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Duffel Blog Reviews The Top 5 Meals Ready-To-Eat



Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s roving food critic. He has degrees in both gastronomy and gastrology from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores.

A new year is upon us, and soon we will see the rollout of the 2015 MRE menu slate from the good people at the Defense Logistics Agency. Though we foodies here at Duffel Blog look forward to that, for the time being let’s take a look at some of the most popular menus from the last few years.

A soldier places a main meal into an MRE heater, hoping that warming it up will make it better. He’s also hoping the roach coach shows up to this damn range, because these fucking things suck.

#5: Chili and Macaroni

Ingredients: Chili and Macaroni; Pound cake; Cheese spread, bacon; Crackers; Candy III; Beverage, carbo electro; Spice, red pepper; Accessory packet A; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.

Like we wouldn’t include this classic, still alive and kicking after all these years. Chili Mac may be the perfect MRE menu (although its cousin Cheese Tortellini is very well-balanced too). The meat in the chili mac is a grab bag of beef, horse, emu, buffalo, ocelot, and Scott Tenorman’s parents. The macaroni noodles are yeasty and require a suspicious amount of chewing. The pound cake is reminiscent of drywall with hints of office chair padding. DIY Gatorade tastes like Mountain Dew and asparagus pee. It provides a quick energy boost, which will allow you to continue jerking off in the porta-john while you peek out at Sgt. Tamzarian doing CrossFit in her sports bra. I like to crumble the crackers into my chili mac and eat it all together. The only big drawback to this menu is the licorice candy, which this critic despises, but you can usually trade them for more crackers to go with your cheese spread.

Why do these assholes have fresh fruit on the table? Don’t they know the only thing worth eating in life comes in a sealed brown bag filled with diarrhea-inducing sustenance?

#4: Beef Ravioli

Ingredients: Beef Ravioli; Cheese spread; Wheat snack bread; Corn nuts; Dried fruit; Beverage, carb fortified; Hot sauce; Accessory packet C; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.

These pasta curls resemble the ears of dead gooks my Vietnam vet uncle keeps in a sack in his old footlocker. They taste exactly the same too. (Don’t judge me. Have you ever eaten pho? You know what you’re eating? Ear soup. So climb down off your high horse, asshole.) They contain a beef-like substance which has been infused with the sweat from a Hungarian’s sweatsocks. The corn nuts have a delightful hint of chode. The dried fruit reposes sullenly in your mouth like a flaccid dong, and makes you wonder what kind of nursing-home diaper-wearing idiot thinks dried fruit is appetizing. The roofing-shingle that DLA calls “wheat snack bread” is very useful for plugging bullet holes in your SAPI plates and tests have shown this will actually increase structural integrity. The only downside here is that there are no crackers to accompany the “cheese” spread, so you have to trade with somebody for crackers. Hope you saved some Skittles from lunch.

Gimme that good ol’ military goo!

#3: Pork Sausage In Cream Gravy

Ingredients: Pork Sausage In Cream Gravy; Granola with Milk and Fruit; Chocolate Banana Nut Muffin Top; Cheddar Cheese Spread; Crackers; Beverage Base; Accessory Packet A; Spoon; Flameless Ration Heater; Hot Beverage Bag.

Upon close inspection of the congealed cream gravy, I discovered that it was, indeed, solidified whale semen. The sausage was only “pork” if pigs evolved tentacles while I wasn’t paying attention. The granola emitted a transcendent aroma of gangrenous almonds and pine needles. The chocolate banana nut muffin top was a sad reminder for me that my wife has yet to lose the “baby weight” from our teenage daughter — yet I’m an asshole if I comment on her weight. This menu secured its place in our top five because of the crackers and cheese spread. Honestly, I don’t know why DLA considers any other side item pairing. You can’t top perfection. And best of all, the crackers are not “vegetable” crackers, whatever that means. Literally the only way to make this menu better would be to include the bacon cheese spread instead of the normal unbaconed cheese spread. Is unbaconed a word? Fuck you in the mouth, it is now.

Some meals are so dangerous to a human being’s digestive system that the Pentagon recommends wearing gloves and having a knife on hand at all times, in case you need to kill the alien that pops out of your stomach, before he murders your entire platoon.

#2: Pork Rib

Ingredients: Pork Rib; Potato cheddar soup; Beef snacks; Peanut butter; Wheat snack bread (2); Candy, caffeine mints; Jelly/Jam; Beverage, carb fortified; BBQ Sauce; Accessory packet B; Spoon; Flameless ration heater.

This hunk of coagulated offal mashed into the shape of a graphic calculator is sure to offer your taste buds luminescent treasures. I had this meal five days ago, and my butthole still does not have an exit strategy. I believe the idea is to put the “pork” “rib” patty in between the two pieces of wheat snack break, which by the way are also handy to shelter under in case of a sudden monsoon. You garnish this Cthonic abomination with the BBQ sauce and have yourself, in essence, a Ranger McRib. Magnificent; but it leaves us without a dry carb to use with the other side items. Namely, the peanut butter which displays intriguing non-Newtonian fluid tendencies, and the jelly-slash-jam of a flavor that cannot be articulated in a language without clicks and whistles. So, once again, you need to fucking trade somebody for crackers.

Marines look through the MRE box trying desperately to find the meal that will send them to the head the fastest. Plot twist: It’s all of them!

#1: Buffalo Chicken

Ingredients: Buffalo Chicken; Santa Fe Rice & Beans; Patriotic cookies; Turkey Nuggets; Cheese spread, Jalapeno; Tortillas; Candy II; Mocha cappuccino; Accessory packet B; Spoon; Flameless ration heater; Hot beverage bag.

A classic from the 2012 season. Our current favorite, not least because my old HQ platoon sergeant used to call it “Bubbleguts Chicken” because it gave him terrible gas. The chicken itself is not bad, tasting like a tangy mix between used zentai and infected foot blister. The rice is good although the beans look more like benign polyps removed from Ronald Reagan’s colon. The turkey nuggets are sure to be a hit at a haunted house when you want to simulate shrunken testicles. And I’ve never felt more patriotic than eating the patriotic cookies. Make sure you drink the mocha cappuccino while you smoke a Miami brand cigarette to achieve that true gastric zenith. Only downside is Accessory Packet B, which does not include coffee. How am I supposed to stay awake on watch if I can’t shove those grounds in my lip like snuff? And I can’t figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do with these tortillas. Whip them at my Mexican commo sergeant maybe.

All menu listings from Lee Ho Fuk, Epic Blunder, and Jack S. McQuack heroically volunteered their own mortal GI tracts to contribute to this article.

Air Force

B-52 crew relieved for drawing self portraits



MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, N.D. — Controversy erupted when a local commander relieved a B-52 crew for creating what could be either penis pictures or crew self portraits, sources confirmed today.

“We found drawings on a B-52 navigation computer of five phallic-shaped objects,” base spokesman Maj. “Needle” Dick Johnson said. “The Air Force policy is clear — cockpits are no places for dick depictions.”

The sky penis, a phallic shaped symbol made using contrails, took off in popularity after a pilot at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island used his aircraft to create the image. The atmospheric art has since been recreated multiple times, although the Air Force has yet to create its own version.

“I’ll admit that we envied the attention that Navy and Marine Corps aviators got for flying in formations that resembled penises,” commander of the accused B-52 crew,” Capt. Rodney “Ramrod” Schwantz, said. “I was absolutely deflated about not being able to maneuver my aircraft in the same way. Those air dorks are big and visible, and we all know that in sky writing, size matters.”

“But we’re getting shafted for no reason,” Schwantz added. “Our missions are long and hard, so we need ways to entertain ourselves. After our navigator took a life drawing class at the learning center, he sketched some pictures on our navigation computer showing us as a crew. It’s art, not a dick pic.”

The base command pushed back at the idea the drawings constituted art.

“Art my ass,” said Maj. Johnson. “Those drawings are obviously penises. They’re multiple shapes and sizes, bulbous on top with round objects underneath resembling testicles.”

The flight crew maintained that the images were merely self-portraits, and the command had misconstrued the drawings.

“The drawings show us preparing for a mission,” Capt. Schawntz said. “We’re wearing our flight helmets, and those ‘round objects’ are our kit bags of equipment. Is it our fault that we all stand tall and straight? Except our weapons officer, Lt. Chubbie, who’s kind of short and wide. We mistook him for a 55-gallon drum once. His call sign isn’t ‘Tuna Can’ for nothing.”

Johnson admitted that the crew may have a point.

“It’s possible that the Air Force is applying its penis picture policy in an indiscriminate, one could say, ‘drunken, manner,'” Johnson said. “We should probably apply it with more skill and dedication and probably with a follow up call the next day, or at least a text.

Regardless, navigator 1st Lt. Ron Chubbie intends to enter the crew portraits/penile depictions in a local amateur aviation art contest.

“The contest judges include Navy and Marine Corps aviators,” Chubbie said. “They’ll definitely appreciate my style.”

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Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity



CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

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Troops in Afghanistan heartbroken after Speaker Pelosi’s visit cancelled



BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.

President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president cancel or delay his State of the Union address, citing security concerns. The bus filled with congressman was stopped at the way to Joint Base Andrews where military aircraft were prepared to carry the representatives to Afghanistan.

“It’s terrible,” Staff Sgt. Paul Morin said. “They were going to cancel the vehicle inspection so we could all go shake her hand for six seconds, but then we had to clean all the vehicles three times.”

“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.”

Some service members seemed confused as to who the current House speaker actually is.

“Pelosi? Of course I’m upset she didn’t come,” Sgt. Frank Lauer said. “She’s the hot Puerto-Rican one right?”

“They were going to get an exhaustive, in depth tour of Afghanistan too,” Capt. Christopher Yu said of the oncoming delegation. “The air field, the chow hall, the hangar where we keep the drones we still have control over, the briefing room, the other chow hall. They were going to get to talk to soldiers and airmen who aren’t allowed to leave the wire and the seven Afghans who still have the clearance to come in here. I don’t know how they’re going to be able to make any decisions about a country we have been in for seventeen years without that experience.”

The outrage over the canceled trip extended to the top of the chain of command.

“I’ll be honest,” the commander of Operation Resolute Support, Army Gen. Austin S. Miller, said. “I am upset. I was looking forward to giving all those congressmen my assessment of the situation and my guidance moving forward but now I suppose I’ll have to do a video conference … or send it in an e-mail.”

Congressional delegation fact-finding missions to wartime theaters have a long tradition of effectiveness. The trajectory of the Vietnam War was changed in 1965 when Gov. George Romney was brainwashed by the Phoenix Program, and in 2006, the Iraq Study Group certified the country as a stable democracy after a layover at Al Asad Air Base.

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Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same



Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial




WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

  • All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
  • Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
  • Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
  • Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
  • Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

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Supreme Court torches appeal in giant, toxic burn pit on front steps



Supreme Court building provided by Supreme
Site of the Federal government's latest toxic burn pit. (Source: U.S. Supreme Court)

Washington — In a stern rebuke to 60 veterans’ lawsuits, all eight fuctioning Supreme Court justices dismissed “burn pit” appeals by torching them in a massive blaze on the front steps of the court’s building Monday.

The military used burn pits, located in Afghanistan and Iraq, to destroy waste, including batteries, tires and millions of collection agency letters, as well as evidence of extra-marital affairs and bribe-taking from Fat Leonard. The burn pits have been linked to illnesses in thousands of veterans.

The eight justices lit a humongous inferno at the steps of the high court that cremated the concerns of thousands of veterans suffering from cancer, tumors and asthma. 

While liberal-leaning justices set the conflagration with fast-burning JP4 jet fuel, conservatives preferred to dump drums of old-school kerosene. A resulting “firenado” was seen for miles across Washington, prompting hundreds of 911 calls to the Taxation Without Representation Police Department.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg did not participate. Law clerks reportedly whisked her away before Justices Thomas and Gorsuch added her to the fire.

“This isn’t a funeral pyre despite what Faux News wants you to think,”a Ginsburg law clerk told reporters. “She’s not even technically dead, just mentally, and that’s not the same thing.” The clerk then clarified that Ginsburg is being pickled by wine, not embalming fluid.

As hazardous fumes wafted across the District, Toxins overwhelmed both unfurloughed Department of Homeland Security employees still manning its 24/7 National Operations Center as hazardous fumes wafted across the area. The two reportedly became overwhelmed by toxins (or by having to work for no pay). They left the center to seek medical treatment and to beg food from homeless people they used to ignore.

In addition to relieving the nation of noxious burn pit lawsuits, the Court also charred pending cases deemed supremely tiring to the public. The cases included yet another gun rights fight, another suit targeting cake-bakers case, and a decade-old argument that Lady Gaga is untalented no matter how much money she makes.

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Woman who sent 65,000 text messages after one date tapped for recruiting duty



PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters, sources with U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) confirmed today.

Jacqueline Ades achieved widespread notoriety after bombarding one man’s phone with 65,000 text messages after a single date.

“Ms. Ades demonstrated the unwavering tenacity that we expect of our recruiters,” said Maj. Huey Thomas, a spokesman for USAREC. “Her knack for establishing contact at the most inconvenient times, along with her impressive inability to read social cues and never take ‘no’ for an answer are exactly what the Army needs as we plow blindly into our eighteenth year of sustained warfare.”

Despite having never attended Army basic training, Ades feels that recruiting duty is her calling.

“Once I see something I want, I don’t ever give up,” she smiled unblinkingly. “Ever.”

Ades has already exceeded Army recruitment quotas for Maricopa County by 400 percent since becoming a recruiter last week, though her prospects have been exclusively male.

“I signed up for college and trade skills and stuff, but mostly because [Ades] scares the shit out of me,” said Toby Webster, 19, from Chandler.

At press time, Ades was seen laying in front of a bus full of recruits attempting to depart for boot camp.

Don’t ever leave me! I’ll kill you!” she cried.

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Air Force

ISIS unfollows STRATCOM on Twitter after offensive New Year’s tweet



Offutt Air Force Base, Neb. – The terrorist group ISIS has “unfollowed” the U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter after suffering mental anguish by recent STRATCOM messaging, possibly taking information warfare to a new direction, sources confirm today.

The ISIS move is a reaction to a Dec. 31, 2018, STRATCOM tweet that stated as the famed ball dropped on Times Square, the Command remained ready to “drop something much, much bigger.” A video of a B-2 aircraft dropping bombs accompanied the tweet. STRATCOM deleted it after complaints about its aggressive message.

ISIS released the statement criticizing the video.

“In the name of Allah, the most merciful, we will no longer follow the criminal crusader U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter,” the statement reads. “The images STRATCOM tweeted on New Year’s Eve, threatening to drop bombs on our brethren, was hurtful and frightening. Several of our brothers who viewed it have already scheduled emergency sessions with their therapists. The tweet also disturbed our enjoyment of the Ryan Seacrest New Year’s Times Square special.”

STRATCOM questioned ISIS’ response in a press conference.

“Our information warfare team is examining the ISIS announcement for any hidden messages to followers.” public affairs officer Capt. Pamela Vasquez said. “We’re also analyzing the possibility that ISIS is acting like a big international wuss.”

“We constantly tweet splashy pictures of B-1s, B-2s, B-52s, ICBMs, aircraft of all types, heavily armed Airmen, and nuclear submarines –  basically an endless advertisement of our ability to deliver nuclear annihilation at any place of our time and choosing,” Vasquez added. “If those tweets didn’t scare anyone, we weren’t doing our job. So we’re not sure why ISIS or anybody else is butthurt over our one measly New Year’s message.”

“What do people think our bombers do?” Vasquez questioned.“Despite the press stories last year, military aircraft are know for killing people, not just drawing contrail dicks in the sky.”

The STRATCOM Twitter home page indicates that the command still has over 98,000 followers despite the ISIS departure.

“We hope ISIS re-follows us soon, because we’re planning some great imaging for President’s Day depicting George Washington and Abraham Lincoln turning the launch keys on an ICBM that people should really enjoy,”  Vasquez said.

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