FORT MEADE, Md. — On the heels of Apple’s Tuesday product launch for the iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus, and a new smart watch, drooling NSA officials clamored to convey widespread enthusiasm and support for the company’s “tantalizing” next generation of smart technology, Duffel Blog has learned.
“These devices are just what the doctor ordered to put the spark back in our relationship with the American people,” NSA Director Adm. Mike Rogers told reporters, explaining that while Facebook and Twitter feeds are great and all, he and his analysts have been ready to take things to the next level for quite some time.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Rogers said. “We love hearing about your kids’ soccer tournaments and seeing pictures from your dinners out at Chili’s. I mean, we really LOVE it. But hasn’t there been something missing? When NSA enters into a nonconsensual relationship with an unwitting citizen, no detail should be too small.”
“We want to know how many steps you take,” Rogers continued. “We want to feel your heart beating in your chest. We want to know what makes you sweat — because we care about you. Deeply. And because it helps prevent another 9/11. The Apple Watch makes all of this possible.”
Other new features NSA says it is excited about include upgraded 4G LTE internet and cellular capabilities in the iPhones for a faster and more steady connection to NSA servers, an improved fingerprint sensor for the agency’s biometric database, and a new payments system that would allow intelligence analysts to review a wide variety of financial records “with just a few clicks.”
“I mean, not that we don’t already know that stuff,” Rogers added, laughing uncomfortably. “We totally do. We’re the NSA for Christ’s sake.”
According to a giddy agency spokesperson, Rogers placed a call to Apple CEO Tim Cook immediately following the unveiling to congratulate him and his team on a job well done.
“Apple’s been an outstanding business partner, so it was important to me to toast Mr. Cook on this tremendous milestone,” Rogers said later of the call. “Weirdly, he just kept demanding where I got his number.”
Rogers isn’t the only one at the agency singing Apple’s praises, though. Analyst Dudley Langston, a 12-year employee of NSA, says Apple’s new direction will bring him closer than ever to Kathy Price of Kansas City, Missouri and Dr. Jay Reynolds of Greybull, Wyoming. Analyst Tommy Klug agrees, saying that he hopes new features will help him finally figure out what’s really been happening to Ms. Riley Banks’ flower garden in El Paso, Texas.
While spirits in the signals intelligence community are unmistakably high in the wake of Tuesday’s event, some NSA analysts note that the new products were not without their disappointments.
“Virtually no improvement in battery life in the iPhones,” complained one pimply-faced gnome from Basement Level 4C. “What’s that all about? I’m sick of these things going dead right when we’re getting to the good stuff. Thank God for iCloud, though.”
Even more appalling, another of the agency’s anti-socialites says, is Apple’s failure to include 24/7 monitoring of neural pathways in users. “I was really hoping this generation of products would just do my job for me,” the analyst said.
If there’s one final complaint from NSA staffers, though, it’s that the launch date, September 19th, can’t come soon enough.
“Believe me,” Rogers said. “We’re all as excited as you are.”
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