WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military Occupational Specialty is as an Admin Clerk—“not at all like a secretary,” according to Vance—spends virtually all day, every day typing.

Vance’s comments confused several partygoers, who were uncertain whether that meant Vance’s admin clerk duties were of secondary focus and if being a “rifleman first” had any impact on the young Marine’s actual schedule.

“I asked him what his job was and he said the rifleman thing from movies, but he didn’t really elaborate,” said Vance’s classmate Will Shields. “When I asked him what he meant, he said something about ‘lions not being concerned with the opinions of sheep’ and walked off.”

Sources confirm that Vance stood out among at the party thanks to his cargo shorts, tucked in Grunt Style t-shirt, dog tags worn over said shirt, and exceptionally pale skin characteristic of someone who lives his life under industrial fluorescent lighting.

Vance spoke at length about what it’s like to be a “living weapon” and to “know you can kill everyone in the room if you have to.” Since completing Marine basic training and earning his eagle, globe, and anchor, Vance has spent the majority of his time in the service handling admin actions as part of his unit’s S1 administrative division. Such actions include filing paperwork, filling out paperwork, taking calls, and not allowing his fellow Marines to sign out on leave.

Vance’s fellow Marines unit confirm that Vance’s training since leaving Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island has not included any specific courses in tracking enemy combatants across the desert, snapping a man’s neck like it was nothing, or something Vance vaguely referred to Saturday as “insane-o mode.”

Despite the “lean mean killing machine’s” apparent lack of formal training in advanced combatives and tactics, multiple party guests confirmed that Vance responded to a question asking if he had ever killed by saying “Not yet” completely without irony.

He then went on to explain that if he did deploy and if an ISIS fighter assaulted his forward operating base, and if said fighter were to make his way past the FOB’s outer defenses, and if they were to then fight through the other units on base, and if said terrorist were then to enter the Battalion Headquarters, and if they were to then make their way to the S1 shop, he would, “totally end that motherfucker.”

QUANTICO, Va.—Staff Sergeants looking to brush up on—or, honestly, learn—the fundamentals of their profession will have a brand new opportunity with the Marine Corps’ new remedial Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants (CCFSS), starting next month at Marine Corps University.

The course is aimed at Staff Sergeants who, for whatever reason, are unable to function at the minimum level of competency the Marine Corps expects of a Corporal.

CCFSS will feature an intensive ten week program focusing on the basics of leadership, drill, physical fitness, proper appearance, and any of the dozens of other core tasks most Marines learn during their several weeks at Corporals Course and then forget just as quickly.

“Over the last few years we’ve been seeing a growing number of overweight and under-motivated Staff Sergeants coming through our Career Course,” Maj. Gen. William Mullen, head of Training and Education Command, told Duffel Blog.

“These are Marines who‘ve been in for over a decade, yet they can’t make weight, follow simple instructions, or even keep themselves clean-shaven,” Mullen said. “We found we were spending too much of Career Course doing remedial programs for things they honestly should have learned in Recruit Training.’

According to Mullen the Marine Corps originally planned to just send designated Staff Sergeants back through Recruit Training, but several experimental classes never even checked in, and an investigation has still not uncovered where they spent those three months—or how they were all awarded Navy Achievement Medals.

While the Marine Corps has been able to remove substandard non-commissioned officers through time in service limitations, substandard staff non-commissioned officers have historically been allowed to served a full 20 years for retirement purposes.

The result is a large number of Marines categorized as “Lazy, Inefficient, Fat, and Expecting Retirement,” or LIFER.

Although the Marines began two separate programs in 2012 to convinced LIFERs to get out early—Voluntary Separation Pay and Temporary Early Retirement Authority—CCFSS is a recognition that there are still too many LIFERs in the ranks who just won’t get out.

Based on the overwhelmingly favorable response MCU has already been getting from Fleet units, Mullen said not to be surprised if in the coming years the program is expanded to include Corporals Course for Gunnery Sergeants, Corporals Course for Master Sergeants, and Corporals Course for Master Gunnery Sergeants.

See Also: Lance Corporals Course Honor Graduate Receives ‘Honorary NJP’

CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ.

“Martin knows the rules of our hangar. No screen time after 4 p.m., no driving over 45 knots and no firefights. I think any parent would agree I’m being reasonable,” Sirkorsky’s father, Huey, told reporters.

Huey’s wife Lakota looked up from the baby monitor she has in her cockpit with a live feed from a GoPro on Sikorsky’s chest rig.

“If Martin is having problems with the Taliban, all he has to do is give me a CAS 9-line, and I will speak to their mothers to get this sorted out,” Lakota said.

Sikorsky’s parents were going to allow him on the mission until they received word of an enemy RPK team in the northwest corner of the hasty LZ. Normally, they are fine with their son being exposed to medium machine gun fire. Although he is not vaccinated against 7.62, Huey and Lakota rely on a mix of essential oils to keep Sikorsky safe. However, since arriving in Afghanistan, they have been unable to find a Whole Foods that sells coconut and eucalyptus oil.

Sikorsky said he was heartbroken he could not insert with his guys and get in on the TIC. Like most 18-year-olds, he worries about the effects of his protective parents.

“How am I supposed to have a social life without my own CAR?” he said.

WASHINGTON — The next Commandant of the Marine Corps has announced that the first policy he’ll instate when he takes the helm this summer is to bring back the beloved tradition of rolling trouser legs.

“From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, Marines have proudly rolled their pantaloons on many a foreign shore,” said Lt. Gen. David Berger. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, ‘Sir, when will we go back to trousers up?’ Well, Marines, your leadership has listened. It’s high time to show off those calves.”

This isn’t the first time a long-standing Marine tradition has been cancelled, only to be brought back years later. In 2011, then-Commandant Gen. James Amos infamously got rid of rolled sleeves for the entire Corps. Amid complaints from the rank-and-file, he brought them back in 2014.

“Trousers up is clearly what sets us apart visually as Marines,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald Green. “And now there will be no more skipping leg day. Any Marines who have been doing their squats and calf raises will welcome this change, I’m sure.”

Marines will be required to roll their trousers in the spring and summer months and will revert to “trousers down” in the winter.

“I remember during the Gulf War, if the Iraqis saw a flash of trouser cuff and shin they would instantly retreat,” said Berger. “If we’re going to win against near-peer competitors, that’s what we need to get back to.”

TWENTYNINE PALMS, California — When eight year-old Conrad Greeley found out his leukemia was terminal, his family immediately contacted the Make-A-Wish foundation since he always wanted to spend a day living out his childhood dream of joining the Marine Corps.

Luckily, Make-A-Wish came through, and on Tuesday, Conrad met up with 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment’s Easy Company at 0400 outside the armory. The company was drawing weapons to verify serial numbers for the third time that week.

As per his family’s request, the Marines treated Conrad just like any other Junior Enlisted Warrior, with Cpl. Sean Casey assigned as his team leader for the day. He took the boy under his wing immediately, officials said.

“I tried to teach him how to spin up a CASEVAC 9-line but he couldn’t figure it out,” Casey said. “At least his hair is in regs.”

At 0630, the armory gates opened and Marines flooded in. As the smallest and newest boot, Conrad dutifully assumed his place at the back of the line. At 1100, just as he was getting close to the window, the armorers cut for chow.

When they came back at 1300, Conrad was informed they couldn’t issue him a rifle because Gunny hadn’t signed his weapons cards. After standing by aimlessly until 1700 for his team leader to tell him what to do, it was time for Conrad to head home.

Conrad walked away from his short time in the Marine Corps with a new perspective on life.

“Today made me feel a lot better. I used to be sad I would never get to grow up and be a Marine. Now I’d rather just die.”

QUANTICO, Va. — Brig. Gen. Arthur J. Pasagian, commander of Marine Corps Systems Command, announced today that all Joint Tactical Vehicles (JLTVs), the replacement for the Humvee, would be deadlined across the service after field testing revealed a dangerous defect with their cassette decks.

This decision comes after reports that cassette tape decks in new JLTVs were spontaneously combusting after three or four uses.

Oshkosh Defense, who holds the contract to make JLTVs, released a statement claiming that they “are not liable for this issue.”

“We wanted to equip the JLTV with an aux cord and Bluetooth technology, but the geniuses at DOD Acquisitions insisted we go with a tape deck because ‘that’s how the kids like to listen these days,’” the statement reads.

Lance Cpl. Conrad Gardner of 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines was injured in an incident with a JLTV’s tape deck.

“My driver and I were listening to some Raffi, because those are the only cassettes I own,” he drawled. “Then, out of nowhere, that cassette player just exploded in our faces. These vehicles are dangerous. I’d be safer flying in an Osprey.”

The effects of downing so many JLTVs at once are being felt far beyond the motor pool and the decision makers in Quantico. Marines arriving at the 7th Regiment Command Post in Twentynine Palms today encountered a Jonestown-like scene. Dozens of staff officers were sprawled dead on the ground, unable to cope with the atrocious vehicle readiness numbers.

The JLTV program cost $23 billion, with a per unit sticker price of nearly $450,000.

The Marine Corps published a strategic document today that predicts future alcohol-related incidents will be caused primarily by near-peer pressure.

“We need to think beyond the small-scale drinking incidents of the past 20 years of counterinsurgency and start looking at major intoxicating threats,” reads a forward from Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “In the future, near-peer adversaries like Russia and China will pressure us to enter into high intensity, testosterone-fueled benders. If we’re not prepared, they may even drink us under the table.”

The document claims that high tech weapons and advanced sensors on the battlefield will mean that Marines have to disperse into several smaller barracks parties if they want to get plastered. Small units seeking to close with and destroy the local nightlife will have to rethink their tactics.

“We’ve gotten too used to robust logistical support providing us all the booze we need whenever we want to tie one on,” Neller continues. “But Chinese anti-access/area denial systems will increasingly be checking IDs at the door and may prevent Marines from having easy access to local pubs. Very soon, we may have to conduct forcible entry operations through the side door of the bar just to get a drink.”

In testing, the Corps has had some success in reducing DUIs through the use of unmanned ground vehicles. However, unmanned systems also pose some risk.

“In the Marine Corps,” added Neller, “even the unmanned vehicles get drunk.”

QUANTICO, Va. — Headquarters Marine Corps will add wait training to the physical fitness test to reflect increased demands on the time of today’s Marines, sources confirmed today.

The test itself will feature a four-hour wait check, and the preparatory program will incorporate lengthy waits in multiple settings.

“We’ve found that Marines spend a significant portion of their day — in garrison, in the field, and on deployment — waiting around for something, and some of them are just not prepared,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “No hip-pocket classes ready to brief, nothing from my professional reading list and no PME homework. Hell, not even any hydration, tobacco or sunflower seeds.”

The revised training program will require Marines to wait in a classroom for 55 minutes before the instructor shows up. At the close of the classroom portion of the wait training, Marines will divide into groups and proceed to the base clinic, armory, consolidated issue facility and range. There they will participate in round-robin training consisting of sitting, kneeling or standing at each location for 75 minutes before a role player turns them away for lack of ID or appropriate attire. They will finish the training day by waiting on the word for 84 minutes.

As with any change the Corps has introduced in its storied history, there have been vocal objections from those who consider themselves “Old Corps.”

“Those millennials need training for everything. Real Marines already know how to wait. I’ve been waiting for my check-in sheet to be signed since ’89. Chesty would roll over in his …” said Master Gunnery Sgt. Jedediah Smith, before choking on the baseball-sized dip in his mouth.

Some have questioned the feasibility of incorporating so much extra training into the annual training requirements of a force that is continually preparing for war in Afghanistan, North Korea, China and Texas. However, the concerns have largely fallen on the deaf ears of leaders waiting around at DEERS.