FORT RILEY, Kansas — After 7 years of litigation and $75,000 in legal fees, Sgt. 1st Class James Kinchloe finally gets to claim his entire platoon on his tax return.
Kinchloe, after years of mounting monetary losses, was forced to examine U.S. tax laws after he spent roughly $24,000 in bail payments, $14,239 in XBox 360 subscriptions, and $8,000 in down-payments for gender reassignment surgeries in 2013 alone.
Court documents indicate Kinchloe’s main complaint challenged the “qualifying relative” definition in IRS Publication 501: Exemptions, Standard Deduction, and Filing Information. It states that a person may be claimed on a tax return “if their own funds are not actually spent for their own support” and are a “member of the household.”
“When I tell people I take care of soldiers they don’t think I mean literally,” Kinchloe told Duffel Blog while gently kicking awake Pvt. 1st Class Tobias McKay, who he picked up last night drunkenly urinating outside the 12th St. Gate in a pink tutu and IBA. “I truly love my job, but the financial toll of housing and feeding 38 of America’s heroes took a toll on my family.”
Records of receipts as far back as 2008 were submitted as evidence and clearly showed Kinchloe’s soldiers spending their paychecks on Brazzer’s subscriptions, unfiltered Marlboro Reds and Tobaccosplode instead of clothing, food, and rent.
Lawyers also subpoenaed key witnesses from Kinchloe’s platoon for cross-examination. Spc. Noah Frederickson, who received a small loan from Kinchloe after spending all of his paycheck on lap dances at Rack City instead of his family’s rent and utilities, took the stand on Kinchloe’s behalf, as did Pvt. Joseph Dunlap, who needed $5,000 to break an agreement for a $58,000 loan with a 56.7% APR when he purchased a donked out 1981 Buick Regal.
After 3 months of arguments, a circuit court judge ruled in favor of Kinchloe, citing the infamous 1st Squad 3-day Tinder party/BBQ/orgy Kinchloe unknowingly hosted at his on-post quarters. The raucous orgy served as the crux of his 248-page opinion, as it ultimately cost Kinchloe and Fort Riley more than $152,000 in steam cleaning fees and paternity tests.
While the hearing sets a precedent that will force thousands of similar cases to be retried, Kinchloe hopes that one day his soldiers will use his example as a beacon of leadership for their respective platoons.
“It is a small price to pay for their future lifetime of service as U.S. soldiers,” Kinchloe said as he wrote out a $4,000 check to Sgt. Eduardo Gutierrez to cover his losses at the Prairie Band casino roulette table.