BAGHDAD, Iraq — A new ISIS video is set to be released this week and Americans are “not going to like it,” according to multiple sources in the intelligence community.
The video, which shows a member of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS or ISIL) desecrating an American flag in a washing machine, was posted to jihadist chat rooms and is expected to be widely available on the internet by week’s end.
“You have a bumper sticker that says ‘These colors do not run!'” the jihadist known as “Dearborn Dave” says to the camera. “But we have seen time and again, this is not true.”
As he removes a flag from a Kenmore upright, he looks right into the camera and says, “Well, well, well, what have we here? The reds and blues have bled, like your soldiers, and now the whole thing is just, just purple!”
Sunni extremists believe purple to be the color of defeat for one of the many obscure, impenetrable reasons Islamists often cite. “Plus, it’s a little gay,” Dave says.
Dave continues addressing the audience, saying “For some reason, your Van Zants wrote a nonsensical song about it. Even our ignorant, illiterate wives know that colors must be kept separate, and washed in cold water.”
The terrorist adds: “We had only to use hot water, and your colors have run! How much worse will your so-called Marines be, when we use hot lead! Will they too soil their uniforms? Ha! Of course!”
Across the U.S., the video has been met mostly negative responses.
Newly-elected Senator Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) has promised to introduce legislation prohibiting the use of non-cold water in the laundering of U.S. flags, while Defense Department officials have asked Congress for $73 million to develop a detergent-safe flag.
And in Florida, a prominent church has threatened to wash a Quran in hot water and use the fastest spin cycle if any other American flags are harmed.
In related news, al Qaeda in Yemen has promised to walk all over a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag in the near future if all US troops are not immediately withdrawn from the Middle East.