SAMBISA FOREST, Nigeria — A spokesperson for the influential activist group Boko Haram has decried the murder of an innocent African citizen in Hwange National Park earlier this month, telling reporters that the tragedy was one of “the worst things to happen in African history.”
Cecil, the 13-year-old victim, was a cherished and well-respected member of the local community in Zimbabwe, according to numerous sources. He was killed by a foreign species, later identified by zoologists as a dēns Americanus peregrinatione, an invasive predatory animal derived from common American dentists which leaves its homeland and pays large sums of money to shoot things, so they can later be displayed in its den above the fireplace.
“Cecil will not be forgotten!” read a tweet by Boko Haram public affairs officer Jamaal Abu-Sayid, which is sure to rally the fervent support of thousands of people across the Internet, ensuring the longevity of his memory would last for at least 24 more hours.
“We don’t know what a dentist was doing this far outside of its natural habitat of Minnesota,” said Park Ranger Joe Ungule, who watched Cecil grow into adulthood. “What we do know is that if Cecil hadn’t been taken from us so soon, he probably would’ve died of natural causes next year or so.”
Although dentists are a rare sighting in the enchanted African continent, the fear that precedes their strange, unwelcome practices is well-known.
“Poor Cecil. The dentist probably cut off his penis and ground it into a powder and infused it with the blood of innocents for some unholy purpose,” said Abu-Sayid. “I mean, can you believe that? Genital mutilation?”
Abu-Sayid also announced that Boko Haram would slaughter 100 American dentists to raise awareness of the killing, though the group said it would settle for killing at least 100 of anything else that is alive within a five-mile radius.