New F-35 Technology ‘Radar’ May Detect Objects In Sky

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EGLIN AFB, Fla. — Lockheed Martin has announced a new, cutting-edge technology that will be outfitted in future iterations of the F-35 Lightning II, also known as the Joint Strike Fighter. The new technology, code-named “radar” may allow the fifth-generation fighter to spot other objects in the sky.

“It’s like, these beams, see?” Lauren Ramirez, spokeswoman for Lockheed Martin said during a press conference that announced the space-age technology. “And they shoot out of an invisible cannon at the nose of the aircraft. And they bounce back, and then something catches them and reads them — like two guys throwing a paper airplane back and forth, but the paper airplane has the locations of stuff in the sky on them. It’s really neat.”

A demonstration of the technology, pictured below, proved without a doubt that the F-35’s radar technology was the key to making it the premier fighter of the modern aviation era. During the presentation, Ramirez repeatedly jumped up and down, pointing to the display and shouting “See? See? Radar!”

A demonstration of the F-35’s new “radar” technology.

Funding for the F-35, which has come under unprecedented scrutiny, immediately saw a loosening of its restrictions after the announcement.

“This is what we’ve been waiting for,” Senator Jack Reed, ranking member of the Senate Armed Services Committee, said after the announcement. “If there’s anything we’ve learned about the F-35 program, it’s that continuing to throw money at it will absolutely yield results. This new radar thing is your proof.”

This isn’t the first revelation of incredible technology that has come out of the F-35 program. In February 2014, the F-35 showcased its ability to rapidly disintegrate its own engine on the runway, a technology that Lockheed Martin described as “an effort to stop China from reverse-engineering the super cool engine technology.”

Other advancements in fighter technology, such as a resistance to using jet fuel above a certain temperature and being shot out of the sky by a plane that is 40 years older than it, serve to highlight the F-35’s usefulness in combat.

When asked why repeatedly suffocating its pilots was considered a technological advantage, Ramirez laughed out loud.

“You really need to do your homework,” she said. “That’s the F-22.”

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