VICENZA, Italy — American troops continue to be quarantined after returning from missions to aid the Ebola crisis in Liberia and will be charged a day of leave for each day of “controlled monitoring,” Army officials confirmed Monday.
The move is in response to troops lounging around their barracks not doing anything but taking their own temperature, exercising basic sanitation protocols, and washing cigarette butts through chlorine washes.
According to the commander of U.S. Army forces in Africa, Maj. Gen. Darryl Williams, quarantined troops have had good morale with internet access and phones, Williams told reporters, a situation that simply wasn’t an acceptable climate for soldiers to be monitored in.
“In order to reinforce traditional Army values we retroactively began to charge soldiers leave days while they are being monitored,” said Williams. “The Sergeant Major nearly had an aneurism when he found out they were sitting around all day not doing anything. They can’t just be having fun like it’s some kind of frat house hosting Halo tournaments, and daily pizza parties. We had to react appropriately.”
Reaction to the news has plummeted morale back to an acceptably low level, sources confirmed.
“I should have known it was too good to last,” said Spc. Shane Crooks. “I stayed awake for six straight days playing World of Warcraft like a boss. At least I was able to level up my Worgen Death Knight before they pulled the plug on my joy.”
“So wait, civilian nurses who actually put their hands on Ebola patients get to go home,” said Sgt. Alex Bronson. “In the meantime I enjoy having my temperature checked rectally twice a day despite the fact I was nowhere near infected areas. Go Army.”
Army leaders are perplexed their troops are not more positive about their generous 21-day quarantine leave block.
“Good soldiers would see this as an opportunity,” said Williams. “They should be using this time to get caught up on annual training briefs, computer based training requirements as well as field sanitation and graves registration.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.