Sailor Who Can't Wiz Accurately Into Toilet Still Manning The .50-Cal
USS CURTIS WILBUR — Sailors aboard USS Curtis Wilbur (DDG-54) are reacting in shock after learning that a crewmember has recently qualified to stand watch on one of the vessel’s four .50-caliber machine guns, despite evidence that the young man can’t properly aim his own stream of urine into the ship’s male toilets without “piss-plastering the whole goddamned stall.”
Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Tanner Witsky, a 22-year-old weapons department sailor who reportedly admits to his urinary aiming deficiency (as well as to getting cases of “the butt liquid” whenever around loaded firearms and/or women) is now reportedly responsible for protecting the $1.84-billion Arleigh Burke Class destroyer and its crew of nearly 300 by engaging any shallow water threats Curtis Wilbur might face while moored at potentially dangerous foreign ports.
“It’s beyond comprehension that spaz is expected to keep us from getting blown to shit each time we’re tied-up pierside in any one of these shady-ass countries,” sai…
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