THE PENTAGON — Multiple sources confirmed there would be temporary cease-fires at conflict zones around the world in what is being dubbed a “humanitarian” move to allow soldiers and rebel groups to get to a computer and view the massive trove of nude celebrity photos that leaked online Sunday.
The cease-fires between Israel and Gaza, Ukraine and Russia, and on the Korean peninsula and elsewhere are being hailed by activists as the first time prayers for world peace have finally been answered. Hopes for long-standing calm were soon dashed however, after ISIS militants resumed their fight against Syrian and Iraqi soldiers when they learned the leaked images had no goats among them.
In the image trove leaked online by the 4chan message board were explicit photographs and video of Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Kate Upton, and others. Hackers hinted that more could circulate online soon, with a listing of not-yet-published photos including Kim Kardashian, Avril Lavigne, and Mary-Kate Olsen.
Meanwhile, every member of the U.S. military had either told their immediate superiors they were “so sick they can’t even leave the barracks,” or had put in leave requests to be taken immediately, the Pentagon announced.
Duffel Blog reached out to Lt. Col. Jeffrey Sinclair, but he was not immediately available for comment.
In a hasty press conference, Pentagon Press Secretary Rear Admiral John Kirby told reporters he would be “spending quality time with his family for a few days,” before quickly packing up his things and making sure his laptop was in good working order.
At press time, a platoon of Marines was standing by in their barracks common area watching old episodes of “Full House” and refreshing 4Chan every five minutes.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.