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State Department Awards Immigration Visas To 1,000 Dead Interpreters

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KABUL, Afghanistan — The diplomatic mission in Kabul is set to announce the issuance of Special Immigrant Visas to 1,000 Afghan interpreters who were recently murdered by the Taliban, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We’ve accumulated over 12,000 applications over the years and have been taking a lot of heat to get them processed,” Ambassador James B. Cunningham told reporters. “Turns out the easiest ones to issue are for the folks who the Taliban already found in their homes and executed.”

State Department officials in the region — cloistered away in fortified compounds where they can shuffle their papers in safety — have long been accused of gross mismanagement of the Special Immigrant Visa Program. In 2011, a total of three visas were issued to Afghan interpreters. While the numbers have increased modestly since then, progress is still slow for the thousands of translators who have not yet been kidnapped while drinking tea at a local cafe, been decapitated while being filmed for propaganda purposes, been thrown off a bridge after being burned alive, or simply murdered by family members for their association with the infidels.

“It is an incredible honor to finally be welcomed into the country I served for all those years,” Panra Kakar, an interpreter who waited over four years for his visa, probably would have said if he were still alive. “I can’t wait to see all my friends again,” he had been fond of saying.

“I mean, yeah, it would have been nice if Kakar could have made it here in one piece,” Allen Berger, a soldier who was dragged to safety by the brave interpreter during a firefight in Helmand Province, told Duffel Blog. “But I guess this is the best that Congress and the State Department could do when they promised to get our friends out of harm’s way. It’s really the thought that counts.”

“We were getting really tired of individually blacklisting the ‘terps for misspelling transliterated place names on their background packets,” said Rebecca Ryan, a Consular Official in Kabul. “By streamlining the issuance process to dead ones, we’re able to put up huge numbers and really get the soldiers and Marines back home to back up off our nuts.”

The Embassy in Kabul hopes to continue issuing large numbers of visas to the horrifically desecrated bodies of interpreters and their families. “Once the last coalition troops have left the country, I’m hoping we’ll finish every last application within a couple of months,” Ryan added enthusiastically.

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Troops in Afghanistan heartbroken after Speaker Pelosi’s visit cancelled

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BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.

President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president cancel or delay his State of the Union address, citing security concerns. The bus filled with congressman was stopped at the way to Joint Base Andrews where military aircraft were prepared to carry the representatives to Afghanistan.

“It’s terrible,” Staff Sgt. Paul Morin said. “They were going to cancel the vehicle inspection so we could all go shake her hand for six seconds, but then we had to clean all the vehicles three times.”

“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.”

Some service members seemed confused as to who the current House speaker actually is.

“Pelosi? Of course I’m upset she didn’t come,” Sgt. Frank Lauer said. “She’s the hot Puerto-Rican one right?”

“They were going to get an exhaustive, in depth tour of Afghanistan too,” Capt. Christopher Yu said of the oncoming delegation. “The air field, the chow hall, the hangar where we keep the drones we still have control over, the briefing room, the other chow hall. They were going to get to talk to soldiers and airmen who aren’t allowed to leave the wire and the seven Afghans who still have the clearance to come in here. I don’t know how they’re going to be able to make any decisions about a country we have been in for seventeen years without that experience.”

The outrage over the canceled trip extended to the top of the chain of command.

“I’ll be honest,” the commander of Operation Resolute Support, Army Gen. Austin S. Miller, said. “I am upset. I was looking forward to giving all those congressmen my assessment of the situation and my guidance moving forward but now I suppose I’ll have to do a video conference … or send it in an e-mail.”

Congressional delegation fact-finding missions to wartime theaters have a long tradition of effectiveness. The trajectory of the Vietnam War was changed in 1965 when Gov. George Romney was brainwashed by the Phoenix Program, and in 2006, the Iraq Study Group certified the country as a stable democracy after a layover at Al Asad Air Base.

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Miscellaneous

Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same

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Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial

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WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

  • All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
  • Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
  • Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
  • Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
  • Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

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Supreme Court torches appeal in giant, toxic burn pit on front steps

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Supreme Court building provided by Supreme Court.gov
Site of the Federal government's latest toxic burn pit. (Source: U.S. Supreme Court)

Washington — In a stern rebuke to 60 veterans’ lawsuits, all eight fuctioning Supreme Court justices dismissed “burn pit” appeals by torching them in a massive blaze on the front steps of the court’s building Monday.

The military used burn pits, located in Afghanistan and Iraq, to destroy waste, including batteries, tires and millions of collection agency letters, as well as evidence of extra-marital affairs and bribe-taking from Fat Leonard. The burn pits have been linked to illnesses in thousands of veterans.

The eight justices lit a humongous inferno at the steps of the high court that cremated the concerns of thousands of veterans suffering from cancer, tumors and asthma. 

While liberal-leaning justices set the conflagration with fast-burning JP4 jet fuel, conservatives preferred to dump drums of old-school kerosene. A resulting “firenado” was seen for miles across Washington, prompting hundreds of 911 calls to the Taxation Without Representation Police Department.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg did not participate. Law clerks reportedly whisked her away before Justices Thomas and Gorsuch added her to the fire.

“This isn’t a funeral pyre despite what Faux News wants you to think,”a Ginsburg law clerk told reporters. “She’s not even technically dead, just mentally, and that’s not the same thing.” The clerk then clarified that Ginsburg is being pickled by wine, not embalming fluid.

As hazardous fumes wafted across the District, Toxins overwhelmed both unfurloughed Department of Homeland Security employees still manning its 24/7 National Operations Center as hazardous fumes wafted across the area. The two reportedly became overwhelmed by toxins (or by having to work for no pay). They left the center to seek medical treatment and to beg food from homeless people they used to ignore.

In addition to relieving the nation of noxious burn pit lawsuits, the Court also charred pending cases deemed supremely tiring to the public. The cases included yet another gun rights fight, another suit targeting cake-bakers case, and a decade-old argument that Lady Gaga is untalented no matter how much money she makes.

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Woman who sent 65,000 text messages after one date tapped for recruiting duty

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PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters, sources with U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) confirmed today.

Jacqueline Ades achieved widespread notoriety after bombarding one man’s phone with 65,000 text messages after a single date.

“Ms. Ades demonstrated the unwavering tenacity that we expect of our recruiters,” said Maj. Huey Thomas, a spokesman for USAREC. “Her knack for establishing contact at the most inconvenient times, along with her impressive inability to read social cues and never take ‘no’ for an answer are exactly what the Army needs as we plow blindly into our eighteenth year of sustained warfare.”

Despite having never attended Army basic training, Ades feels that recruiting duty is her calling.

“Once I see something I want, I don’t ever give up,” she smiled unblinkingly. “Ever.”

Ades has already exceeded Army recruitment quotas for Maricopa County by 400 percent since becoming a recruiter last week, though her prospects have been exclusively male.

“I signed up for college and trade skills and stuff, but mostly because [Ades] scares the shit out of me,” said Toby Webster, 19, from Chandler.

At press time, Ades was seen laying in front of a bus full of recruits attempting to depart for boot camp.

Don’t ever leave me! I’ll kill you!” she cried.

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Air Force

ISIS unfollows STRATCOM on Twitter after offensive New Year’s tweet

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Offutt Air Force Base, Neb. – The terrorist group ISIS has “unfollowed” the U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter after suffering mental anguish by recent STRATCOM messaging, possibly taking information warfare to a new direction, sources confirm today.

The ISIS move is a reaction to a Dec. 31, 2018, STRATCOM tweet that stated as the famed ball dropped on Times Square, the Command remained ready to “drop something much, much bigger.” A video of a B-2 aircraft dropping bombs accompanied the tweet. STRATCOM deleted it after complaints about its aggressive message.

ISIS released the statement criticizing the video.

“In the name of Allah, the most merciful, we will no longer follow the criminal crusader U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter,” the statement reads. “The images STRATCOM tweeted on New Year’s Eve, threatening to drop bombs on our brethren, was hurtful and frightening. Several of our brothers who viewed it have already scheduled emergency sessions with their therapists. The tweet also disturbed our enjoyment of the Ryan Seacrest New Year’s Times Square special.”

STRATCOM questioned ISIS’ response in a press conference.

“Our information warfare team is examining the ISIS announcement for any hidden messages to followers.” public affairs officer Capt. Pamela Vasquez said. “We’re also analyzing the possibility that ISIS is acting like a big international wuss.”

“We constantly tweet splashy pictures of B-1s, B-2s, B-52s, ICBMs, aircraft of all types, heavily armed Airmen, and nuclear submarines –  basically an endless advertisement of our ability to deliver nuclear annihilation at any place of our time and choosing,” Vasquez added. “If those tweets didn’t scare anyone, we weren’t doing our job. So we’re not sure why ISIS or anybody else is butthurt over our one measly New Year’s message.”

“What do people think our bombers do?” Vasquez questioned.“Despite the press stories last year, military aircraft are know for killing people, not just drawing contrail dicks in the sky.”

The STRATCOM Twitter home page indicates that the command still has over 98,000 followers despite the ISIS departure.

“We hope ISIS re-follows us soon, because we’re planning some great imaging for President’s Day depicting George Washington and Abraham Lincoln turning the launch keys on an ICBM that people should really enjoy,”  Vasquez said.

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Miscellaneous

Payday lenders still kicking ass since shutdown doesn’t affect military

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Columbus, Ga. — Tensions are high throughout the government with the current shutdown, but payday lenders outside the gates of military installations across the country are doing absolutely fabulous, sources confirmed today.
As more and more service members are brought home from the current conflicts, they find themselves wanting to buy $1,349 worth of alcohol in a single night. There is really only one way for a soldier to get their hands on that kind of money semi-legally, and outlets with exorbitant interest rates are only more than willing to help.
“Phew! We were sorta worried about it all back there,” said Paul Sunders, a payday lender that prefers to be called Eagle, outside of Fort Benning, Georgia. “If those kids stop getting paid, it becomes a real mess for us.”
Eagle is the embodiment of the American dream. He wears an oversized American flag suit with matching tie and tennis shoes. His eyeglasses automatically faded into sunglasses when Duffel Blog correspondents met him outside his establishment.
Eagle comes from a long line of payday lenders, dating back to the Civil War when payday lenders were basically the same as they are today — camping outside of the sites soldiers stayed and moving from camp to camp promising the soldiers money immediately along with sips of Moutain Dew.
“Many granddaddies ago, we used to only break thumbs when a loan wasn’t paid. I’d like to think we’re a lot more polite these days. We thank every soldier for their service before we wreck the sh*t out of their credit scores,” Eagle said. “We also started a punchcard program so you get that tenth loan at a real good 20 percent.”
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Coast Guard

Coast Guard tells families to “sell your organs, start hooking” to help cope with government shutdown

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WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard published a list of recommended actions today that its service members and their families can take to cope with the continuing government shutdown, including selling their bodily organs and taking part in extramarital prostitution.

The guidance is a 7-step checklist given to the thousands of families and federal employees who will not be receiving a paycheck due to the furlough.

With no end in sight, the Coast Guard has recommended the following actions and tips, assuring those affected that “you may have to temporarily make changes in the way you handle your finances, but by following these steps, you’ll be more likely to get quickly back on track when the furlough period is over.”

Understand the Details – Find out the Specifics of Your Furlough

Chances are that if you are being furloughed, it is for a completely invalid reason and the result of someone’s personal agenda. Keeping that mindset, this is a perfect opportunity for you to ask your command for answers, but know that you will likely not get a reasonable response. We encourage you to reach out to your Administrative Officer for additional information, even though they’re also on furlough and probably unable to answer your question

Crunch the Numbers

Assess your financial situation so that you can make good decisions during these trying times. Getting organized is key because only God and James Mattis know when you’ll actually be getting paid again.

Get Lean

Evaluate your spending. Do you really NEED food and water? That PT test next quarter will be here before you know it, and you could probably stand to lose a few. What better thing to motivate you to get fiscally responsible than incomprehensible government furloughs with no end in sight?

Consider your needs. History shows that a lot of people actually went their entire lives without electricity before Ben Franklin. Why not pay tribute to our founding fathers? Save some bucks and unplug/unhook everything in your house. Make it a fun game for the kids!

Supplement Your Income

Finding alternative methods of income is a wise decision during government furloughs. Have you considered selling your non-vital organs? Nobody ACTUALLY needs both kidneys. Why not make easy money and save someone’s life?

Another great idea is to have your spouse frequent street corners and questionable hotels, conveniently located just off any military post worldwide. The Coast Guard is full of families, and its time each member start pulling their own weight. Studies have shown that prostitution is a great way to make extra bucks, and much like driving for Uber or Lyft, you get to pick the hours you work!

When low on cash, just remember – “Sell Your Organs, Start Hooking.”

Avoid the Credit Trap

Don’t be afraid to talk with your creditors. Somebody has got to be the one to tell them why your mortgage payments and credit card bills won’t be paid this month, and it’s definitely not going to come from us or the federal government.

Your credit score will undoubtedly take a hit during this period of no-pay, but if you prepare enough, it will be less depressing a year from now.

Don’t Go At it Alone

One team, one fight. You are not alone in this time of potentially crippling debt and depression, there are many other families and federal contractors out there screaming themselves hoarse with rage over this nonsensical furlough. Find others to vent your frustration with. Because in the hardest of times, it is important for us to stick together despite your employer completely abandoning you.

Coast Guard officials could not be reached for immediate comment.

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