Happy April Fools’ Day! It’s that glorious time of year when you can pull some epic pranks on your friends, and we’ve looked far and wide for the ones that troops absolutely love. Here they are:
1. Spray paint your buddy’s car in camouflage and then blame it on some homeless guy who lives in an alleyway around the corner from the base. If your buddy does what you think he’s going to do, he’ll play a huge prank on the homeless guy by beating the shit out of him. Double April Fools’ WIN!
2. Remove all the lug nuts from your commanding officer’s government vehicle. But make sure you leave one on by a few threads. Boy, will he be surprised at 65 mph.
3. Bang your buddy’s wife. Most of you are already doing so (along with one-third of the population of Fayetteville, N.C.), but if you aren’t, then April Fools’ is a perfect excuse.
4. Shoot your friend in the foot with your service rifle. Oh man, that’ll really surprise the shit out of him. Extra points if you say, “I got you good, you fucker!”
5. Attend a military funeral and during “Taps,” shout out “Stolen valor!” This one is sure to make that dead guy cringe.
6. Swap out your buddy’s ammo with empty magazines right before he leaves the wire, then go wait in the Tactical Operations Center (TOC). When he calls up desperately begging for resupply, grab the mic and yell “April Fools, you fucker!” If he makes it back alive then he’ll definitely laugh his ass off.
7. When your friend tries to sit down on a nearby chair, pull it out from underneath him and then, when he’s on the floor, slam him in the face with it. Instead of yelling out “Kill!” like during normal military martial-arts moves, shout out “April Fools!” and laugh! He’ll think it’s HILARIOUS.
8. Yell out “Allah Akbar!” at the top of your lungs and roll a flash bang grenade into your buddy’s tent on the FOB. If he doesn’t shit his pants or shoot you in the chest after this prank, you may have done it wrong.
9. Invade a Middle Eastern country. Some might say this one is played out, but this prank is absolutely epic! If you want to beat President George W. Bush’s attempt at this prank in 2003 when he invaded Iraq, you should definitely try out Syria!
Lee Ho Fuk, Jack S. McQuack, Maxx Butthurt, and Mike contributed reporting.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.