USS NEW HAMPSHIRE — The Captain of a United States Navy nuclear submarine was officially relieved on April 13, 2015 by the Department of the Navy for fraternization, sources confirmed Thursday. Cdr. Lance Shanahan has been removed from command of USS New Hampshire (SSN-778) and reassigned to Headquarters, USSUBLANT. The punishment follows Shanahan’s conviction for engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a mermaid, according to Navy sources. Cdr. Jason Weed has replaced him.
Sailors aboard the New Hampshire say the skipper had been spending a suspicious amount of time topside “conducting meteorological and windage analysis” while embarked on a presence cruise throughout the Caribbean and upper South American latitudes. Though Shanahan ordered all crew to leave him alone “to think” during his long stays atop the boat while surfaced, several sailors accidentally went topside anyway. What they found there was enough to motivate several to blow the whistle on the commander’s activities.
“It was disgusting,” said Seaman 2nd Class Eric Holder. “I went up top while we were surfaced because I had to repaint a patch on the planes that had gotten scraped when we were in that tiff with the ghost pirates last week. When I got up there, I saw the Captain totally mugging down with this babe who, like, she was just like a big fish down there.”
Holder added: “Like, a Halibut, if I had to guess.”
Other witnesses were Seaman Deanna Gobbler, and Petty Officer 3rd Class David Weiner.
“I swear, I didn’t even see the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign skipper had apparently stolen from a Holiday Inn Express and hung beside the tower ladder,” said Gobbler. “I honestly wish I had. It would have saved me from having the image of Captain Shanahan getting fellated by a fish lady burned into my brain. I can’t ever get it out now. Except maybe with a shotgun.”
Shanahan is optimistic about the relationship, despite the verdict and his disciplinary actions.
“I don’t care what people say,” said Shanahan, “people and merfolk can live together, and do dirty, dirty sexy-time things, just like normal people. Someday soon, the United States and the Navy will recognize the validity of human-merfolk relations.”
“So why should we discriminate against mermaids, who were, hashtag, ‘born that way’?” added Shanahan.