PODUNK, Ky. — A potential terrorist attack on an Army recruiting station was thwarted last week thanks to the vigilance of Podunk native Sgt. Cletus McIntyre, local authorities confirmed.
The culprit, identified by McIntyre as 23 year-old Alfred Kader, was released from custody after investigators failed to uncover any incriminating evidence beyond Kader’s suspicious taste in twangy, earsplitting music rife with chauvinistic and religious overtones, heard blaring from his white Toyota Hilux.
“Dadgum Al Kader showt up in here, but I showt ‘im right out that there daggone door,” McIntyre said, pointing to the door of his trailer home, which doubles as Podunk’s only U.S. Army Recruiting Station.
“Not in my domicile!” McIntyre added proudly.
Kader, a nondescript Anglo-Saxon male of middling height and slender build with no disqualifying medical issues, is no stranger to rejection by the Armed Services. Kader was similarly turned away by the Air Force in 2014, and again by a Navy recruiter just last month.
“Al Kader blowt up the USS Cole when he was only nine!” Petty Officer 2nd Class Eustice Humbuckle cried from the porch of his houseboat, moored in Podunk’s only pond. “My pappy didn’t raise no fool, and Al Kader ain’t gonna fool me twice!”
“Not in my domicile!” Humbuckle added, as his houseboat doubles as Podunk’s only U.S. Navy Recruiting Station.
Dejected but desperate, Kader approached McIntyre with the hopes of finding a stable entry-level position, health coverage and the means to eventually attend trade school – the start of a better life.
“I never thought I’d settle for the Army,” Kader said. “Thanks, Osama.”
When asked if he had given any consideration to the Marine Corps, Kader replied that we would rather “commingle with the Godless sodomites in the Podunk State Penitentiary.”
Authorities have advised citizens to exercise caution and to maintain situational awareness. Report any suspicious activity or persons matching Kader’s profile to the Podunk Police Department immediately.