FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — A soldier was swarmed by gold-digging women wanting a piece of his lavish pay earlier today, sources confirmed.
“It was crazy,” said Pvt. Darren Wright. “I tried to sneak off but a woman saw me and started screaming ‘Money! Take care of my kids!’ I tried to run but they were too fast.”
Sources confirmed the moment Wright stepped off base he was surrounded by gorgeous women in a manner similar to a feeding frenzy. Fortunately, Wright was able to remember the warnings his first sergeant gave him and recognized what was happening.
“He told us there were tons of women who were going to use me to get a cut of my benefits. Most of them were planning on spermjacking me for child support. A bunch of them had to be terrorists looking for information. I knew exactly what was going on and was able to see through their tricks. I’m not stupid.”
Wright was lucky to escape with his life, according to one senior defense official. As at least one PowerPoint presentation for annual STD awareness indicated, several of the women had deadly cases of syphilis.
“These types of attacks are pretty common,” said Sgt. Dave Marshall of the Ft. Bragg Base Police. “Many soldiers let their guard down and end up married, poor bastards. A few years later their wives spring the trap and take everything in the divorce. Women are the devil.”
In an unrelated story, generals at the Pentagon were hosting a meeting to understand why some consider military culture sexist.