THE PENTAGON — Nearly all of the shambling troops that you passed on the run route this morning are lazy malingerers nursing expired profiles, a Defense Department study revealed Monday.
The study, commissioned jointly by the Navy, Army and Marine Corps (the Air Force abstained), polled 10,000 service members on over 40 different bases and discovered that all those suspicions that you had about those fat, shameless wastes of taxpayer dollars are absolutely correct.
“The results were not terribly surprising,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Robert Jackson. “All those skinny, white-trash females with neck tattoos that are always walking and chatting and swinging their stupid plastic canteens around like they’re going to be dehydrated or something. Yep, that’s right. You go, ladies. Milk that notional ankle sprain for all its worth.”
The report has found that practically all of the rotund males accompanying them are equally worthless. Out of the walkers surveyed, 96% were classified as “goldbricking sloths.” It is estimated that these soldiers cost the armed forces more than $3 million each year in wasted oxygen alone.
Upon hearing the results, line units reacted with apathy. “We already figured that they were all dirtbags in the first place,” Capt. Carlos Lopez related. “That’s why we always give them dirty looks and carefully spit on the ground right in front of their pristine Nikes while we’re running.”
“I fart as I’m passing them,” announced Pvt. Tim Carson proudly.
At press time, Sgt. Maj. of the Army Raymond Chandler was considering a blanket ban on running, as it looks unprofessional and makes everyone else who can’t feel bad.