WASHINGTON – Chinese hackers were behind a massive cyber-attack that among other things accessed the performance reviews of nearly three million shitty federal workers, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Most damaging was not the utter failure of our 40 billion dollar cyber security program, or access to key government organizational structures,” said Eric Mickens, a spokesman for USCYBERCOM. “Most damaging is the fact that Chinese government now knows how terrible a number of U.S. government service (GS) civilians actually are.”
The breadth of the attack which was originally detected in April was unknown until late last week. According to sources, it is believed that the Chinese intend to use the information gathered to discover the most common characteristics for the ideal spy to infiltrate the federal government. The sources went on to state that the Chinese government was now recruiting spies based on the profile of a 40 year-old non-combat, medically retired gunnery sergeant with poor communications skills, a non-existent work ethic and no real job prospects in the civilian world.
Bob Paul, a retired Marine sergeant major who has been double dipping in a GS-10 job with no real function, is concerned that people will find out he has been leaving four hours early for the past two years. “Everyone at work knows I hit on the young interns all day and falsify my timesheets, but I am horrified that now the Chinese know that too,” Paul said.
“Everyone is concerned here,” said Rick Walters of the Office of Personnel Management (OPM). “My boss is concerned because his only function is to spam everyone’s inbox with motivational emails, his boss is concerned because he actually thought his employees were working, and I am concerned because everyone now knows that I don’t really do anything.”
Danielle Smith, a medically retired Air Force staff sergeant now doing who-knows-what at Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune, echoed many others’ sentiments. “I was medically retired for major depressive disorder due to the strain of my job. I earned the right to have a chill career with complete job security and no real purpose.”
Still, Veterans Affairs Secretary Bob McDonald was upbeat when asked about the breach: “I think this is a positive development for the VA and especially me. I have received a lot of heat recently for the VA’s failures and I think now folks will begin to realize how shitty the talent I was working with actually was.”
The long term impact of this attack has yet to be understood, but in the short term it is clear China is using the information to its advantage. According to an anonymous source inside the Chinese government, the Chinese recently released over 3,000 workers imprisoned in gulags for poor job performance because the government realized that “maybe they are not that bad.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.