KABUL — In the spirit of good order and discipline, 1st Sgt. Roger Bottom of Bravo Company, 2-502nd Infantry, invoked his right of jus primae noctis on Christmas care packages this past week.
“If this is what it is going to take to keep soldiers from wearing faddish eye wear or ‘drive-on’ rags, then so be it. I accept this burden and will discharge it to the highest standards set forth by my liege—er, command authority, President Barack Obama,” said Bottom while rapidly opening and closing a new Benchmade Stryker Autoknife. “Can I offer you a Christmas cookie? I have about 30 tins of them.”
Originally decreed by President Obama in a signed Executive Order, the initiative cites an obscure passage of section 103(a), Article 134 of the UCMJ as “basically the 21st century equivalent” of a medieval tradition. Speaking to reporters, Bottom said he is merely exercising his “vassal right” of seizing care packages to prevent soldiers from disposing of any contraband before they can be prosecuted to the full extent of the UCMJ.
While the chain of command applauds his selfless actions, others say he is abusing his privilege as the senior enlisted soldier in the company. Spc. David Martinez, a soldier in “Bottom’s fiefdom,” told Duffel Blog that his new Playstation 4 and accompanying copy of “Grand Theft Auto V” were deflowered by Bottom before he was able to play it himself.
“My girlfriend sent me that as a Christmas gift, along with several, extremely personal pictures that were also confiscated and defiled [allegedly]. He played all of the levels, unlocked all of the characters, and banged all of the virtual prostitutes. If that wasn’t bad enough, when I got my PS4 back all 500 Gb of memory were used for ‘The Jefferson’s’ themed parody porn.”
Bottom refutes the abuse claims vehemently, claiming he is just “following the law of the land.”
“Look, not everyone agrees with this practice, but these chivalric acts are put in place for a reason,” said Bottom, while four Xbox One Kinects read his heart rate and blood flow simultaneously.
“I have certain inalienable privileges granted to me under the UCMJ. If you want to leave a legacy, one of purity and grace, then you must be willing to make the hard decisions for the greater good. Now if you could watch your step around the 13 complete ‘Band of Brothers’ DVD sets on your way out, I have an appointment to speak with the commander about Martinez’s Article 15 for possession of sexually explicit material.”