THE PENTAGON — The women of the Army presented a petition to the Joint Chiefs of Staff on Wednesday, calling for a return to the 1990’s-era greyish-white physical fitness uniform because it is “so revealing,” in the petition’s words.
The petition was signed by all 76,695 women on active status, and demanded an end to “deceptive, obscuring fabrics which hinder quick judgment of junk size.” The petition was received without comment by the Secretary to the General Staff for General Martin Dempsey, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.
A small but vocal rally was held after the presentation, where the organizers gave an informal press conference and handed out awareness stickers in the shape of penises.
“For years,” said Lt. Col. Felicia Arterton, commander of 626th Brigade Support Battalion in the 101st Airborne, and one of the leaders of the group, “we were able to tell at a glance which guys had the big dongs, and which ones were hung like Ken Jeong.”
“And even the ones that curved a weird way, or had a lot of, you know, girth,” she added, raising her eyebrows and giving a thumbs-up.
But now, Arterton maintains, the move to the black PT shorts requires female soldiers to play a guessing game.
“We have no idea what we’re in for nowadays when we accept an invitation,” said Master Sgt. Alexia Castro, an 88X and operations NCO in the S3 section in 2nd Brigade Special Troops Battalion at Fort Bragg.
“It’s terrible,” Castro continued. “I miss the old days. Back then, after the Red Lobster buffet and the boring movie, you knew what would be all up in your guts when you got back to his Tiny Town bachelor pad. But now, you just never know.”
The petition calls for an immediate return to the greyish-white cloth PT uniform, and an abandonment of the black synthetic fabric with reflective ARMY stenciled on the left leg. An even newer PT uniform, announced by the Pentagon last month and scheduled to roll out in Fiscal Year 2015, is similarly unsatisfactory, according to the petition.
“I can’t see a guy’s dick in this [stuff]!” cried Capt. Sarah Huhn, S1 officer in 71st EOD Group at Ft. Carson, as she looked over the new PT uniform on the Army Facebook page. “Hell, it’s even worse than the current ones! I can’t even tell if this guy modeling the new stuff has a nice ass! [Expletive] that noise!”
A visibly-uncomfortable Pentagon spokesman refused to comment on the Joint Chiefs’ reaction to the petition Wednesday afternoon. Undeterred, the organizers vowed to remain encamped in the Pentagon parking lot until they received an answer.