THE PERSIAN GULF – The Islamic Republic of Iran’s annual missile drill “Great Prophet 9” culminated this year with the firing of 18 ballistic missiles into the Gulf of Oman. Duffel Blog has learned that the show of force coincided with the Aegis-equipped destroyer on station USS The Sullivans conducting quarterly Sexual Assault Program Response (SAPR) training in the vessel’s Combat Information Center.
The SAPR representative was explaining the definition of a “quid quo pro” on a PowerPoint slide projected over the monitor intended for situation awareness at the time of launch detection.
“I noticing several large dots bloom on the radar scope,” recounted Officer of the Deck Lt. Frank Piet to reporters, “So I turned on the 1MC and announced the launch of several Iranian missiles.”
According to sources, the decision to hold the SAPR class in the critical war-fighting hub of the vessel was made by Bryan Kojeski, the Command Master Chief of The Sullivans, who reasoned it was the best location because that it had the biggest computer screens, the comfiest chair for him, and everyone was going to be in there anyway so it saved time. Meanwhile only 125 nautical miles away, the launched Iranian missiles were in the process of thoroughly destroying a life-size model of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.
“Hey there, sir,” witnesses report CMC Kojeski barked while Lt. Piet was still talking. “How about you belay that until the training session is over.”
“No problem, Chief,” the OOD replied. “I’ll just radio the Ayatollah and ask him to postpone the missiles’ landing for another 45 minutes.”
Sources report Piet was promptly censured for back-talking the backbone of the US Navy and “not being a team player.”
When reached by Duffel Blog for comment, Kojeski said that it was vitally important for United States Navy officers to “have their priorities straight at sea and ashore [regarding] sexual assault.”
“I have been doing this job for twenty years and nothing serious has ever happened that couldn’t wait until the end of the PowerPoint,” Kojeski said.
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