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美国和中国同意的友好仇恨

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(English)

RANCHO MIRAGE(兰桥米拉市), CA (加州)—— 在中美周五的双边对话之后,巴拉克·奥巴马和习近平发布了联合声明,声明中阐述了一系列的原则,包括:两国完全不赞同对方对基本上所有问题的处理方式;双方除了经济上的纠结不断以外,没有共同利益;双方将继续在所有较量中动用任何手段来破坏对方。

然而,声明中双方领导人说到两国的殊死较量并不会影响彼此的根本友好关系,中美在相互摧毁对方的同时也享受着这份友谊。从稍后的新闻发布会上获悉,双方在朝鲜问题上达成突破性共识。

“我催促他(习近平)解决中国的后盾——朝鲜(问题)”,奥巴马说,“中美双方都感到头疼沮丧。最后,习近平说到:别再让我做你明明就知道我做不到的事情了。你知道现在的情况,我们支持朝鲜仅仅是因为我们是不得不呆在一起的邻居……我们讨厌这帮蠢蛋,他们也不喜欢我们。这种关系跟中美两国之间的关系正好相反……”

“我问他(习)什么意思,他(习)说:虽然中国是美国现在的直接对手,中国希望看到美国在将来崩溃,但是中国对美国还是有感情的,是尊重的”,奥巴马又加了一句。

“中美双方在朝鲜问题上有了突破性的共识,但是我想说美国对中国也是同样的看法。中美就跟斯密斯和琼斯一样,两个貌似友好的邻居,友好地竞争着直到有一方死翘翘,去对方坟上大哭一场,边哭边在对方坟头撒尿。”

“当中国看美国的时候,我们惊奇地发现中美两国人民竟是如此相似!”习近平说,“大方,乐观,努力工作,排外,嫉妒,自大。 在对比两国的土豪时,我有时候就在想如果你是中国人就好了。”

根据中美双方达成的协议,中国将继续黑客攻击美国的商业和政府机构,但是美国将会通过收集腐败证据,开始针对中国官员的个人电脑做一系列类似的黑客攻击,然后把这些证据公之于众。两国达成默契,在类似黑客活动被发现之时,双方都拒绝承认,以免造成对两者之间友谊产生负面影响的尴尬局面。

在涉及盗取高级军事设计方案方面,奥巴马说鉴于为了发展双方外交,他将会继续睁一只眼闭一只眼。

“坦白来讲”奥巴马说,“他们计划造F-35战机和两栖登陆舰。中国发展这些武器对他们自己的伤害将会比在战场上对我们造成的伤害更大。”

在黑客问题上,两国随后达成了一系列惊人的附加协议,跟在经济、气候变化和安全问题上的协议一样。

“我们达成一致共识,中国将继续购买美国国债,从而人为降低汇率以促进贸易发展,”习近平说,“我们再也不会假装在不损害自己经济利益的基础上而达到军事目的,来吓唬我们的美国朋友。”

“就我方而言,我们将继续纵容你们人为操纵货币的行为,”奥巴马说,“我们不会再想方设法要挟你们遵守气候变化倡议。相反,我们会继续卖煤给你们来加重你们的癌症疫情,然后我们会继续把你们的进口情况提交给消费者透明保护组织,并且把这些惊人的结果通过网络公布传播给你们的人民。”

“双方达成一致,美国将继续在中国的周边捣乱,包括支持台湾,”习说。“我们希望你们的军队在日本、澳大利亚和越南的性侵行为不会有麻烦。我们在等待美国经过海外基地烧光他们在海外的探险经费而与盟国分崩离析的同时,会推迟我们在南亚赤裸裸地称霸。在此期间,我们将会把我们的重心放在处理与西方的关系上。”

“我仅代表美国人民,祝你们好运!希望维吾尔族和回族的穆斯林们能交到更多的新朋友,”奥巴马阴笑着说到。

在被问及更多关于这次宣言会给军事和情报合作的细节时,双方都保证将会有更好的合作。

“我们之前谈过,而且我们未来将会有更多的军事合作训练。我们都谋求稳定,所以我们将会从这些潜在的不稳定和激烈的党派斗争中吸取教训,”奥巴马说。

“合作演习是一个简单的方案,”习近平说。“高级军官们喜欢得到荣誉和奖章来彰显他们的地位,合作演习正好能在不把他们送上战场的情况下奖励他们。同时,合作演习也能使我们的情报机构学到更多的东西和盗取命感数据。”

“更不用说揭露在美国自由明主下的中国情报人员,让他们思考怎么背叛他们的老板,然后当中国最终崩溃的时候跳槽到加拿大或者澳大利亚。”奥巴马添了一嘴。

双方握手之后离开,开始玩儿新一轮的高尔夫球游戏,参加随后的烤猪晚宴,如故人般把酒言欢。

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Miscellaneous

THE DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Your CrossFit WOD

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You’ve been asking for it, and now its here. The Duffel Blog has finally become part of the grind, and we are proud to introduce our own CrossFit hero line-up. These routines are named after military members who died performing CrossFit at their local boxes. The workouts of the day (WODs) are the very workouts that killed them.

First in your WOD box line-up is Lance Cpl. Rio from 29 Palms, California. The Metcon portion of the WOD is meant to be done unbroken and unscaled. For the strength portion, we stress proper form. Keep your toes 180 degrees from each other and ensure that your back has a nice rounded arch at the end of the lift. This might feel off balance, but that’s what a violent kip is for.

Since we are going heavy today, it is advised to forego the warm-up and get after it. You’ll need all your strength to master this challenging and rewarding WOD.

Buy in: Lunging front rack dumbbell twists.

Metcon: 6 rounds for time
10 Meters down and back front squat long jump suicide squads
3 Strict inverted Turkish bear complexes
8 Kipping pelvic thrusters
24 Kettle bell wall balls at 10 feet
10 Second rest

Then Strength:
Find your 1 RM of kipping sumo deadlift overhead snatches.

Buy out: $240

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Army

Former PT stud now lives in barn

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CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Miscellaneous

Point/Counterpoint: I struggle everyday as an amputee vs. My son’s Legos will never stop me

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The following is a point/counterpoint article written by former Spc. Aaron Johnson, who lost his leg after his Humvee was hit by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan in 2008. 

POINT: I lost my left leg 10 years ago. The docs told me I’d still live a normal life.

COUNTERPOINT: He’s only four, but my son can sometimes be a bigger asshole than the Taliban that buried the IEDs that wiped out our convoy.

POINT: I know I should be thankful. I came away from that explosion in better shape than most of my friends.

COUNTERPOINT: I fucking see you, Lego version of Chris-Pratt-from-the-latest-installment-of-Jurassic-World.

POINT: I thank God every day for the loving support of my friends and family. My wife — who saw the best in me despite finding me at my worst — pulled me up and gave me a second chance at life.

COUNTERPOINT: I used to never see these Lego sons-of-bitches. I’d only hear the crunch of titanium-on-plastic after the fact. In all honesty, I felt remorse, but this shit started to get real old real quick.

POINT: Still, I struggle. I drink more than I should. I got blitzed at an Applebee’s yesterday. I only meant to stop by for curbside delivery.

COUNTERPOINT: I’m not going to lie. Now, I’ll go out of my way to step on these fuckers if I see them. Call it poetic justice.

POINT: I slipped in a puddle of piss in the bathroom during happy hour. My leg came off, and my stump landed in a urinal.

COUNTERPOINT: JUSTICE! DO YOU HEAR ME, CHRIS PRATT?

POINT: There are still little bits of cake in my stump.

COUNTERPOINT: I AM INVULNERABLE! I AM GOD!

POINT: Urinal cake.

COUNTERPOINT: Everything is awesome!

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Miscellaneous

UN plan to invade America postponed for 26th year in a row

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NEW YORK — The United Nations’ Department of Peacekeeping Operations (DPKO) has quietly announced the postponement of its planned invasion of the United States for the 26th year in a row, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve suffered another setback, unfortunately,” said Jean-Pierre Lacroix, under-secretary General for Peacekeeping Operations, to a small group of reporters atop the General Assembly Building in Manhattan. “With nearly 60% of our 90,905 uniformed troops and police officers being non-deployable due to Class 3 dental issues, we just don’t have enough bodies to occupy a country the size of the United States, much less disarm the populace and send them to re-education camps.”

“This is worse than three years ago when our soldiers flooded the bathrooms in the abandoned Walmart during Jade Helm,” he added.

Much to the disappointment of InfoWars viewers everywhere, the long-awaited Red Dawn-like scenario of repelling the gun-confiscating Blue Helmets apparently won’t be happening this year, experiencing another delay like it has every year since New World Order agent Bill Clinton became president.

Lacroix also expressed frustration at the constant roadblocks to the Globalists’ plans to subjugate the nation with the highest gun-ownership-per-capita on Earth.

“After our Manchurian candidate left office last year, we no longer had the US military available to ‘execute Order 66,’ if you know what I mean,” Lacroix said with air-quotes as he referenced Star Wars Episode III. “I called my friends Vladimir and Jinping to send reinforcements for when we launched, but their aircraft carriers broke down at sea and never arrived.”

At this point in his public address a black, unmarked UH-60 arrived on scene and hovered overhead, cautiously descending toward the General Assembly rooftop.

“Well, at least our rotary-wing aircraft are actually flying this time,” the under-secretary general yelled above the loud roar of the aircraft’s blades. “Last year, our fleet of black helicopters was grounded because we used up our fuel-budget flying a bunch of illegal immigrants and Syrian refugees through the southern border.”

“I will confer with my friends at the Deep State about trying this again next year. I’m sure our plan will actually work then.”

The black helicopter then rose into the air and camouflaged itself against the sky, turning nearly invisible before flying toward the Continuity-of-Government base at Raven Rock.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard nervous over upcoming disabled veterans sailing race

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MONTEREY, Calif. — Local Coast Guard officials say they are a bit nervous about an upcoming event involving dozens of disabled military veteran racers competing in a Wounded Warrior Sailing Race, sources confirmed today.

“If we’re going to start together then we’re going to end together,” said Marcus Distelrath, a former U.S. Marine who lost both his arms in an IED blast, before starting the race.

“Um…yeah, about that,” said Petty Officer Stacy Hearn, a Boatswain’s Mate at Station Monterey. “We’re really supportive but this seems a bit dangerous and excessive. I mean, there’s one guy who’s using just his teeth to handle the lines.”

She added: “I’m pretty sure he’s just a life jacket with a head.”

Distelrath is part of the veteran non-profit organization, Sailing For Freedom, which provides veterans with sailing lessons as they begin their transition from military to civilian life.

“I’ve always wanted to do a sailing race, but I was always uneasy and terrified to do it on my own,” said Matthew Estes, who has been learning how to sail for the past six months despite having lost his legs and his right eye in a fire fight in the Middle East. “But Marcus has really given me the bravery that I can do whatever I want despite my disability.”

“Look, we’re not going to cancel the event,” said Hearn with her hands positioned in a defensive manner. “But let’s just say we’re going to be like a parent watching their toddler tightrope walk for the first time.”

Bob Cohen, who’s also a disabled U.S. Marine, has post-traumatic stress disorder and suffers from epileptic seizures.

“My brain just kind of lights off like a fireworks factory catching fire, but I’m still physically fit, and there are veterans that are perfectly capable of doing a race like this. Just because my mind is like a spastic Tasmanian devil, I would like to help these vets achieve something and not have their injury define them,” Cohen adds.

Some of the veterans will have their service animals with them in case they suffer from an episode that impacts their ability to sail.

“Oh, Christ,” added Hearn.

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Air Force

Report: New Space Force recruits not as tough as the Old Space Force

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CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – New Space Force recruits are coming into the service less disciplined and physically weaker this month than the Space Force recruits from last month, sources confirmed today.

“Back when I joined Space Force on June 18th, the recruiting was selective and the training was tough as nails.  When we made it to our first unit, we were ready to serve. Now that it’s July, it seems like any whiney college dropout walks into My Space Corps and we have to train them once they get to the Force. I don’t understand this generation,” a senior space force non-commissioned astronaut said on condition of anonymity.

Navy Capt. Bill Ryker, spokesman for the Department of Defense, indicated that a panel was convening to investigate if Space Cadets were getting the right kind of training at Space Camp and indicated that zero-G physical fitness training and rocket-pack road marches would be a renewed priority.

“In recruiting for Space Force, we are recruiting a representation of the American public,” said Ryker. “As American society has changed over the past week, so have the new space cadets we can recruit. Space Force must evolve.”

“I talked to a new recruit who got to my unit, and he said that they got Dippin’ Dots at Space Camp,” the astronaut said. “Are you fucking kidding me? Dippin’ Dots? I don’t care if it’s the ice cream of the future.”

He added: “Back when I joined Space Force, we got Tang and MREs, and if our tummies rumbled, there was real fear that an alien would explode from our abdomen and start attacking the whole chow hall. I never saw an alien explode out of someone’s stomach, but it definitely happened to my buddy from Space Camp when he got to his first outpost. He told me about it at the cantina.”

Grissom Shepherd, a new recruit, told all his buddies from high school that Space Camp was the hardest experience of his life, and the complaints about it are blown out of proportion.

“I never saw a stress card, and I heard that this Drill Physicist from 2nd Platoon punched this Space Cadet in the stomach for making Star Wars references. Space Camp was hard as shit,” Shepherd said.

“Except,” he added, “I heard that 3rd Platoon — the guys in the new shuttle bay that came in just before we graduated — had it way easier. They got weekend passes and only had to get 18/30 on their laser qualifications.  Seriously, fuck those guys.”

Taco McGibblets contributed to this story.

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Miscellaneous

Local Firework displays ‘No Douchey Veteran’ sign on lawn for July 4th celebration

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FT. HOOD, Texas — A local bottle rocket created quite a stir this weekend after putting up a lawn sign saying “Explosive Pyrotechnic — Please Refrain From Being Douchey Veterans” ahead of the Independence Day holiday.

Bucking Bronco, a Texas native with 8 years of pyrotechnic experience, put up the controversial sign late Sunday afternoon. Some members of the community immediately rallied to the bottle rocket’s call, vowing to limit the douche-baggery of their veterans to only reservists or Coast Guardsmen, and to confine them to their backyard.

But others saw the sign as controversial.

“I respect Bronco’s service to our country’s celebratory nighttime illumination, and sympathize with its continued suffering of post-ignition stress disorder,” said neighbor John Wokesmith. “But it’s the very celebration it provides that make me want to show off my alcoholic, dickhead of a cousin who never shuts up about being in the Rangers – despite him being admin. July 4th is the one time of year I can bring him around my friends and won’t have the cops called on us for him drunkenly blocking traffic or filling the streets with his obnoxious vape smoke.”

Other neighbors say it’s all just part of a pattern of attention-seeking behavior to compensate for Bronco’s perception of low self-worth. “If you live near a military base – hearing military jargon and moto phrases are a part of everyday life. If Bronco doesn’t like it, he should move.”

But Bucking Bronco isn’t the only one with complaints. Some residents have apparently filed grievances to the local Home Owners Association about its behavior, and even started a petition to get it kicked out of the neighborhood.

“It’s loud, it’s obnoxious, and it takes just a little spark to set it off,” said Miguel Angueiro. “One time Bucking, reeking of black powder, wandered over to my house, wearing a ‘Thank Me For My Combustion’ wrapper, and started bragging to my 16-year-old-daughter about having a ‘big fuse.’ It then had the nerve to call me a ‘sparkler-cuck’ when I threatened to call the cops if it didn’t get off my property. I don’t care what its history is, I don’t want it, or any of its buddies, anywhere near my kids ever again.”

At press time, Bucking Bronco still had its sign up and the local Veterans Parade remained scheduled for the afternoon of the 4th.

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Miscellaneous

Kampai! Pentagon releases sushi MRE

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OKINAWA, Japan — In the wake of the much heralded success of the new pizza MRE, the Department of Defense has decided to produce a fresh-from-the-sea sushi meal with a shelf-life of three years.

The sushi meal will include a California roll packed with Almost Real Crab, rice crackers, sour plums, and tofu cookies. The condiment pouch will include soy sauce, imitation wasabi and green tea powder.

“We thought this move would really highlight the talents of our Asian and Pacific Islander service members,” said Pentagon spokesman John Sellers, while wearing a ninja costume and Hawaiian shirt. “The troops are gonna love it!”

Distribution will begin at bases in the Asia-Pacific theater for service members who want to enjoy the local cuisine while out in the field. But reactions to the announcement were mixed.

“Dude, I am stationed in Korea. They HATE Japanese stuff here, and the cartons have pics of Mt. Fuji and the Japanese flag on them. The MREs will never even make it through customs,” said Army Sgt. Ron West.

“Wow, I can’t wait to spend the night in the sweltering jungles of Okinawa and eat fish that has been sitting in a hot shipping container for a month,” said Marine Gunnery Sgt. Christine Worthington. “Maybe I can wash it down with a lukewarm cup of reconstituted milk tea.”

At press time, production was held up by a lingering odor problem with the packaging but that is expected to be resolved with the arrival of a pallet of miniature Febreeze cans.

Duffel Blog writer W.T. Door contributed to this article.

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