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美国和中国同意的友好仇恨

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obama china

(English)

RANCHO MIRAGE(兰桥米拉市), CA (加州)—— 在中美周五的双边对话之后,巴拉克·奥巴马和习近平发布了联合声明,声明中阐述了一系列的原则,包括:两国完全不赞同对方对基本上所有问题的处理方式;双方除了经济上的纠结不断以外,没有共同利益;双方将继续在所有较量中动用任何手段来破坏对方。

然而,声明中双方领导人说到两国的殊死较量并不会影响彼此的根本友好关系,中美在相互摧毁对方的同时也享受着这份友谊。从稍后的新闻发布会上获悉,双方在朝鲜问题上达成突破性共识。

“我催促他(习近平)解决中国的后盾——朝鲜(问题)”,奥巴马说,“中美双方都感到头疼沮丧。最后,习近平说到:别再让我做你明明就知道我做不到的事情了。你知道现在的情况,我们支持朝鲜仅仅是因为我们是不得不呆在一起的邻居……我们讨厌这帮蠢蛋,他们也不喜欢我们。这种关系跟中美两国之间的关系正好相反……”

“我问他(习)什么意思,他(习)说:虽然中国是美国现在的直接对手,中国希望看到美国在将来崩溃,但是中国对美国还是有感情的,是尊重的”,奥巴马又加了一句。

“中美双方在朝鲜问题上有了突破性的共识,但是我想说美国对中国也是同样的看法。中美就跟斯密斯和琼斯一样,两个貌似友好的邻居,友好地竞争着直到有一方死翘翘,去对方坟上大哭一场,边哭边在对方坟头撒尿。”

“当中国看美国的时候,我们惊奇地发现中美两国人民竟是如此相似!”习近平说,“大方,乐观,努力工作,排外,嫉妒,自大。 在对比两国的土豪时,我有时候就在想如果你是中国人就好了。”

根据中美双方达成的协议,中国将继续黑客攻击美国的商业和政府机构,但是美国将会通过收集腐败证据,开始针对中国官员的个人电脑做一系列类似的黑客攻击,然后把这些证据公之于众。两国达成默契,在类似黑客活动被发现之时,双方都拒绝承认,以免造成对两者之间友谊产生负面影响的尴尬局面。

在涉及盗取高级军事设计方案方面,奥巴马说鉴于为了发展双方外交,他将会继续睁一只眼闭一只眼。

“坦白来讲”奥巴马说,“他们计划造F-35战机和两栖登陆舰。中国发展这些武器对他们自己的伤害将会比在战场上对我们造成的伤害更大。”

在黑客问题上,两国随后达成了一系列惊人的附加协议,跟在经济、气候变化和安全问题上的协议一样。

“我们达成一致共识,中国将继续购买美国国债,从而人为降低汇率以促进贸易发展,”习近平说,“我们再也不会假装在不损害自己经济利益的基础上而达到军事目的,来吓唬我们的美国朋友。”

“就我方而言,我们将继续纵容你们人为操纵货币的行为,”奥巴马说,“我们不会再想方设法要挟你们遵守气候变化倡议。相反,我们会继续卖煤给你们来加重你们的癌症疫情,然后我们会继续把你们的进口情况提交给消费者透明保护组织,并且把这些惊人的结果通过网络公布传播给你们的人民。”

“双方达成一致,美国将继续在中国的周边捣乱,包括支持台湾,”习说。“我们希望你们的军队在日本、澳大利亚和越南的性侵行为不会有麻烦。我们在等待美国经过海外基地烧光他们在海外的探险经费而与盟国分崩离析的同时,会推迟我们在南亚赤裸裸地称霸。在此期间,我们将会把我们的重心放在处理与西方的关系上。”

“我仅代表美国人民,祝你们好运!希望维吾尔族和回族的穆斯林们能交到更多的新朋友,”奥巴马阴笑着说到。

在被问及更多关于这次宣言会给军事和情报合作的细节时,双方都保证将会有更好的合作。

“我们之前谈过,而且我们未来将会有更多的军事合作训练。我们都谋求稳定,所以我们将会从这些潜在的不稳定和激烈的党派斗争中吸取教训,”奥巴马说。

“合作演习是一个简单的方案,”习近平说。“高级军官们喜欢得到荣誉和奖章来彰显他们的地位,合作演习正好能在不把他们送上战场的情况下奖励他们。同时,合作演习也能使我们的情报机构学到更多的东西和盗取命感数据。”

“更不用说揭露在美国自由明主下的中国情报人员,让他们思考怎么背叛他们的老板,然后当中国最终崩溃的时候跳槽到加拿大或者澳大利亚。”奥巴马添了一嘴。

双方握手之后离开,开始玩儿新一轮的高尔夫球游戏,参加随后的烤猪晚宴,如故人般把酒言欢。

Miscellaneous

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

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CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

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Miscellaneous

Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same

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Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Payday lenders still kicking ass since shutdown doesn’t affect military

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Columbus, Ga. — Tensions are high throughout the government with the current shutdown, but payday lenders outside the gates of military installations across the country are doing absolutely fabulous, sources confirmed today.
As more and more service members are brought home from the current conflicts, they find themselves wanting to buy $1,349 worth of alcohol in a single night. There is really only one way for a soldier to get their hands on that kind of money semi-legally, and outlets with exorbitant interest rates are only more than willing to help.
“Phew! We were sorta worried about it all back there,” said Paul Sunders, a payday lender that prefers to be called Eagle, outside of Fort Benning, Georgia. “If those kids stop getting paid, it becomes a real mess for us.”
Eagle is the embodiment of the American dream. He wears an oversized American flag suit with matching tie and tennis shoes. His eyeglasses automatically faded into sunglasses when Duffel Blog correspondents met him outside his establishment.
Eagle comes from a long line of payday lenders, dating back to the Civil War when payday lenders were basically the same as they are today — camping outside of the sites soldiers stayed and moving from camp to camp promising the soldiers money immediately along with sips of Moutain Dew.
“Many granddaddies ago, we used to only break thumbs when a loan wasn’t paid. I’d like to think we’re a lot more polite these days. We thank every soldier for their service before we wreck the sh*t out of their credit scores,” Eagle said. “We also started a punchcard program so you get that tenth loan at a real good 20 percent.”
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Miscellaneous

Space Force reservists already volunteering for temporary duty on moon to escape wives

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WASHINGTON — Thousands of male reservists have submitted temporary duty (TDY) request packets to the Space Force for assignment on the moon in an attempt to avoid their wives, sources confirmed today.

The rush of TDY requests have skyrocketed since March 2018 when President Donald Trump announced the creation of the nation’s newest military branch.

Offering numerous opportunities for deployment, Space Force office phones started ringing off the hook immediately, inundating the service with requests from men anxious for temporary relief from the excruciating pain of being married.

“I’m excited at the prospect of joining the nation’s first members of Space Force to get assigned to the moon,” said Lt. Bradley Esteban. “I know the conditions and temperatures are extreme, and I could easily be killed. But that’s nothing compared to living with my dreadful, high-maintenance, controlling wife of 6 years. I’m ready to roll. Let’s go!”

The dangerous, life-threatening assignment on the moon will be filled with unimaginable risks, ranging from equipment failure to running out of oxygen. But that isn’t stopping patriotic service members from volunteering in droves.

“I don’t even care about hazardous duty pay, or even healthcare benefits – they can keep all of it,” said Staff Sgt. Carlos Munoz, who has been married for over 10 years. “Just get me the hell out of here. She won’t quit riding my ass about playing video games and cleaning the house.”

Military wives are reportedly objecting to the notion of the TDY requests, citing the need for the trash to be taken out, the lawn to be mowed, and the car to be repaired.

One female military spouse, who only agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, sees the astro-TDY requests as pathetic.

“My husband and all his little Space Force cronies are a bunch of wannabes who need to get their shit together. They need to man the ‘f’ up and tend to their responsibilities instead of running off to play butt-buddy in space,” she said while preparing to call her husband’s CO to demand he deny her husband’s TDY request.

Service members have submitted their TDY requests prematurely because there are not really any Space Force operations now, according to military sources.

Meanwhile, senior military officials also noted that orders to the moon are also unlikely to be issued for the next few decades. Reservists were upset to learn they are stuck on earth and must endure the challenges of dealing with a whiny spouse with little hope for the future.

“Is there anywhere else in the solar system I can get orders to?” asked Sgt. Willy Breckenridge. “What about North Dakota? I’ll go there, even. I need a break. God damn, I need a break.”

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Miscellaneous

Syria totally pregnant after late US pull out

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ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today.

Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw military forces from Syria on a timeline being developed. Critics claim the withdrawal jeopardizes the Syrian Democratic Forces, which receive American military weapons and support.

“What bullshit. Since 2013, the U.S. was all like, ‘I really care about you,’ and ‘don’t worry I’ll be careful,’” Syria told reporters. “How was I supposed to know the U.S. would only stay in long enough to spawn a bunch of freedom fighters but pull out as soon as it got some international booty call offer from my thotty neighbor, Turkey?”

“Turkey acts like the queen bee around here because she thinks our father, the Ottoman Empire, loved her best like, 100 years ago,” Syria added. “Now thanks to her cozying up to America I’ll be left with a lot of children who are pissed off and heavily armed. And their deadbeat daddy’s initials are U.S.A.”

Foreign interventions require clear national goals, operations crafted to achieve defined objectives, and strategic considerations, according to foreign policy experts. Asked how many of these elements the US intervention in Syria included, Dr. Owen Killian at the Brookings Institution responded, “Pretty much none of them. The U.S. appears to have entered Syria with little planning about how long to stay, how to end the affair, or the impact of fucking around in the Middle East.”

“This basically shows all the forethought and follow through of a drunken frat boy,” Killian continued. “You can’t stop the biology of intervention. Disgorging forces into a country without protection almost always results in a lot of angry offspring, especially if Marines are involved.”

Syria said she regrets the affair.

“I should have seen this coming,” Syria said. “America pulled the same shit in 1984 when it withdrew from Lebanon, and that left the world with that psycho brat named Hezbollah.”

Although a contingent of French forces will remain in Syria, the American pullout raises the potential for competing powers to fill a regional power vacuum.

“Who’s going to help me raise these kids?” Syria asked. “That nut case ISIS will steal them in a Damascus minute if I turn my back. Russia and Iran are lurking around, but they’re creepy and crazy. China is always willing to send money, but that comes with a lot of strings. Only France seems to be really committed to sticking around.”

“Are you kidding me? France?” Syria added with a sigh. “Great. My kids are going to grow up to be fucking mimes.”

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Duffel Blog Presents

Duffel Blog Presents: Holiday gift ideas for your favorite vetbro

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You honored the hell out of your military friends and family for Veterans Day. And the Marine Corps birthday. And the Fourth of July. And Memorial Day. And Labor Day for some reason. But now what do you get the ultimate veteran for Christmas? Don’t sweat it. Duffel Blog’s got you.

Our editors curated the perfect gift assortment for every vetbro on your nice list, no matter their EAS date or preferred holiday. Don’t forget to use the code ‘heroworship’ when you check out because of course there is a veteran discount.

1. Woobie Robe: This comfy AF bathrobe has the look and smell of a foxhole-tested poncho liner with the added absorption of French terry cloth to ward off trench crotch. And it has pockets!

2. Ranger Up Shirt-of-the-Month Club: Your special vet gets the same moto t-shirt in a bigger size every month.

3. Ibuprofen Advent calendar: Treat them to Christmas-flavored pain relief all month with eggnog, peppermint, and gingerbread delights. Background choices include pinks and greens Santa or Arlington gravestones dusted with snow.

4. Personalized MARPAT Menorah: You can order hand-crafted candles that resemble all your warrior’s favorite officers so she can burn them in effigy for all the times they burned her.

5. Campaign medal nipple clamps: We know you love to hurt, so bust out your ho-ho-ho with this super moto, super sexy gift that will keep Christmas coming all year round. Kuwait Liberation Medal clamp set currently on back-order.

6. CLP-infused body butter: Impress the armory custodian in your life with just the right hint of scent and just the right touch of lube. Here’s one gift he won’t hand back.

7. Blood stripe Festivus pole: Air your grievances with Marine Corps flair!

8. ‘Veteran’s Little Helper’ Santa hat for your buddy’s service dog: Because your disabled veteran friend’s sole personality trait is that he has a service animal.

9. A blowjob: That’s actually all your veteran wants. Give this gift and be a real holiday hero. No discount code required.

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Miscellaneous

Pentagon fails first audit and still gets promoted to Hexagon

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WASHINGTON — Despite failing the first audit in its over 70 year history, the Pentagon is being promoted to the rank of hexagon in a move that surprised few but angers many, sources confirmed today.

The promotion comes after the completion of a year-long audit where the Department of Defense passed only five of 21 assessed areas, with an overall failure for the DoD. The audit identified significant issues with information security and inventory management.

Such a high profile failure sometimes ends careers, but some question why the Pentagon is not being held accountable for its poor performance.

“How the hell did it fail?” asked Staff Sgt. Alan Hickman, a member of the Army Staff. “What, seven decades wasn’t enough time to prepare? Haven’t we been managing inventories since like 1776 or something? Any moron who tanks an audit with that much lead time should get shit canned, forget a promotion. This is fuck up and move up.”

Air Force Capt. Charles “Butthurt” Butarski seemed to agree, telling reporters, “This is obviously favoritism because nobody is questioning why we failed on information security. Seriously — three years ago a bunch of hackers stole files on 22 million people from the OPM server and the Pentagon is still fixing shit at about the pace of a three-toed sloth.”

Still, some senior-ranking personnel offered differing viewpoints.

“This promotion is completely normal and well deserved,” said a military flag officer who asked to not be named. “The audit failure is certainly serious, but it shouldn’t tarnish the Pentagon’s otherwise stellar career, at least not any more than failures affect senior officers who then miraculously survive misconduct investigations with apparent impunity.”

Kathryn Gillerson, a Department of the Navy Civilian, said she wasn’t surprised the Pentagon was finally making Hexagon.

“It’s part of the old boy network. If I failed that audit they’d send me to run a shoppette on Kwajalein Atoll. They’ll probably hold a promotion party and yuk it up about the good old days of Fat Leonard bashes.”

Sources said that to address the audit issues, immediately after promotion the Pentagon will require all employees to re-take the DoD Cyber Awareness Challenge and will improve inventory management through new contracted support. Several Chinese and Russian companies are reportedly competing for the effort.

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Miscellaneous

Thanksgiving declares unconditional surrender in War on Christmas

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Turkey Prime Minister Gobbler has announced his plans for unconditional surrender to Gen. Santa Clausewitz of the Christmas Empire after many decades of frigid winter combat in North America, sources confirm today.

First declared in 1959, the War on Christmas began as internal strife. However, after the experienced General Clausewitz eventually gained control of the Empire in a military coup, he used his momentum to rapidly begin encroaching on the borders of Thanksgiving in a power play that left the western world roiling.

Initially, Thanksgiving’s Turkey Army held strong along with the aid of longtime allies Veteran’s Day and Halloween, and most observers believed the so-named Autumn Allied Forces (AAF) would defend its territory with ease. This appeared to be the case for decades as the AAF firmly held Christmas behind the Black Friday DMZ.

However, Santa Clausewitz switched to a widespread war of attrition in the 1990s, using his charismatic leadership and the Empire’s worldwide ideological support to slowly chip away at the border between fall and winter. With the ability to evade detection and appear in chimneys behind enemy lines, the orange and black flag lost more and more ground to the red and green.

As concerns began to rise, Thanksgiving looked for allies in New Year’s, Valentine’s Day and even MLK Jr Day. It found no help there, as Christmas remained thoroughly uninterested in expanding its borders Springward.

In the 2000s, the Christmas Empire seemed to no longer need attrition-based insurgency tactics, and unabashedly expanded its logistics chains past the fall borders. Thanksgiving began to face internal problems during this time as well, with small-time rebellions popping up in response to Thanksgiving’s alleged slaughter of Native Americans in its formative years. Gobbler staunchly denied the claims and continued its war, albeit with less support.

Despite continuing its ongoing fight even as it became the losing side, Thanksgiving finally realized the hopelessness of its struggle in the past months. When Christmas displayed its ability to move past Thanksgiving’s borders and operate with impunity even before Halloween, the AAF made a joint decision to throw in the towel.

Ironically, both sides looked to support from the same God, insisting their war was of a holy nature. It’s unknown how the end of this war will affect worldwide religious followers, but in North America, supporters of Thanksgiving have been increasingly going to ground.

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