WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of the Army has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) after failing to find a mission it both likes and will stick with, doctors confirmed Tuesday.
After years of retooling because “counterinsurgency is all that matters,” the Army abruptly launched a recent plan for a “Pacific pivot,” much to the annoyance of the Department of the Navy.
“It’s like he just saw how shiny and nice Thailand is and wanted to send troops there to get in trouble for murdering transexuals. Doesn’t he already have enough soldiers in South Korea getting drunk and being arrested?” said the Department of the Navy.
Failing to get enough attention from the general U.S. populace and his weird Uncle Sam that may or may not have touched his budget in the closet, the Army decided to put more troops in Europe to prepare for a major land war that will “totally happen one day,” according to the Army.
“Yeah, like Asia right? Nah, EUROPE! Yeah, I know we had to pull out a few brigades and send them back to the US, which is why it’s a perfect time to send MOARRRR TROOPS TO EUROPE! GO! POLAND! LITHUANIA! ESTONIA! Fulda Gap, baby! Woooo!” wrote the Army in a recent email to the White House.
Sources indicate Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has privately told aides “the Army is already bored with Europe again and wants to make homeland coastal defense its mission,” as it was over 100 years ago.
Doctors at Walter Reed tell Duffel Blog that the Army’s ADHD is so bad that it can’t even be bothered to acknowledge the Coast Guard, whose existence is entirely based on coastal defense and volleyball matches.
Anonymous sources in the Secretary of Defense’s office have hinted that the Army may have already lost its motivation for coastal defense and has begun talking about returning to Iraq to fight another counterinsurgency mission, which is “the most important mission ever,” according to the Army.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.