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Following Top Secret Leak, David Petraeus Reinstated As CIA Director, Given Backpay

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David Petraeus

WASHINGTON — David Petraeus has been reinstated as CIA Director and given $2.2 million in backpay following new legislation that decriminalizes the leak of top secret information, as long as it is done by people who have deep political connections or fame.

Congress unanimously passed legislation on Friday that takes into account a convicted person’s sociopolitical rank before passing sentence on a convicted criminal, particularly when it comes to matters of national security. In this controversial bill, lawmakers standardized the long-standing practice of allowing high-ranking political and military figures to break the law without any fear of the consequences, which has inspired a collective sigh of relief from nearly everyone in authority anywhere.

The bill, which quickly passed in both the House and the Senate, establishes a complicated algorithm by which sentences for crimes are reduced based on a number of factors, such as net worth, political clout, number of active lobbyists making trips to their family pool, and degrees of separation from the Kennedy family.

The release of classified information — information, “the unauthorized disclosure of which reasonably could be expected to cause exceptionally grave damage to the national security” — received its own amendment in the bill. The amendment decriminalizes the release of highly-sensitive national security information by high-ranking military retirees or political leaders for the purposes of impressing friends at bars, delivering the punchline to a really good joke, or saying something ignorant during a press conference.

“People are making a big deal about this law,” President Obama said after signing the bill, “but we’re just putting on paper what we’ve been doing forever. If you look at it that way, it kind of looks like Congress is finally getting organized about something.”

The law comes just in time for the now-reinstated CIA Director David Petraeus, who was convicted of revealing classified information to solidify his chances at lovemaking — another caveat present in the bill’s amendment — but received no jail time for his actions.

“Come on,” Petraeus said in an interview, making a “honk-honk” groping gesture with both his hands. “Did you see that chick? Totally worth it. Definitely going to miss that $200,000, though. That’s like, a couple weeks’ pay, right there.”

Former CIA officer John Kiriakou, who failed to lead the surge in Iraq or rise to director of the agency before he leaked classified information, was not available for comment.

“These high-level, connected guys, a lot of them have less life left to live, you know?” one senior official wrote, in a document leaked to Duffel Blog reporters. “They just can’t afford to spend their retirement in jail. It wouldn’t be fair. A private or low-level analyst, on the other hand … well, someone has to be made an example of. And they’ll have plenty of life ahead of him after he serves his 30 years in prison for leaving an intel report in his backpack when he left post.”

In an unrelated story, an unnamed member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence was caught on a hot mic saying he wanted “[Edward Snowden’s] ass fried.”

Joe Zieja, a veteran of the USAF, is an author and voice actor in Los Angeles. His first book, MECHANICAL FAILURE released in June 2016, and the sequel, COMMUNICATION FAILURE was released in November 2017. It's basically a giant Duffel Blog article, and is available at Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and other retailers. You can check out his voice work and books at www.joezieja.com or follow @JoeZieja on Twitter.

Air Force

Air Force decreases deployments to Afghanistan to a 3-hour tour

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PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch.

“These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm high.” said Wilson. “We’ll put America’s Airmen on expertly skippered three-hour tours.”

“A three-hour tour,” echoed Wilson’s aide.

The shortened tours are expected to increase the likelihood of Air Force Reserve personnel with unique civilian skill sets – such as professors, movie stars, millionaires, and millionaires’ wives – to volunteer for deployments.

“We used to require lengthy pre-deployment training,” Wilson added. “Today’s airmen don’t even need to pack. They’ll be on the ground for three hours.”

Wilson, who also introduced the new C-130M Minnow, emphasized how easy it was to get out of Afghanistan efficiently before concluding the press conference.

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Contractor Who Never Served Showing All The Trappings Of A True Vet Bro

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique, he has never actually served in the military, sources confirm today.

Mark Snufflepuff has never let that stop him, though, pushing the boundaries of what may or may not be considered stolen valor. He retains the right to blanket his social media with cringeworthy pro-American memes, pictures of his pre-workout, and his ability to make bad financial decisions.

“Vet culture is American culture. I don’t see really any difference from me and the guys pulling the triggers,” Snufflepuff said. “Hell no, I’ve never left the office. Well, the office and the gym. And the DFAC, massage parlor, Pizza Hut, the usual.”

Snufflepuff has created an exhaustive to-do list after waking up from his post-deployment hangovers. It includes physical therapy appointments for bad knees he acquired from lifting with Special Forces, Tinder dates he’s lined up, and stocking up on bottled water so he can continue to build his pyramid of spit bottles.

“I had to stop going out with him. He wears Affliction T-shirts, running shoes when he goes to the club, and always has a set of dog tags hanging out,” said Staff Sgt. Jack Spitty, one of Mark’s many friends on Facebook. “He has a higher high fade than I do. It was cool when I was an E4, but now I can’t bring myself to be around him.”

Snufflepuff is also excited to start a new t-shirt company, or brewery, or whatever. Whatever he thinks he will be able to market against his fellow vet bros, to paraphrase his rambling responses.

“I pay my taxes. I’m no different from them. Got my 5.11 clothes, finishing up the paperwork on this third divorce, and I think I’ll use the cash from this last deployment to rock a little further down my arm with this sick ink,” Snufflepuff said, pointing to his tribal tattoo on his right arm.

He’s deployed for now but can’t wait to get back stateside so he can practice his real calling: alcoholism.

DuffelBlog correspondent Danger Close also contributed to this article.

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Air Force

Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather

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WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before

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veteran

BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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Marine Corps

God forgets to capitalize ‘Marine’

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HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”

His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.

“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.

“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”

Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”

“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.

“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.

While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”

“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.

“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.

At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”

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Duffel Blog Presents: 26 mythological creatures the troops have heard of but never seen

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If you’ve spent any significant amount of time in the military, you’ve no doubt heard some urban legends and rumors related to the service. These might include sightings of various mythological creatures associated with the military and veteran communities – ones we suspect may exist, like Bigfoot or Nessie, but which have never been confirmed by science. Duffel Blog’s cryptozoology team has compiled a list of the top 26 cryptids we all suspect might be lurking in the wild.

1. A living, breathing chief warrant officer 5
2. A Marine veteran who doesn’t post moto memes on his/her wall after transitioning
3. A retired general/flag officer who doesn’t work for a think-tank or defense contractor
4. A military spouse who legitimately runs a small business
5. An infantryman with a middle-class job lined up after ETSing
6. A special operator who votes Democrat
7. An intelligence analyst who votes Republican
8. An active duty serviceman who keeps going to church after basic training
9. A veteran who is actually well-adjusted to civilian life
10. A Hispanic drill sergeant who isn’t fucking terrifying
11. An Asian infantryman
12. A white equal opportunity advisor
13. A black Navy SEAL
14. An officer who makes PowerPoints with an optimal length and amount of content
15. An MP who knows they’re not a real cop
16. A mustang 2nd lieutenant who doesn’t bring up having been an E-5 in every conversation
17. A Navy SEAL who doesn’t plan to write a memoir
18. A well-endowed service member who also has a lifted truck
19. The guy who put saltpeter in the eggs at basic to stop you from getting a boner
20. An effective chaplain
21. A first sergeant who makes you want to re-enlist
22. An officer and a gentleman
23. A safety briefer who actually starts on time
24. A staff NCO who doesn’t ask questions at the end of a brief
25. A lance corporal or specialist who actually sticks around for police-calls
26. A quiet professional

If you spot one of these fantastic beasts and know where to find them, please inform Duffel Blog so our actual zoologists may go out and document them for science. Thank you for your service.

Duffel Blog reporters Epic Blunder, Dirty, Justin Coates, Dirty Harry, Maxx Butthurt, and The Leg Ranger contributed to this article.

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