RAQQA, Syria – Sources confirmed that today’s momentous first “State of the Caliphate” address was met with underwhelming indifference by both the audience in attendance and a handful of crickets.
Despite the fiery rhetoric and impassioned delivery of Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the highly-anticipated speech marking the Islamic State’s first year as a worldwide Islamic caliphate appears to have fallen upon deaf ears.
“We have come so far as a new nation,” the impassioned leader said to a crowd of dead or soon-to-be dead people in Raqqa, Syria. “The Caliphate has brought together true believers together in one place as a paradise of hope, drone strikes, and special operations hunt-and-kill missions.”
Indeed, sources noted that there were more than a few instances of rolling eyes, and at least two confirmed culprits brazenly sticking out their tongues.
“You know, this is just unacceptable,” al-Baghdadi told his aides. “Here we are, making history, and it’s like I’m just talking to a bunch of numbskulls.”
“I guess I’d better go decapitate my speechwriter,” he continued, “and add him to the audience pile.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.