RAQQA, Syria — The Islamic State joined world leaders and veterans organizations Saturday in numerous ceremonies throughout the caliphate honoring WWII veterans through mass genocide and unchecked, forcible expansion into neighboring countries.
Sources report that ISIS simply continued its current takfiri doctrine and changed absolutely nothing to pay homage to the intolerance and megalomaniacal ideologies tacitly accepted by most nations almost 80 years ago.
“While they are of the kuffar, we can’t help but admire their methods,” ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani told Duffel Blog. “That whole ‘exterminate the Jews’ and appropriating land thing? I know they would never admit it, but I could tell someone had been studying their Al-Anfal and Prophet Muhammad’s letters.”
Most ceremonies followed the same format: eight-straight hours of anti-Western rhetoric, concluding with a slave auction and the public destruction of a 3,000-year-old Neo-Assyrian statue for being an affront to Islam and al salaf al salih. There were also built-in breaks for US-led airstrikes and reading criticisms via Twitter from prominent politicians and news organizations.
Distinguished veterans were invited from as far away as Paraguay and Argentina to take part in the ceremonies. However, guests unanimously denied any knowledge of a “Holocaust” and politely declined the trip for fear of being charged with apostasy.
The oldest living veteran, 104 year old Argentinian farmer Mosef Jengele, spoke to reporters, actually condemning ISIS and their brand of Islamic apocalypticism.
“What ever happened to good old wholesome fascism?” Jengele said while shucking corn in a straw hat and overalls. “Back in the 30’s and 40’s we used to rely on leader-worship and cult of personality to rally the populace behind a common goal. But ISIS, purifying the world by killing vast numbers of people and enslaving a dissenting minority because they have different beliefs in the name of Islam? That just makes me sick.”
Jengele went on to clarify that by “sick” he means “emotionally distraught,” not “sick” as in needing to go see a doctor, because he isn’t qualified to suggest he needs to “seek medical attention” or “perform unnecessary surgeries or gruesome experiments on humans.”
While the ceremonies were a hit among Islamic State followers, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was reportedly unsure if he would sanction future observances due to the inordinately high number of deaths from celebratory fire. However, due to overwhelmingly positive feedback, sources suggest al-Baghdadi now “can’t wait” to continue the festivities next year unabated in Baghdad, Mecca, and Andalusia.