CO: Oops, I Meant To Say ‘Closed Door’ Policy

12B30 Advanced Leadership Course Soldiers ‘stack’ behind a protective Kevlar blanket as an explosive device is detonated on a target door Oct. 19 at the Camp Grafton South breach range near Devils Lake, N.D. The student soldiers at the course are trained to calculate proper quantities of C4 explosives to use for various types of target options, as well as the safe distance they can be from the explosions, which might be used in combat situations. The realistic training uses demolition charges placed on target doors to simulate an assault through various types of locked doors. The charges are detonated to allow access into buildings containing simulated combatants as the Soldiers are stacked behind a protective breacher's blanket, which contain layers of Kevlar. The blanket allows the Soldiers to stand near the blast while protecting them from blast pressure and fragmentation, so they can quickly pass through the door after detonation. (DoD photo by Senior Master Sgt. David H. Lipp) (Released)

The following is an op-ed written by your commanding officer.

What are you doing in my office, private?

I seriously said I had an open door policy? Sure, my door has been open a lot lately, but that’s because the air conditioning is broken and the office temperature gets unbearably hot with the door shut.

No, I would never want to hear your personal problems face-to-face. I would never have hidden that fact, or even been ambiguous about it. I meant to say “closed door” policy in the change of command speech, I’m sure of that.

You come to my office to tell me what I said?

Truthfully, you’re welcome to exercise your ability to walk over here and speak to me, and I will exercise my ability to have you disciplined for jumping the chain of command.

Your leaders are the problem?

Well, between the prostitution ring, meth lab, and human organ black market in our company, I’m up to my neck in paperwork. You’ll have to get in line. Do as Sergeant Dunnigan says and we won’t have a problem.

I’m sure your shin splints are as bad as you say, but you’re still going to be in the brigade review, whether you think it violates your profile or not.

When your problem doesn’t have legal or life-threatening ramifications, it doesn’t even show on my radar. The system is built so that you feel like you can speak to me, but you never will, and if you do, you’ll wish you hadn’t.

If you don’t like my answer, I heard the battalion commander has an open door policy, just like you’re free to step on a bear trap. I’m sure he’d be even more pleased than I am to hear your petty issues.

That is all.

Yes, get the fuck out now.

Addison Blu

Comedy writer, Army veteran.