Ariana Grande Joins ISIS
By HOLLYWOOD — Just days after learning of her hatred for America, federal investigators have revealed that pop singer Ariana Grande was recruited by ISIS, radicalized by spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani’s Ramadan message, according to intelligence sources.
In a recent audio message, al-Adnani encouraged jihadists to make Ramadan a “calamity for the infidels.” Inspired by this directive, Grande infiltrated a local donut shop disguised as a customer and began maliciously licking pastries left out on display. Her wanton act of terrorism complete, she admitted her allegiance to ISIS by declaring, “I hate Americans! I hate America!”
During questioning by federal authorities Grande admitted she was always a “dark and deranged” child who would eventually travel a savage and violent path.
“There was a stage, when I was three or four, where my mom thought I might grow up to be a serial killer,” said Grande of her disturbing childhood.
Fans have taken to social media to point out this newest turn of events may have been foreshadowed by the artist’s recent chart-toppers, including “You Don’t Know Me,” “Bang Bang,” and “There Is But One God, Allah (And Muhammad Is His Prophet).” Though the majority of Americans were turned off by Grande’s announcement, others stood by the pop icon.
“I don’t care, I still think she’s dropping the dopest tracks out there,” wrote one online comment by user Abu_Bakr_Tha_Attakr.
Federal law enforcement became suspicious of the pop star’s activities when she began to case various California bakeries in preparation for her brazen attack.
“She doesn’t fit the profile of frequent bakery customer,” said one federal source who wished to remain anonymous. “She obviously has never eaten a donut in her entire life.”
Duffel Blog writer Dirty contributed reporting.
