FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army is running a pilot program testing modified physical fitness and body composition standards for men of any age with dependents.
“In past decades we’ve adjusted for gender and age, and now we’re looking at other factors,” said Army spokesman Maj. Rod Larson, while clicking through a BuzzFeed slideshow including pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Sandler at the beach. “Meet the Dependent Authorized-Duty Body, or ‘DADBOD’ for short.”
The modified standards allow for an unlimited waist size and slower running speeds, but still require enough upper-body strength to whoop a younger man’s ass.
“Just look at Gen. Odierno. Totally rocking a sweet dad bod,” Larson announced to the nodded approval of an all-male press wearing khakis with tucked-in polo shirts.
“The change promotes family values, through the image of the family man. You could say it’s a different men-tality. Get it? Men? Mentality?” came Larson’s inevitable lame dad joke.
Capt. Marty Turner brought his own son to Pizza Hut while he spoke with Duffel Blog about being the old man for the Army’s test company.
“Turns out that dads are ironically good at adapting to change. Once we gave the order, 99% of the company’s males with dependents were in compliance by the end of the first week.”
Turner was exasperated with the unit’s single outlier. “Gosh darn Sgt. Gonzalez. He has a young son of his own, but he thinks the Army is impressed by his rock solid abs and try-hard discipline. The Army wants men she can be comfortable with, not intimidated by.”
He paused to threaten to take his son home right away if he wouldn’t sit still and drink his Sprite.
“Let’s be honest: the Army is tired, frustrated, and a little bloated right now,” Turner continued. “The last thing she needs is a hard-bodied man to throw it in her face.”
Turner packed his pizza in a to-go box. “Gonzalez spends so many hours at the gym, he probably never has time to be a good father. Now that I think about it, that boy he calls ‘son’ hardly looks like him at all.”