WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has extended the definition of service member dependents to include non-family, even the good-for-nothing boyfriend your wife keeps at home while you are on deployment, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Bobby Joe’s a sweetheart, but he ain’t cheap, and he don’t have no income of his own,” said your wife in a recent statement to your neighbor. “He’s long since been dependin’ on us, so it just seems right that he’s our actual dependent now.”
The benefits of his dependency status include a tax credit and monthly stipend for you, and a DoD ID card for Bobby Joe.
“I love me some cheap Jim Beam I get on post,” Bobby Joe reportedly said, in a deposition to his parole officer. “I just wish I could get me one of them meal cards, too,” he followed, because he’s a worthless parasite, unlike Asha, your sweet-ass deployment girlfriend downrange.
Asha is a totally self-sufficient overseas linguist, and last week she even paid for your Green Beans coffee on the boardwalk.
The Pentagon has stressed that the move is a proactive effort to modernize after being way behind the social curve on gender equality, racial discrimination, and sexual orientation rights. “By legitimizing extra-marital affairs and helping service members provide for their couch-surfing buddies, we think we might finally be doing something right,” a Pentagon spokesman said in a statement to Duffel Blog.
Your wife seemed to agree, based on a hastily-written note beneath the shitty candy in your last care package. “We all come out for the better,” said the woman you felt forced to marry because she had your child. “You’re makin’ more money, Bobby Joe gots a place to stay, and I get to make you both happy.”