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Marine Corps

Opinion: My Worthless Marines Are My Heroes

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – I’ve watched a lot of Marines come and go over the years. Some Marines just want to do their term, then get out and go to college (traitors). Others realize the Marine Corps isn’t a good fit for them, but they’re wrong. They weren’t a good fit for the Marine Corps. A very select and elite few stay in to become leaders.

They choose to become part of the very fabric of the enduring history of the Corps. It’s very special brotherhood, a life guided by the phrase Semper Fidelis. It means “always faithful” and that’s what real Marines are: a fraternity of men and women who ride for the brand. A brand that distinguishes itself by fighting for right and freedom, and keeping its honor clean. It’s a brand that will never hesitate to do what’s right.

I myself have the distinct honor to command a group of modern day heroes. There has never been such a collection of worthless alcoholic, drug popping, sex offending liberty risks in Marine Corps history.

I can’t understand why they don’t take more pride in being Marines. All day long I hear, “Staff Sergeant, it’s 1700. Can we go home yet?” “Staff Sergeant, why are we working late on another Friday? It’s not like we’re going to deploy.” “It’s snowing outside Staff Sergeant, do we really have to go PT?”

Son of a bitch! If the Marine Corps wanted you to go home, they would have put out a MARADMIN. What is home anyway? It’s an empty apartment my whore wife abandoned when she left me. I don’t care if you never see your families. I never saw mine. It’s why she divorced me. Some days I truly pity her, having to live the rest of her days knowing she just couldn’t measure up to the awesome responsibilities that come with the Marine life. Live forever bitch – you couldn’t make the cut.

My daily tasks and duties are monumental and I shoulder them with pride. My shop would fall apart if I even left it for a moment. I have to come in two hours before everyone else just to PT and make it a point to be the very last one to leave the office every day. Seriously, what would happen if the phone rang and no one was here to answer it? The Marines need to see me outperforming them even in the most mundane and banal of tasks, particularly if it’s just staring at a monitor for 14 hours.

Training the next generation of leaders is a challenge I have little hope of surmounting. My dumb corporal is always walking around with a smile on his face. What the hell does he think he’s doing? Does he really think he’s some kind of leader? “Friendly” isn’t a leadership trait. Last month I gave him a simple directive running just forty pages and he couldn’t carry it out. Where’s the warrior spirit?

They don’t appreciate true leadership. When one of my lance corporals called me to say he got a DUI, I was the one who bailed him out of jail. Then I charged him with violation of Articles 86, 92, 111, 116, 134 and informed him he was a worthless piece of shit. I could care less if civil authorities ended up dismissing all the charges. Unlike them, I’ve got zero tolerance for turds. One day they’ll understand when they become real Marines like me.

All week long the Captain releases the Marines over my objections and they leave without my permission. Guess we’re going to have ourselves a motivating Indian Run tomorrow until everyone falls out or pukes. Nothing builds unit cohesion and camaraderie like some hard-charging physical training. That and the Marines need to see they are weak and need hardening to become the physical embodiment of badassery that I am.

It’s 20:00 hours, time to inspect the evening clean up, jack some steel in the gym, then head on home to iron my wrinkle free cammies and feed the cat.

I’ve been utterly blessed with the opportunity to lead and mentor Marines. Whiny, useless, entitled, war tourists that they are. God bless them all. Semper Fi!

The writer is a Staff Sergeant at the Installation Personnel Administration Center (IPAC) aboard Camp Lejeune.

See Also: Outgoing Company Commander: ‘I Hate You All’

Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter Lee Ho Fuk also contributed to this report.

Marine Corps

Hero Pfc. spends entire enlistment at dental

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Marine Dental pfc

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A heroic private first class from the Second Marine Division was awarded the Silver Star this week after spending his entire enlistment at dental, sources say.

Sullivan was credited with “conspicuous endontistry in action against daunting dental readiness reports,” according to his award citation. After nearly three years in the unit, Pfc. Damon Sullivan managed to miss every single training event and deployment to have his teeth cleaned, capped, and crowned.

“Medical readiness comes first,” said his platoon sergeant Staff Sgt. Benny Gibson. “Pfc. Sullivan’s actions represent the pinnacle of the Marine Corps values of honor, courage, and commitment. There isn’t a Marine out here who has the dental health that he does.”

The citation states his battalion was facing a relentless assault of dental and annual training hit lists. On his own initiative, Sullivan bore the brunt of the attack, charging headlong into no less than 200 teeth cleanings and routine check-ups, often having multiple appointments in a single day.

“The ongoing wars throughout the Middle East and challenges from resurgent peer competitors can cause us to overlook the everyday heroics of men like Pfc. Sullivan,” said Marine Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. “Marines like him are out there grinding, day in and day out, to ensure our nation’s teeth don’t rot.”

“The only thing cleaner than his teeth is his honor,” Neller added.

At press time, Sullivan was forced to reschedule his award ceremony due to an appointment to have a filling replaced.

 

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Marines send homemade cards, letters to Mattis on first Father’s Day apart

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WASHINGTON — Marines across the active and reserve force have sent letters and homemade cards to former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis for Father’s Day, sources confirmed today.

Officials confirmed they became aware of the card writing activity within the ranks when an unusual number of requests came in for construction paper, glitter glue, and puff paint from Marines worldwide.

Pentagon spokesman Daniel Hazelrig confirmed the DoD was both aware and supportive of the cards and characterized them as “absolutely heartbreaking.”

“The cards are cute but it really makes you feel for these young Marines,” said Hazelrig. “So many messages asking if it’s their fault, what they did wrong, and promising to be more lethal if Mattis will just come home. It really tugs at your heartstrings.”

Mattis resigned from his post in December of 2018 in a move which Pentagon officials at the time characterized as a “trial separation” and which Mattis explained to the Marine Corps as, “running out for a pack of smokes.”

Since then the retired general has moved out to California, rented an apartment and is currently spending a disconcerting amount of time hanging out with college students while claiming to be “living [his] best life.”

Members of the Corps explain that while they enjoy having two Christmases, it isn’t the same without Mattis around and affirmed their reluctance to call Acting Secretary Shanahan “Dad,” despite repeated requests from the president.

Units initiated the card writing campaign after a plot to have Mattis and the Pentagon both visit the border wall with Mexico and initiate something called “Operation Parent Trap” fell through.

Meanwhile, defense officials plan to allow the Marine Corps to spend the weekend sleeping over at the retired general’s home.

“Last time we were there he let us stay up late and watch Die Hard which was pretty awesome,” said one junior Marine.

According to one official, if the troops are good, Mattis intends to allow them to watch a VHS of Conan the Barbarian before bed which, multiple sources confirm, “totally has boobs in it.”

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All Marines are rifleman first, according to Marine who is admin clerk second

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Making copies

WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military Occupational Specialty is as an Admin Clerk—“not at all like a secretary,” according to Vance—spends virtually all day, every day typing.

Vance’s comments confused several partygoers, who were uncertain whether that meant Vance’s admin clerk duties were of secondary focus and if being a “rifleman first” had any impact on the young Marine’s actual schedule.

“I asked him what his job was and he said the rifleman thing from movies, but he didn’t really elaborate,” said Vance’s classmate Will Shields. “When I asked him what he meant, he said something about ‘lions not being concerned with the opinions of sheep’ and walked off.”

Sources confirm that Vance stood out among at the party thanks to his cargo shorts, tucked in Grunt Style t-shirt, dog tags worn over said shirt, and exceptionally pale skin characteristic of someone who lives his life under industrial fluorescent lighting.

Vance spoke at length about what it’s like to be a “living weapon” and to “know you can kill everyone in the room if you have to.” Since completing Marine basic training and earning his eagle, globe, and anchor, Vance has spent the majority of his time in the service handling admin actions as part of his unit’s S1 administrative division. Such actions include filing paperwork, filling out paperwork, taking calls, and not allowing his fellow Marines to sign out on leave.

Vance’s fellow Marines unit confirm that Vance’s training since leaving Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island has not included any specific courses in tracking enemy combatants across the desert, snapping a man’s neck like it was nothing, or something Vance vaguely referred to Saturday as “insane-o mode.”

Despite the “lean mean killing machine’s” apparent lack of formal training in advanced combatives and tactics, multiple party guests confirmed that Vance responded to a question asking if he had ever killed by saying “Not yet” completely without irony.

He then went on to explain that if he did deploy and if an ISIS fighter assaulted his forward operating base, and if said fighter were to make his way past the FOB’s outer defenses, and if they were to then fight through the other units on base, and if said terrorist were then to enter the Battalion Headquarters, and if they were to then make their way to the S1 shop, he would, “totally end that motherfucker.”

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Marines open remedial ‘Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants’

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Fuji Viper Corporal's Course
Photo Credit: U.S. Marine Corps

QUANTICO, Va.—Staff Sergeants looking to brush up on—or, honestly, learn—the fundamentals of their profession will have a brand new opportunity with the Marine Corps’ new remedial Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants (CCFSS), starting next month at Marine Corps University.

The course is aimed at Staff Sergeants who, for whatever reason, are unable to function at the minimum level of competency the Marine Corps expects of a Corporal.

CCFSS will feature an intensive ten week program focusing on the basics of leadership, drill, physical fitness, proper appearance, and any of the dozens of other core tasks most Marines learn during their several weeks at Corporals Course and then forget just as quickly.

“Over the last few years we’ve been seeing a growing number of overweight and under-motivated Staff Sergeants coming through our Career Course,” Maj. Gen. William Mullen, head of Training and Education Command, told Duffel Blog.

“These are Marines who‘ve been in for over a decade, yet they can’t make weight, follow simple instructions, or even keep themselves clean-shaven,” Mullen said. “We found we were spending too much of Career Course doing remedial programs for things they honestly should have learned in Recruit Training.’

According to Mullen the Marine Corps originally planned to just send designated Staff Sergeants back through Recruit Training, but several experimental classes never even checked in, and an investigation has still not uncovered where they spent those three months—or how they were all awarded Navy Achievement Medals.

While the Marine Corps has been able to remove substandard non-commissioned officers through time in service limitations, substandard staff non-commissioned officers have historically been allowed to served a full 20 years for retirement purposes.

The result is a large number of Marines categorized as “Lazy, Inefficient, Fat, and Expecting Retirement,” or LIFER.

Although the Marines began two separate programs in 2012 to convinced LIFERs to get out early—Voluntary Separation Pay and Temporary Early Retirement Authority—CCFSS is a recognition that there are still too many LIFERs in the ranks who just won’t get out.

Based on the overwhelmingly favorable response MCU has already been getting from Fleet units, Mullen said not to be surprised if in the coming years the program is expanded to include Corporals Course for Gunnery Sergeants, Corporals Course for Master Sergeants, and Corporals Course for Master Gunnery Sergeants.

See Also: Lance Corporals Course Honor Graduate Receives ‘Honorary NJP’

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Marine Corps

Helicopter parents won’t insert son at hot LZ

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CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ.

“Martin knows the rules of our hangar. No screen time after 4 p.m., no driving over 45 knots and no firefights. I think any parent would agree I’m being reasonable,” Sirkorsky’s father, Huey, told reporters.

Huey’s wife Lakota looked up from the baby monitor she has in her cockpit with a live feed from a GoPro on Sikorsky’s chest rig.

“If Martin is having problems with the Taliban, all he has to do is give me a CAS 9-line, and I will speak to their mothers to get this sorted out,” Lakota said.

Sikorsky’s parents were going to allow him on the mission until they received word of an enemy RPK team in the northwest corner of the hasty LZ. Normally, they are fine with their son being exposed to medium machine gun fire. Although he is not vaccinated against 7.62, Huey and Lakota rely on a mix of essential oils to keep Sikorsky safe. However, since arriving in Afghanistan, they have been unable to find a Whole Foods that sells coconut and eucalyptus oil.

Sikorsky said he was heartbroken he could not insert with his guys and get in on the TIC. Like most 18-year-olds, he worries about the effects of his protective parents.

“How am I supposed to have a social life without my own CAR?” he said.

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New Marine Commandant to bring back rolled trousers

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WASHINGTON — The next Commandant of the Marine Corps has announced that the first policy he’ll instate when he takes the helm this summer is to bring back the beloved tradition of rolling trouser legs.

“From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, Marines have proudly rolled their pantaloons on many a foreign shore,” said Lt. Gen. David Berger. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, ‘Sir, when will we go back to trousers up?’ Well, Marines, your leadership has listened. It’s high time to show off those calves.”

This isn’t the first time a long-standing Marine tradition has been cancelled, only to be brought back years later. In 2011, then-Commandant Gen. James Amos infamously got rid of rolled sleeves for the entire Corps. Amid complaints from the rank-and-file, he brought them back in 2014.

“Trousers up is clearly what sets us apart visually as Marines,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald Green. “And now there will be no more skipping leg day. Any Marines who have been doing their squats and calf raises will welcome this change, I’m sure.”

Marines will be required to roll their trousers in the spring and summer months and will revert to “trousers down” in the winter.

“I remember during the Gulf War, if the Iraqis saw a flash of trouser cuff and shin they would instantly retreat,” said Berger. “If we’re going to win against near-peer competitors, that’s what we need to get back to.”

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Make-A-Wish kid spends day as a Marine standing in line at the armory

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kid-armory

TWENTYNINE PALMS, California — When eight year-old Conrad Greeley found out his leukemia was terminal, his family immediately contacted the Make-A-Wish foundation since he always wanted to spend a day living out his childhood dream of joining the Marine Corps.

Luckily, Make-A-Wish came through, and on Tuesday, Conrad met up with 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment’s Easy Company at 0400 outside the armory. The company was drawing weapons to verify serial numbers for the third time that week.

As per his family’s request, the Marines treated Conrad just like any other Junior Enlisted Warrior, with Cpl. Sean Casey assigned as his team leader for the day. He took the boy under his wing immediately, officials said.

“I tried to teach him how to spin up a CASEVAC 9-line but he couldn’t figure it out,” Casey said. “At least his hair is in regs.”

At 0630, the armory gates opened and Marines flooded in. As the smallest and newest boot, Conrad dutifully assumed his place at the back of the line. At 1100, just as he was getting close to the window, the armorers cut for chow.

When they came back at 1300, Conrad was informed they couldn’t issue him a rifle because Gunny hadn’t signed his weapons cards. After standing by aimlessly until 1700 for his team leader to tell him what to do, it was time for Conrad to head home.

Conrad walked away from his short time in the Marine Corps with a new perspective on life.

“Today made me feel a lot better. I used to be sad I would never get to grow up and be a Marine. Now I’d rather just die.”

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Marine Corps

JLTVs deadlined due to faulty cassette deck

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QUANTICO, Va. — Brig. Gen. Arthur J. Pasagian, commander of Marine Corps Systems Command, announced today that all Joint Tactical Vehicles (JLTVs), the replacement for the Humvee, would be deadlined across the service after field testing revealed a dangerous defect with their cassette decks.

This decision comes after reports that cassette tape decks in new JLTVs were spontaneously combusting after three or four uses.

Oshkosh Defense, who holds the contract to make JLTVs, released a statement claiming that they “are not liable for this issue.”

“We wanted to equip the JLTV with an aux cord and Bluetooth technology, but the geniuses at DOD Acquisitions insisted we go with a tape deck because ‘that’s how the kids like to listen these days,’” the statement reads.

Lance Cpl. Conrad Gardner of 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines was injured in an incident with a JLTV’s tape deck.

“My driver and I were listening to some Raffi, because those are the only cassettes I own,” he drawled. “Then, out of nowhere, that cassette player just exploded in our faces. These vehicles are dangerous. I’d be safer flying in an Osprey.

The effects of downing so many JLTVs at once are being felt far beyond the motor pool and the decision makers in Quantico. Marines arriving at the 7th Regiment Command Post in Twentynine Palms today encountered a Jonestown-like scene. Dozens of staff officers were sprawled dead on the ground, unable to cope with the atrocious vehicle readiness numbers.

The JLTV program cost $23 billion, with a per unit sticker price of nearly $450,000.

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