FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A recent Army survey conducted among combat arms soldiers indicates that humor involving the weight and sexual proclivities of soldiers’ mothers was 62 percent funnier if the mother in question was dead.
“This report really confirms what a lot of our respondents have known to be true for quite some time,” lead researcher Dr. Phil Morgan told Duffel Blog. “The quality of data collected also shines an important light on the sort of coping mechanisms used by troops with the most dangerous jobs in the military. In the end, we’re hoping this will help service a huge number of troops.”
“Your mom helped service a huge number of troops,” added Research Assistant Adam Douglas.
“Gallows humor, or ‘galgenhumor’ as it was originally coined by the Germans, has long been associated with military service,” Dr. Morgan continued. “In many instances, soldiers learn to cognitively re-frame hardship and use it to their benefit, and sometimes pleasure. You can really look at this as an example of Army Values like duty and personal courage.”
“Your mom wasn’t an example of the Army Values when she surrendered to lymphoma,” Douglas chortled from the back of the room.
The study was conducted in a closed laboratory in which two volunteers were taken from each participating unit. One volunteer was known to have a living mother who was well known as a “nice lady” for sending care packages and group letters from her church. The second volunteer was selected from among the soldiers whose mothers were dead.
The two subjects were then exposed to a series of comical observations regarding their mother’s overall fatness and deviant sex acts they would undertake with humans and animals. Regardless of the volunteer’s reactions to the humor, jokes directed at the dead mom were consistently rated funnier than the ones picking on the nice, alive mom.
The study also found that about five percent of all jokes were ruined by some douchebag who wasn’t even a part of the conversation. Said douchebag was that guy who had a shitty mom, spent a bunch of time in foster care, and is still butthurt about it for some reason. The study concluded that nearly 100 percent of subjects whose jokes were ruined by the douchebag indicated that “this is why no one likes you.”
Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) used in conjunction with the study showed that pleasure centers in the brain registered higher dopamine levels in subjects who got to make fun of people’s slutty dead moms.
“Prior to this study, our line of research into emotional coping mechanisms had gone cold,” Dr. Morgan said. “It is my hope, with further analysis, we can milk some tangible benefits from this line of inquiry in the future.”
“I milked your mom while she was cold,” Douglass added. “It tasted gross.”