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Duffel Blog Reviews The Top 5 Meals Ready-To-Eat

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Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s roving food critic. He has degrees in both gastronomy and gastrology from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores.

A new year is upon us, and soon we will see the rollout of the 2015 MRE menu slate from the good people at the Defense Logistics Agency. Though we foodies here at Duffel Blog look forward to that, for the time being let’s take a look at some of the most popular menus from the last few years.

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A soldier places a main meal into an MRE heater, hoping that warming it up will make it better. He’s also hoping the roach coach shows up to this damn range, because these fucking things suck.

#5: Chili and Macaroni

Ingredients: Chili and Macaroni; Pound cake; Cheese spread, bacon; Crackers; Candy III; Beverage, carbo electro; Spice, red pepper; Accessory packet A; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.

Like we wouldn’t include this classic, still alive and kicking after all these years. Chili Mac may be the perfect MRE menu (although its cousin Cheese Tortellini is very well-balanced too). The meat in the chili mac is a grab bag of beef, horse, emu, buffalo, ocelot, and Scott Tenorman’s parents. The macaroni noodles are yeasty and require a suspicious amount of chewing. The pound cake is reminiscent of drywall with hints of office chair padding. DIY Gatorade tastes like Mountain Dew and asparagus pee. It provides a quick energy boost, which will allow you to continue jerking off in the porta-john while you peek out at Sgt. Tamzarian doing CrossFit in her sports bra. I like to crumble the crackers into my chili mac and eat it all together. The only big drawback to this menu is the licorice candy, which this critic despises, but you can usually trade them for more crackers to go with your cheese spread.

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Why do these assholes have fresh fruit on the table? Don’t they know the only thing worth eating in life comes in a sealed brown bag filled with diarrhea-inducing sustenance?

#4: Beef Ravioli

Ingredients: Beef Ravioli; Cheese spread; Wheat snack bread; Corn nuts; Dried fruit; Beverage, carb fortified; Hot sauce; Accessory packet C; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.

These pasta curls resemble the ears of dead gooks my Vietnam vet uncle keeps in a sack in his old footlocker. They taste exactly the same too. (Don’t judge me. Have you ever eaten pho? You know what you’re eating? Ear soup. So climb down off your high horse, asshole.) They contain a beef-like substance which has been infused with the sweat from a Hungarian’s sweatsocks. The corn nuts have a delightful hint of chode. The dried fruit reposes sullenly in your mouth like a flaccid dong, and makes you wonder what kind of nursing-home diaper-wearing idiot thinks dried fruit is appetizing. The roofing-shingle that DLA calls “wheat snack bread” is very useful for plugging bullet holes in your SAPI plates and tests have shown this will actually increase structural integrity. The only downside here is that there are no crackers to accompany the “cheese” spread, so you have to trade with somebody for crackers. Hope you saved some Skittles from lunch.

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Gimme that good ol’ military goo!

#3: Pork Sausage In Cream Gravy

Ingredients: Pork Sausage In Cream Gravy; Granola with Milk and Fruit; Chocolate Banana Nut Muffin Top; Cheddar Cheese Spread; Crackers; Beverage Base; Accessory Packet A; Spoon; Flameless Ration Heater; Hot Beverage Bag.

Upon close inspection of the congealed cream gravy, I discovered that it was, indeed, solidified whale semen. The sausage was only “pork” if pigs evolved tentacles while I wasn’t paying attention. The granola emitted a transcendent aroma of gangrenous almonds and pine needles. The chocolate banana nut muffin top was a sad reminder for me that my wife has yet to lose the “baby weight” from our teenage daughter — yet I’m an asshole if I comment on her weight. This menu secured its place in our top five because of the crackers and cheese spread. Honestly, I don’t know why DLA considers any other side item pairing. You can’t top perfection. And best of all, the crackers are not “vegetable” crackers, whatever that means. Literally the only way to make this menu better would be to include the bacon cheese spread instead of the normal unbaconed cheese spread. Is unbaconed a word? Fuck you in the mouth, it is now.

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Some meals are so dangerous to a human being’s digestive system that the Pentagon recommends wearing gloves and having a knife on hand at all times, in case you need to kill the alien that pops out of your stomach, before he murders your entire platoon.

#2: Pork Rib

Ingredients: Pork Rib; Potato cheddar soup; Beef snacks; Peanut butter; Wheat snack bread (2); Candy, caffeine mints; Jelly/Jam; Beverage, carb fortified; BBQ Sauce; Accessory packet B; Spoon; Flameless ration heater.

This hunk of coagulated offal mashed into the shape of a graphic calculator is sure to offer your taste buds luminescent treasures. I had this meal five days ago, and my butthole still does not have an exit strategy. I believe the idea is to put the “pork” “rib” patty in between the two pieces of wheat snack break, which by the way are also handy to shelter under in case of a sudden monsoon. You garnish this Cthonic abomination with the BBQ sauce and have yourself, in essence, a Ranger McRib. Magnificent; but it leaves us without a dry carb to use with the other side items. Namely, the peanut butter which displays intriguing non-Newtonian fluid tendencies, and the jelly-slash-jam of a flavor that cannot be articulated in a language without clicks and whistles. So, once again, you need to fucking trade somebody for crackers.

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Marines look through the MRE box trying desperately to find the meal that will send them to the head the fastest. Plot twist: It’s all of them!

#1: Buffalo Chicken

Ingredients: Buffalo Chicken; Santa Fe Rice & Beans; Patriotic cookies; Turkey Nuggets; Cheese spread, Jalapeno; Tortillas; Candy II; Mocha cappuccino; Accessory packet B; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.

A classic from the 2012 season. Our current favorite, not least because my old HQ platoon sergeant used to call it “Bubbleguts Chicken” because it gave him terrible gas. The chicken itself is not bad, tasting like a tangy mix between used zentai and infected foot blister. The rice is good although the beans look more like benign polyps removed from Ronald Reagan’s colon. The turkey nuggets are sure to be a hit at a haunted house when you want to simulate shrunken testicles. And I’ve never felt more patriotic than eating the patriotic cookies. Make sure you drink the mocha cappuccino while you smoke a Miami brand cigarette to achieve that true gastric zenith. Only downside is Accessory Packet B, which does not include coffee. How am I supposed to stay awake on watch if I can’t shove those grounds in my lip like snuff? And I can’t figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do with these tortillas. Whip them at my Mexican commo sergeant maybe.

All menu listings from www.mreinfo.com. Lee Ho Fuk, Epic Blunder, and Jack S. McQuack heroically volunteered their own mortal GI tracts to contribute to this article.

Dick Scuttlebutt is a graduate of SAMS and a veteran of the War on Women. He won the coveted Weeping Mushroom Medal for his actions at Two Points Ridge. His Twitter feed @DickScuttlebutt was voted "best" by your sister. You can send hate mail to [email protected] Or buy his book here: http://tinyurl.com/kdeeg6p

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Cyber Command’s first offensive operation: bombing China with dick pics

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FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. Cyber Command released details today of its plan to discharge millions of dick pics on Chinese networks in America’s first authorized offensive cyberattack.

The plan is a severe departure from earlier senior leader discussions. The original version involved Cyber Command forcing itself onto Chinese servers, shutting down the economy, and setting up forward operating networks for indefinite local interference. However, younger staff pushed back, noting that an exit strategy was undefined.

Gen. Paul M. Nakasone, commander of U.S. Cyber Command, crowdsourced ideas from his staff. The winner came from one of his few female non-commissioned officers, Cpl. Lana Rodriguez.

“Corporal Rodriguez’s idea of weaponizing phallic imagery at non-routine intervals along random network nodes blew us away. Lucky for us, I guess there really is nothing more offensive than a United States Marine,” Nakasone said.

Operation Tyler Durden involves inserting quick dick snippets at random points along the network over the course of weeks, disorienting and upsetting billions of users. It involves deeply penetrative, enduring network thrusts that maximize damage without blowing the operation’s load in one blitz.

It makes a coordinated Chinese response more difficult because most people cannot fully process a split-second dick on the screen the first few times. Cyber Command can remain undetected longer and inflict more widespread chaos while remaining below the kinetic threshold.

“Smaller payloads also allow for faster pull out and clean up,” Rodriguez explained. “Plus, while everyone is busy hurling dicks at China, maybe I’ll get a break from them for a bit. A girl can dream, at least.”

The operation met a slight delay as Nakasone worked to remove Department of Defense network firewalls that blocked access to the best dick pic sites. The new launch date is set to coincide with the Marine Corps birthday as a gift to Defense Secretary James Mattis.

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VA executives announce initiative to fill 45,000 vacant jobs: hire friends and relatives

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WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced a plan today to curb non-veteran unemployment by hiring personal friends and family members into vacant positions.

The move comes after news broke last month that the VA currently has 45,000 unfilled positions across the country. Recruitment efforts to fill those positions are moving forward at a snail’s pace, however, slowing veterans’ access to quality healthcare.

“Today marks a special day for the VA,” said Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie during a press conference. “I am not only promising to hire all of my friends and family members, but I am also directing all VA executives nationwide to pledge that they too will make every effort to hire their friends and family members.”

The recruitment effort is being lauded nationwide by VA officials who are excited at the prospect of being able to openly admit they have already been giving their personal contacts cozy jobs for years.

“This new pledge is going to ensure we have support directly from the top to begin accelerated hiring efforts to make sure there is a zero percent unemployment rate among our immediate and extended family members,” said David Sanders, director of the Iowa City VA Medical Center. “We are talking about quality, full-time jobs here. They deserve to be filled by Americas best and brightest — my kin.”

Non-veteran employees make up about 68 percent of the VA’s nationwide workforce. The new initiative aims to make that number much higher.

“The rest of my family and friends can finally breathe a sigh of relief today,” said Roland Williams, human resources officer at the VA Minneapolis Healthcare System. “The VA needs people who are leaders and who are driven to accomplish the mission at all costs. Who better to fill that role than my personal network? Giving my nephew his first job right out of college makes great business sense.”

Opponents of the new initiative say the efforts will likely exclude veterans, whose nationwide unemployment rate is 2.9 percent, according to the Department of Labor.

VA executives disagree and suggest the new initiative will help rapidly fill the vacant positions, some of which have been vacant since the ’90s. The faster hiring times will result from skipping the time-consuming USAJobs application process, interviewing, and conducting reference checks, which are unnecessary when preselecting close relatives and placing them into high-paying jobs.

“Our non-veteran friends and family members have endured a lot. They are stressed, suffering, underemployed, and they need job opportunities immediately,” said Donny Allison, associate director of the Dallas VA Healthcare System. “Taxpayers expect me to improve the federal employment opportunities for everyone I personally know and everyone they know. There is no need to look anywhere else for high-quality candidates, especially outside of my family tree.”

Wilkie is leading the nationwide effort. He is currently planning a Christmas hiring fair at his personal residence. Invitations to the event – which promises guaranteed employment with no interviews – have already gone out to his entire family.

“If you didn’t get one, well, tough shit,” added Wilkie.

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Air Force

Air Force decreases deployments to Afghanistan to a 3-hour tour

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PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch.

“These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm high.” said Wilson. “We’ll put America’s Airmen on expertly skippered three-hour tours.”

“A three-hour tour,” echoed Wilson’s aide.

The shortened tours are expected to increase the likelihood of Air Force Reserve personnel with unique civilian skill sets – such as professors, movie stars, millionaires, and millionaires’ wives – to volunteer for deployments.

“We used to require lengthy pre-deployment training,” Wilson added. “Today’s airmen don’t even need to pack. They’ll be on the ground for three hours.”

Wilson, who also introduced the new C-130M Minnow, emphasized how easy it was to get out of Afghanistan efficiently before concluding the press conference.

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Contractor Who Never Served Showing All The Trappings Of A True Vet Bro

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique, he has never actually served in the military, sources confirm today.

Mark Snufflepuff has never let that stop him, though, pushing the boundaries of what may or may not be considered stolen valor. He retains the right to blanket his social media with cringeworthy pro-American memes, pictures of his pre-workout, and his ability to make bad financial decisions.

“Vet culture is American culture. I don’t see really any difference from me and the guys pulling the triggers,” Snufflepuff said. “Hell no, I’ve never left the office. Well, the office and the gym. And the DFAC, massage parlor, Pizza Hut, the usual.”

Snufflepuff has created an exhaustive to-do list after waking up from his post-deployment hangovers. It includes physical therapy appointments for bad knees he acquired from lifting with Special Forces, Tinder dates he’s lined up, and stocking up on bottled water so he can continue to build his pyramid of spit bottles.

“I had to stop going out with him. He wears Affliction T-shirts, running shoes when he goes to the club, and always has a set of dog tags hanging out,” said Staff Sgt. Jack Spitty, one of Mark’s many friends on Facebook. “He has a higher high fade than I do. It was cool when I was an E4, but now I can’t bring myself to be around him.”

Snufflepuff is also excited to start a new t-shirt company, or brewery, or whatever. Whatever he thinks he will be able to market against his fellow vet bros, to paraphrase his rambling responses.

“I pay my taxes. I’m no different from them. Got my 5.11 clothes, finishing up the paperwork on this third divorce, and I think I’ll use the cash from this last deployment to rock a little further down my arm with this sick ink,” Snufflepuff said, pointing to his tribal tattoo on his right arm.

He’s deployed for now but can’t wait to get back stateside so he can practice his real calling: alcoholism.

DuffelBlog correspondent Danger Close also contributed to this article.

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Air Force

Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather

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WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before

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veteran

BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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