSELS, Belgium — Lt. Col. Dave Birdsong has spent the last two hours sitting in a briefing, unsure whether the presenter is British or brain damaged.
Birdsong is not alone: Many of the attendees are flabbergasted about whether the officer giving the brief has some sort of mental deficiency or is simply from England, Duffel Blog has learned.
“When he says the American military forces have ‘quite good kit, Bob’s your uncol,’ is that just a regional idiom, or might I need to summon medical help?” Birdsong asked reporters. “If he’s having a stroke, I want to help. But Brits frequently talk nonsense like that, so I’m not totally certain.”
Birdsong’s fellow officers are similarly unclear about whether the presenter, Leftenant Nathanial Bumbershoot, is extremely British or he possibly has a clinical mental disorder. And they also wonder whether there is a difference.
“Listen to this,” whispers Ensign Allison Janney. “About five minutes ago, he said ‘unless you’re taking the mick, I say this is a bollocks-all something something footie match.’ Who the fuck talks like that if they aren’t experiencing a brain bleed?”
“That’s nothing,” interjected Sgt. Maj. Bob O’Hoolihan, leaning in to whisper. “Last week he gave a brief where, I swear, he spent about thirty minutes comparing the current Israel mess to fucking Quidditch.”
Reached for reaction, Leftenant Bumbershoot was skeptical of the assessment from his critics.
“Wot’s awl this then, guvnah?!” he told reporters, nearly spilling his exquisitely-brewed Earl Grey tea out of his priceless heirloom china teacup. “I aver this is a right proper flim-flam twizzle-twazzle! Let’s have a brew-up and a fag, and nozz it over quite right-like! Blimey! Zounds! Aluminium heliocopter lorry torch lift blarg roundabout!”
“Cor!” he added meaningfully.
At press time, Leftenant Bumbershoot was going out to the parade field to swat with a cudgel at a tiny spheroid, attempting to knock a stick off of some other sticks.