KANDAHAR — Defense contractors have developed a neurotoxin that destroys the brain’s motivation centers, eliminating independent thought for affected human beings, Duffel Blog has learned.
The chemical, dubbed Patriot Gas, has been secretly spread at humanitarian events throughout Afghanistan, resulting in a peaceful and compliant population.
“There was a time when democracy was just an idea,” Raytheon representative Phil Buckley explained to Duffel Blog, before a private demonstration of Patriot Gas. “Now it’s an industrial by-product.”
PSYOP Sgt. Adam Turk told Duffel Blog that the troops are thrilled as well. “We’ve always been about winning hearts and minds, even if those organs end up slightly damaged in the process.”
Buckley claimed that winning over his political opponents was his first victory on the road to persuading the entire world. “I’m glad we overcame the narrow-minded folks trying to hold us back with superstitious arguments like ‘free will’ and ‘self-determination.’ We finally convinced them with a combination of hard science and new production plants in their home states.”
Buckley signaled Turk to release the gas into a small group of Taliban prisoners.
“Just picture us raining down sweet, sweet democracy on the faces of every Afghan girl and boy. They’ll never cause terrorism, or have strong opinions, or feel desire ever again.”
The prisoners were unbound and given loaded AK47s, but they calmly placed the weapons on the ground before displaying intermittent spasms and drooling.
“Imagine an Afghanistan without suffering; a brand new place where you can grow up to be anything you want, be it dirt farmer or goat herder.” Buckley wiped a tear from his eye. “My god, freedom is beautiful.”