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Marine Corps

Non-Deployed NCO Already Acts like Non-Deployed SNCO

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Though Cpl. Hector Garcia is a non-commissioned officer who has never deployed to combat, it would be hard to guess it from his extreme levels of motivation, intensity, and excitability, all of which are more typical of a senior staff non-commissioned officer (SNCO) who has never deployed to combat.

That is because every day, Garcia chooses to go the extra mile in personally exemplifying the many eccentricities he wrongly believes characterize Marines who have been to war.

It begins when he steps into his car, the back of which is plastered with bumper stickers from Sgt Grit’s, a store dedicated to apparel, t-shirts, stickers, and hats for Marines.

“I like Sgt Grit’s, but that kid has made me hate those goddamn bumper stickers,” says the SNCO of Garcia’s section, Staff Sgt. Michael Branch, who was on his first combat deployment when Garcia was 13-years-old. “He actually turned one of them into his email signature, then attributed it to himself as a quote. ‘Heaven doesn’t want us, and hell’s afraid we’ll take over, -Corporal Hector Garcia.’ It’s so fucking asinine that sometimes I can’t tell him from my fellow SNCOs.”

“Not the good ones,” Branch explains, “just the ones who haven’t been anywhere or done anything, and really overcompensate for it.”

“C-130 ROLLING DOWN THE STRIP!” shouts Garcia during a morning PT run, oblivious to the eye-rolling and icy stares from almost every other Marine in the formation. Though the cadence dates back to the Vietnam War, many modern Marines are personally acquainted with the C-130 from their time in Afghanistan or Iraq.

These Marines are intimately familiar with the deafeningly loud droning of C-130 engines and the maddening length of most C-130 flights. These Marines are not interested in calling a cadence that begins with a C-130 doing anything other than sitting quietly in a hangar or flying toward a large airbase as the first leg of a trip home from a lengthy deployment.

“OORAH, DEVIL DOG!” screams an equally oblivious SNCO on the other side of the formation.

“I kind of wish Garcia would go to Afghanistan and actually fly somewhere on a C-130,” says Afghanistan veteran Sgt. Edgar Mendoza. “Not just because I want his neck to get fucked up from trying to sleep in unnatural positions with shit sticking into his back, but also because I think there are decent odds he’d stand up in the middle of the flight, shuffle to the door, and jump right out before anyone can stop him. Man, that would be awesome. That’s one funeral detail I’d lead in a heartbeat, just to tell his mom “well, he did his best” and then bury him deep.”

Sources confirmed that Garcia spends a large amount of his free time on Facebook, liking and commenting on any status posted by the Marine Corps Recruiting Command (MCRC), which maintains the official Marine Corps Facebook feed. The tremendous motivation evident in Garcia’s comments, which he routinely types in all caps with multiple exclamation points, has not escaped the notice of the Marines at MCRC.

“I write our status updates, and even I think they’re dumb as shit,” says Iraq veteran Sgt. Owen Case, who runs and moderates the MCRC Facebook feed. “I literally wake up in the morning, look at my CIF gear, and then post some stupid question about the first piece of gear I see, like ‘what does IFAK stand for?’ It’s meaningless crap if you’re a real Marine, but it’s not meant for real Marines. It’s meant for poolees who have never left their hometown, or for their relatives who are still getting integrated into the Marine Corps family.”

“No Marine who’s banked a combat deployment, active or retired, actually sits there systematically reading and commenting on that crap. If they comment at all, it’s usually only to ask ‘what is this shit?,’ and then I privately message them to say ‘hey, brother, here’s a link to Terminal Lance. I’ll buy you a drink in the VFW sometime, now get the fuck off my message board, it’s just for the new guys who aren’t even boots yet and their families.'”

Nearly 100 percent of them eventually understand, Case says, but not Garcia.

“That idiot sits on there all day commenting alongside these teens from Lincoln, Washington, or Roosevelt High School or wherever, probably feeling like the biggest ape in the jungle because he knows all this simple shit and has already been to boot camp.”

In spite of his high support for MCRC, there are some Marine Corps policies that Cpl. Garcia strongly disagrees with, such as wearing the bravo uniform on Fridays.

“We’re warriors, and combat utilities should be the working uniform of a warrior,” says Garcia, glumly sporting a thin row of decorations on the chest of his class bravo uniform. His pouting is almost indistinguishable from the pouting of the small number of SNCOs who have to be seen in public once a week with nothing on their chests but Navy Achievement Medals and Navy Commendation Medals after more than a decade of continuous warfare.

Even if Garcia deployed to combat, his fellow Marines are skeptical of his ability to live up to the claims made on the rear bumper of his Toyota.

“Garcia once put on full [personal protective gear] to go on a convoy out to a range,” says training chief Gunnery Sgt. David Riggs. “He wore it all, like right down to the gloves and hood, and this was in the middle of July. He moved like that little kid in the snowsuit from A Christmas Story. Then he screamed ‘contact right’ over the radio during the drive over. I got on the net and asked what the fuck he was doing, and he just laughed and spouted off some moto bumper sticker bullshit.”

“What a complete dickweed. You just know he’s going to be a non-deployed first sergeant one day,” Riggs added.

Still, not all of Cpl. Garcia’s fellow Marines are so critical. Sgt. Maj. Frank Allen told Duffel Blog he kind of likes the kid.

“He grows on you with all his silly bullshit quotes from Heartbreak Ridge. He’s kind of a blast from the past,” says Allen, who first deployed as a private first class during Operation Desert Storm. “I remember when I was a young Marine, and I thought that’s what real Marines were like, because that’s what all the peacetime SNCOs were like. Seeing that nonsense again now makes me feel like these hordes of never-deployed Marines are just a disease we just periodically get, and that, God willing, one day a group of young Marines will sit down in the aftermath of the next Iwo Jima, Chosin, or Fallujah, and say ‘hey, do you guys remember Gunny Garcia? What a tool he was.'”

Marine Corps

Battalion commander eliminates all liberty incidents by telling Marines to ‘do the right thing’

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines from 1st Battalion 7th Marine Regiment are determined not to have any incidents this weekend after their battalion commander urged them to “do the right thing” at his weekly liberty brief, sources confirmed today.

Lt. Col. Mark Branfield’s remarks normally focus on training highlights from the past week and implicit calls to “protect what you’ve earned,” but this Friday, Branfield explicitly addressed liberty incidents. He told the Marines not to commit any felonies or haze each other, according to Marines present for the briefing.

“The boys are disciplined,” he explained. “I told them to do the right thing, and I’m sure that is exactly what they will do.”

Branfield’s straightforward approach seems to have had an immediate effect on the battalion.

“You know, I was dead set on murdering a hooker and burying her in Joshua Tree tomorrow,” Lance Cpl. Kevin Carlos said, “but that wouldn’t be right, and I am going to do the right thing this weekend because the battalion commander told me to.”

Pfc. (Third Award) Alonzo Morris of Baker Company, who currently holds the regimental record of six consecutive weekends with a Sunday morning call to his platoon sergeant, said Branfield’s words inspired him.

“I don’t mean to get in trouble. I just don’t know what to do with myself when my team leader isn’t around,” Morris admitted. “All you gotta do is tell me to do the right thing, and I’ll do it.”

At press time, Marines in the battalion were standing in a school circle listening to the sergeant major piggyback off the battalion commander’s remarks. It is unclear whether they will be released by Monday morning.

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Camp Lejeune residents invoiced for any superpowers developed after water poisoning

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SMALLVILLE, Kansas — Past residents of Camp Lejeune were recently sent invoices for any superpowers they may have developed from a series of incidents starting in 1953 that led to the toxic contamination of the drinking water supply in base housing, sources confirmed today.

The invoices arrived after the Department of Veterans Affairs received several reports of superpowers concerning an aging population that was living on base at the time. The exact source of the contamination was never determined, but rumors link it to a combination of fuel farm leakage, off-base dry cleaning mismanagement, and runoff from excess motivation of second lieutenants.

The Beckett family received invoices in the mail for a combined total of $45,000. Stephanie Johnson and her husband Glenn, 65 and 68 respectively, developed their superpowers about 10 years prior.

“I can understand billing my husband. He got teleportation,” Stephanie said. “But all I got was an enhanced sensitivity to race relations. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m a Republican!”

The controversy has increased over the years as various internal investigations have cleared the U.S. government of accountability while some whistleblowers still insist that base officials were aware of the problem and attempted to cover it up. One retired service member said he submitted an official report — which showed water toxicity levels up to 3,400 times over the recommended safe amount — to the base commander.

The commander “crumbled up the documents, stuffed them underneath his shirt, and pretended they were boobies,” the service member said.

James Holder, another local resident, received an invoice for $8,000. At first, he attempted to contact Defense Financing and Accounting Services to negotiate payment, but after being routed through several different departments, he was told that since he directly benefited from the contamination the U.S. government was entitled to reimbursement and garnishment of his disability payments if necessary.

“I guess the laser eyes aren’t that bad,” Holder said. “I can’t look in the mirror anymore or gaze lovingly into my wife’s eyes, but hey, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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Marine Corps

Afraid of talking on radio, Millennials Snapchat for fire

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AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today.

The problem began years back with the generation’s fear of picking up the phone and answering doorbells, but crisis looms as the behavior bleeds over into the professional warfighting environment.

“That crack of the radio is just so sudden, you know? It’s terrifying,” said Capt. Aiden Mason, who was discovered in his company post huddled beneath his desk in fear, cradling a chai latte and an armful of participation trophies as his Gen-X battalion commander tried to contact him over the airwaves.

To combat this predicament, the Marine Corps has begun outfitting its observers with electronic tablets with a built in “Call for Fire” Snapchat expansion app.

“The project took off after we started issuing tablets equipped with the navigational app ‘Waze’ to boot lieutenants and “Uber X-tract” for on-demand helicopter extraction. Snapping for fire just sort of felt like the logical next step,” Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller said.

Air Naval Gunfire Liaison Companies request assistance by sending selfies to artillery batteries, CAS pilots, and naval gunfire platforms under the program. The app even allows troops to call for fire entirely through use of emojis as studies show that 83 percent of the “No Child Left Behind” generation is entirely illiterate. Several photos leaked of infantrymen making duck lips using combat selfie sticks with phrases like “Yaaaaaas, slay” scrawled across the screen.

“This new app is so fire, it really helps with my anxiety,” said Lt. Raz Saturn, an Air Force drone pilot with pink hair and cateye glasses who doesn’t have a callsign because she finds them offensive and “otherizing”

“To be honest, I’m literally mostly just excited to be able to yeet down some arty while taking a fat dump and hitting my Juul,” said Lance Cpl. Craig Johnson, who sources say frequently shares photographs of his feces with fellow Marines.

This new program is not without its critics. Primarily middle-aged veterans who define their entire identity by a four-year enlistment in a peacetime military and spent the following three decadesas subpar midgrade GS employees have criticized the move as “weak” and “coddling a bunch of snowflakes.” Many Boomer veterans expressed shock at the current generation, who has borne the brunt of America’s longest wars, and denied any complicity in the way their children were raised or shoddy policy that sent them to war.

Despite the naysayers, Neller expressed faith in the program.

“I can always count on my young Marines to be professional and lead the charge with adapting technology,” Neller said while throwing out a dab to show that he was “down with the youth.”

At press time, the “Text for Fire” program was discontinued after a lance corporal accidentally called in an air strike on a friendly village while power-swiping on Tinder.

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Marine Corps

Marine Corps to reduce infantryman’s load by recruiting fewer wussies

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In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops’ combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies.

“Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number of wimps, wusses, and Nancy-pantses in our infantry units,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller.

“Further, we believe a battalion’s lethality will increase ten to fifteen percent simply by removing all broke dick losers from its ranks.”

Previous studies from the World War II and Vietnam War eras showed that the maximum amount of weight under which the average infantryman could effectively operate in combat was 45 to 50 pounds. However, Neller believes this load could be increased to 80 or even 90 pounds for any Marine that is not a “candy-ass bitch.”

“After months of lab experiments and field testing, we’ve concluded that a Marine could travel farther and faster under load if he or she is not a pathetic, spineless jellyfish,” said CNA physiologist Dr. Zeb Krantz. “Much of the pain and fatigue often associated with rucking and patrolling can be overcome by a steady practice of sucking it the fuck up.”

Operational testing by Marine units in Twentynine Palms, California, also showed that most Marine could increase their carrying capacity by regularly lifting heavy weights and not being a flaccid little creampuff. The Warfighting Lab has even developed a qualitative assessment called the Performance and Nerve System (PANSys) for determining whether a prospective recruit is an impotent softy.

“We’re still in the beginning stages of implementation,” said Neller. “But I’m confident we’ll be able to get rid of all chickenshit fat bodies by the end of the year.”

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Marines with no combat experience haze Marines with equal amount of combat experience

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – A hazing scandal has rocked the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center after multiple reports of inappropriate treatment towards junior Marines, sources confirmed today.

The alleged perpetrators, a group of lance corporals with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines, maintain their innocence, citing their solemn duty as non-commissioned officers to train their Marines.

The group recently returned from a six month deployment to the “central command area of responsibility,” during which they were exposed to absolutely no danger or anything closely resembling combat.

“I just spent six months standing post in Kuwait, do you think I would have been capable of guarding a base in a completely safe and sovereign nation if I hadn’t had a broom stick shoved up my ass as a private?” said Lance Cpl. James Stockton.

“Yeah, how do you think I would have had the mental fortitude to lift twice a day and consume 7,000 calories per meal if I hadn’t been punched in the face by my seniors?” added Lance Cpl. Daniel Gonzalez.

The Marines’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nathan White, gave a confusing and contradictory statement.

“Back in my day, this would have been considering training, but you know, you can’t do that shit, but you know, sometimes things happen when they shouldn’t happen, and sometimes that’s the way it is,” he said.

The key witness, 2nd Lt. Joshua Emerson, was standing his first duty when he stumbled across the scene.

“I heard someone yell, ‘You boot fucks are going to learn what it’s like to eat three delicious meals a day and attend Air Force sponsored activities,’” Emerson said. “Then they started shoving cake in their mouths, making them identify the flavor. One Marine said chocolate, but the correct answer was dulce de leche.”

The groups’ commanding officer, Lt. Col. John Q. Kraft, was particularly perplexed by the hazing incident, having spent over 49 hours personally briefing the Marines on the dangers of hazing.

“We did seven consecutive safety stand-downs,” Kraft said. “This is definitely not my fault and should not impact my career.”

Kraft took swift action in response to the incident. He placed one officer and one staff non-commissioned officer on every deck of the barracks for 24-hour shifts. When asked if the new policy may have contribute low unit morale, Kraft scoffed.

“Nonsense, I stood duty every day for three years when I was a lieutenant, these boots need to be tougher. It’s not hazing, its good training,” he said.

The commanding general has already convicted the alleged hazers to two life sentences, despite lacking the authority to do so.

“Hazers don’t deserve due process,” the general was heard yelling within earshot of the base’s frustrated legal team.

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Marine Corps

Navy announces newest occupational specialty: ‘meat gazer’

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WASHINGTON  — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer.

The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests.

“Meat gazing was historically a low-level collateral duty for go getters who volunteered to impress commanders, weirdos who enjoy checking out other dudes’ packages, or simple run-of-the-mill perverts. Now, it’s a full-time job,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The meat gazer rating is the result of a petition that went viral and gained the attention of Navy leaders.

The Marines started the petition.org effort as a joke, but it quickly garnered service-wide exposure. Roughly 245,000 sailors signed the petition within days, which equates to nearly three-quarters of the Navy begging and yearning to stare at rods for a living.

“In addition to the petition, we also noted that a large number of sailors already excelled in staring at the genitalia of other male sailors in the restroom,” said Capt. Richard D. Head, who is spearheading the new initiative. “It really made sense to build a satisfying career track for these hog worshipers.”

While sailors from across the Navy have been submitting rate-change request packets in record numbers, most of the new meat gazers are expected to come from the ranks of the Navy’s master at arms rating, which already has a high number of habitual meat gazers.

Advancement exams for the new specialty will cover topics such as advising sailors on how to handle their beef during testing, keeping urine containers uncontaminated, and requiring sailors to stand far enough away from urinals to allow meat gazers the perfect view to see urine leave the penis.

“Sometimes we are staring more intently and concentrating harder than the person trying to push urine through their meat sticks,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack M. Hoff. “But the whole experience is satisfying to everyone involved. I’m glad the Navy has heard our voices and is allowing meat gazers to exist. I’m beyond excited.”

Sailors hoping to obtain a slot as a meat gazer have been spending their free time hanging out in as many locker rooms as possible, practicing their trade, and honing their skills, according to sources.

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Marine Corps

First Sergeant won’t let troops leave Syria until they fill out their leave chits

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Days after President Donald Trump announced he would be pulling all U.S. troops out of Syria, a Marine first sergeant on the ground has refused to let any of them leave until “every swingin’ dick” has filled out their leave chits, sources confirmed today.

“Hold on there, motivators. No one’s going anywhere until you all have a daggum hour-by-hour safety plan in place,” said 1st Sgt. Ray Thornton. “And there ain’t no way in hell the CO will approve these chits until squad leaders have inspected every friggin’ POV.”

Thornton stressed to the Marines that anyone planning to travel farther from Syria than the allowed 200-mile leave boundaries would need to have a special plan in place and would need to call CENTCOM every 24 hours to check in.

“I signed the wrong block on my leave chit, and now I’m stuck in Raqqah by myself until after New Years,” said Cpl. Ryan Payne. “This sucks!”

Within hours of Trump’s announcement on Wednesday, Thornton had the entire formation covered and aligned by the border to prepare to leave, but they ended up being stuck there for days waiting for the armory sight count to be up.

“Count it again!” shouted Thornton, enemy artillery rounds falling around the Marines. “And who the hell submitted this roster as an Excel spreadsheet? I asked for a PDF!”

At press time, all troops had been recalled to Syria for an emergency police call to find a missing canteen.

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Marine Corps

Troops ask to live with Mattis after divorce is finalized

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WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today.

Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the cancellation of vacation plans in Syria, the president’s decision to send some of the kids to border school in October, and his well-known Diet Coke drinking problem.

“I love daddy Mattis more than anything in the entire world,” said Army Spc. Nick Kester. “He reads a book to me every night, while Trump isn’t even there at bedtime.”

Although some argue Trump has been “great with the kids” and truly cares about their welfare, a number of sources have come forward to allege the president has abused the troops he supposedly loves on a number of occasions.

Sources say Trump has not once visited them while they were away at The University of Iraq and Afghanistan. Some even believe he has been cheating on their dad with National Security Advisor John Bolton, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, or Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Troops were also angered by his erratic behavior and tendency to teach them far different life lessons than their favored parent.

“Mattis makes us do pushups and wants our family to be more lethal,” said Marine Lt. Philip Allison. “Meanwhile, when I asked Trump whether he’d like to throw the nuclear football around, he said, ‘oh sure, kid, just give me a few minutes,’ and then never came out.”

“Last time I talked with him all he kept telling me was how I was an idiot for paying anything over a 4% tax rate,” Allison added.

The couple heads to family court on Jan. 1, 2019, where a judge is expected to divide their $2.7 trillion in assets and set up a custody arrangement many believe will favor Mattis, who plans to visit with the kids often, teach them about the bullets and the bees, and put them through college on the GI Bill.

“I absolutely plan to bring up his use of community property to buy this stupid border wall that he found on Amazon,” Mattis said.

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