Duffel Blog sits down with Navy SEAL and part-time wedding planner, Matt Sharpe, for the inside scoop on planning a shower like an operator.
“So, your bestie is getting hitched, and you want to throw the perfect (and hopefully only) bridal shower for that lucky little whore,” Sharpe says. “These are my top tips for getting the shower on and off the X.”
1. Constantly develop your skill set. Start by learning to make a respectable cosmo, you skank.
“If you want to ritz it up like some prissy broad from Sex and the City, or feel like you’re living out some hackneyed romantic comedy, you damn well better drink like you’re in one,” Sharpe says. That all begins with the right cocktail, and there’s no drink better suited for your clique of vapid valley girls masking their envy underneath a palpable façade of false cheer than a little bit of vodka, triple sec and cranberry juice.
“It’s especially great if you’re on your period,” Sharpe adds. “And I’m not a pussy.”
2. Control the battlespace by making sure everyone you invite is uglier than you. Even the bride. Especially the bride.
This will ensure your dominance, and also keep the bride in check. Domination is essentially 90% hair and 10% flair, in the words of Sharpe, who is also a part-time hairdresser. “As a Navy SEAL, it’s utterly crucial to have complete and total control during any situation, and if you think bridal showers are any different, you just became a casualty,” Sharpe says.
“The bride is likely to be riding a blissful wave of elation during this incredibly exciting and emotional time in her life, which could lead to some poor tactical decisions in the heat of the moment,” he adds, “so do that twat a favor and knock her down a peg or three.”
3. Be mentally tough and never quit.
It’s no secret that SEAL training is the most difficult in the world – just type “Navy SEAL” into the search bar on Amazon or YouTube, or pick up a copy of the latest tell-all being released in five minutes.
“I’ve had to depend on my training countless times during my career as a wedding planner,” says Sharpe. “Nowadays, with all these wedding shows on reality TV, every little girl in America wants to be a rootin’-tootin’, highfalutin, party-schmoozin’, venue-choosin’ wedding planner. It’s a highly competitive, cutthroat occupation, and BUD/S was the foundation I built my success upon; I wouldn’t be here now if I was a quitter.”
“Chances are, the bride’s alcoholic mother or train wreck, slut of a sister is going to try to sabotage your special day by ‘helping’ you plan the shower. If you’re not mentally tough, save yourself the trouble and tell your friend to have a courthouse wedding,” advises Sharpe.
4. Fuck the groom.
“This is something that can actually occur long before or after the bridal shower, but the idea is to seamlessly integrate into the relationship. Should something happen to home girl, like getting pregnant, you’re there to fill that hole in her man’s life,” Sharpe says. “Think of it as a litmus test – with your vagina. By becoming intimate with the groom, you’ll know without a doubt whether or not he’s the right man for your best friend.”
Be sure to check out Matt Sharpe’s bestselling book, Warrior Wedding: Forging an Elite Union You Won’t Be Able to Shut the Fuck Up About.